Is My Child Being Bullied? Warning Signs at School – Ep. 386

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Laura

Welcome to Big Fat Positive with Shanna and Laura. This week, we have our weekly check-ins. We have our special segment. What the heck? Where we give you some new uses for flashlights, honey bears, and rice cookers. And we close with our BFPs and BFNs for the week. Let's get to it. Hello, everyone, and welcome to episode 386. Gobble, gobble, Shanna. Gobble, gobble. This is going to air Thanksgiving week in the US. So happy Thanksgiving to everyone in the United States this week. Yes, happy Thanksgiving.

Shanna

And I'm going to take this moment to express my gratitude for all of our listeners and everyone who supports our show. And of course, to you, Laura, best co-host ever.

Laura

Aw, that's so sweet. I am so grateful for you, too, as always. It doesn't take a special holiday for me to have to say it, though.

Shanna

I'm always grateful. Aw, likewise. But before we jump into our regular check-ins, should we do a little, what are we doing for Thanksgiving update? Sure. All right. So what you doing?

Laura

Well, Shanna, as you know, the last couple of years, I've hosted a Thanksgiving dinner for our family and your family at our house. And this year, we're doing something a little bit different. It's a little bittersweet because we are going to have to miss our Yager Thanksgiving. Yeah. which had basically become a tradition. I was really looking forward to until we made these other plans. I was like, OK, I'm also really looking forward to this, which is we are going to Hawaii for Thanksgiving.

Shanna

And by we, you mean your family, not we as in your family and the Yagers.

Laura

just to be clear. I mean, you're welcome to join us. I know. Don't tempt me. It actually hasn't been in the books for very long. We kind of planned it relatively recently. And actually, it was a little inspired by my friend, Alia, who I've talked about on the show. She's the one who lied about Spirit Halloween to my kids. Ah, yes. She's taking her family over Thanksgiving break to Maui. And I was like, ooh, it would be really fun to go at the same time as someone who has kids about the same age. And I've been dying to go back to Hawaii and to take the kids and it's like our happy place. And so we started thinking about whether we could go and it turns out that Cory's been hoarding airline mile points. And my mom was able to get us a timeshare in the same place that Oli is staying.

So basically, yeah, we're going for a full week Monday to Monday because the kids just have an excessive amount of time off school. They have that whole time off. And Ollie will be there for the second half. She's going Wednesday to Wednesday, I think. So there's going to be a partial overlap, which is good because it means that we get to have our own little family time, then we get to have friend time. But wait, there's more. My mom is coming. Nice. And then the day after Thanksgiving, my stepfather is coming. And then the next day, my brother and his wife are coming. So we're going to have like two days of overlap with Jeff and Erica. And yeah, it's going to be a whole rotating parade of people we love. So yeah, it'll be quite an event, but unfortunately it will be Yager free, which is the real downside.

Shanna

I know, my kids don't get that whole week off. They only get Thursday, Friday. So there's no trips in our future to Hawaii for that week. But I'm curious if you think you're going to do Thanksgiving dinner, like the traditional one over in the timeshare, or are you going to do like Lual, Hawaiian style? What are you planning?

Laura

Well, I wasn't sure because we have a little kitchenette, but I was like, I don't really want to cook a whole Thanksgiving dinner in a kitchenette. Like that just seems like so much work. And so I looked up the schedules and it turns out there is a Luau that night that had some availability and we decided, you know, screw it, let's do a Luau for Thanksgiving. So we are doing a Luau for Thanksgiving this year. That's amazing. I'm so jealous. I'm really looking forward to it. I got kind of choked up looking at the little promotional video for it because I was like, I want to be there now.

Shanna

Oh man, that's gonna be great. And it's the boys first time in Hawaii, right? Oh yeah. Nice.

Laura

It's gonna be our first vacation going anywhere where it's not just to like visit family or like going somewhere where family lives. So we've been to Colorado to visit Jeff. We've been to Portland to visit grandma. I guess technically we've been to Santa Barbara when Augie was like a toddler and I was pregnant with Sebastian. But like other than that, we haven't really gone places.

Shanna

Yeah.

Laura

So yeah, it's gonna be our first big trip like that. I'm sure there will be ups and downs, but I cannot wait. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But I do feel a little guilty, Shanna, about abandoning you guys. So I wonder what are you doing in our absence?

Shanna

Well, this update may just make you feel more guilty because we don't have anything planned.

Laura

Oh no, Shanna. Do I need to send you a honey-baked ham or something?

Shanna

No, I just haven't gotten around to thinking about what we're going to do. Our closest friends in LA are all going out of town, so having a friend's giving doesn't seem feasible. And my mom won't be coming into town because she's going to be celebrating with my brother and Phoenix. And we're not sure if Steve's mom's coming in town, so it might just be the four of us. And I don't know. I haven't cooked a Thanksgiving meal in ages. My girls are like so excited for pumpkin pie. And I'm like, I hate to break it to you, but mama's literally never baked a pumpkin pie in her life. So I think I need to figure out what pre-made foods are for sale in the area. Maybe Trader Joe's whole foods. I don't know, Laura.

Laura

Help me. Tell me what to do. I love baking a pumpkin pie, but that's, you know, you don't have to. There's tons of available. Like you can just buy a pie. Yeah. Yeah. Marie calendars. Do you have any of those around you? No. Okay. Well, then not that. But Costco has a famous pumpkin pie. I mean, anywhere is going to have a good pumpkin pie. Just like ask around and find out where to get it. Just pre-order it. Like, didn't you for a while do like a whole foods thing where like you got a bunch of pre-made food and warmed it up?

Shanna

Yeah. I think when the girls were babies or very young we did that for a couple years because it was just us and Steve's mom and it wasn't a whole to do so I need to go back and like think about what we did then and maybe reenact that plan this year.

Laura

Yeah, I say make it low stress if you can. Yeah.

Shanna

Yeah, maybe watch the parade, the dog show, you know, that day. I don't know.

Laura

I love the idea of a low stress Thanksgiving. I love it. Yeah. But if you decide you need to bake a pumpkin pie, just call me and I'll walk you through it. I'll like be there on the beach with the Mai Tai and I'll walk you through it.

Shanna

Actually, I should because I remember having your pumpkin pie last year and I was like, oh, wow, this is real good. I really enjoyed that pie and I know the girls did too. So I'll hit you up for it.

Laura

It's my award-winning pumpkin pie. Yeah. Okay, so I'll put it on my schedule to talk you through making my pumpkin pie. But we need to... That's a bad rewind sound. What's a good rewind sound effect? Can you do it?

Exactly. There you go. Let's rewind to the present day. We're not talking about the future. We're talking about what's going on this week. And it's your turn to give us a little check in about what's going on in your life.

Shanna

Yeah, so you know the last couple episodes where I've recorded and been like, oh, you know, I'm a little sick. My voice sounds funny. Yada, yada, yada. Well, whatever little thing I had got worse. And I finally went to the doctor last week and I was diagnosed with pneumonia. No.

Laura

Not surprising, though, to be honest. Why do you say that? Because you were so sick. Oh. You know what? I just kept getting worse. That's why it's not surprising. It was like, something's wrong with you.

Shanna

I know. I know. I think I finally went to the doctor because I was texting you and you're like, Shanna, go to the doctor. I'm like, fine. Oh, it's far away, and I'm busy. I mean, that's one of my weaknesses, I think, is that I push through everything, basically, even when I'm very sick. I'm like, but must still do things. So I finally went to the doctor and got a prescription. I got two prescriptions for antibiotics to deal with the pneumonia, and almost immediately, I felt better. And so once I started feeling better, I looked at the house around me and was like, look at everything that has fallen apart since I've been ill and tired and not able to do things. And so this weekend I went on a, I'm not kidding you, a 12 hour whirlwind of cleaning. organizing, rearranging. I was inspired by what I did to Elle's room last week and I totally did that to the living room.

I was pushing the piano around the living room and the couch and, you know, this is always my whirlwind excited thing that I end up doing and I suck the family into it. And, you know, Steve's just kind of standing there looking at me like, really, Shanna. And so I just do it all myself, right? Because they're doing other things. And that didn't go so well for me because...

Laura

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You don't think that pushing a piano around right after you had pneumonia? Is this a good plan?

Shanna

There's consequences for those actions. Didn't think that in the moment my friend sure didn't. The good news is that my living room looks fly. I love it. I finally figured out how to arrange everything in this weird ass living room like I've got my sectional couch in the right spot and moved the piano and oh my god, it finally feels really good in there. So I've been really happy about that. But yeah, the next day I was so exhausted. I just could not get out of bed. I basically was having a setback. Just everything in my body was like, what the hell were you thinking? You need to sleep. Yeah.

Laura

So that's been my weekend. You know, it's really relatable because I get the same way. It's like when you're forced to not be productive and then you finally get this like surge of energy and you're like, look at all the things I can do and knock off my list. And it's like your body's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, remember? Remember that thing we just did? The thing we just went through that made you go to the doctor and get two completely separate antibiotic courses. Remember that? Remember that? No? No, okay, I'm gonna make you remember. Exactly. Oh man, I'm sorry.

Shanna

I'm glad the flow is good though. Yeah, the flow is great and it's so funny. We've had this piano in the living room for ages, right? It's basically just been an ignored piece of furniture, almost just like a wooden thing to put a couple picture frames on. The second I moved it across the room and put it in a different position, we literally have to walk right past it now when we come into the house. The girls have not stopped playing it. They are so into it. They're always on it, playing songs, and it's kind of cool. The existence of the piano was brought back into their awareness because of just where it is and the difference in the room and stuff. So it's been really cool to see them show an interest in playing again. They're like a T-Rex in Jurassic Park.

Laura

If it doesn't move, they don't know it's there. But all you have to do is move the furniture around. the attack.

Shanna

And let me tell you, they play that thing with the force of a T-Rex. They're not the graceful little musicians that, you know, the child prodigies you see. They're just like, how hard can I bang this thing? Awesome. How fast can I play, for at least. Lots of intensity there. Amazing. But yeah, that has been my who whirlwind of a week. And I'm hoping I can get back on the mend and slow down and relax so that, you know, I don't have another setback.

Laura

Well, I hope so too. Will a lesson be learned? Tune in next week to find out. Ooh, we shall see.

Shanna

In the meantime, Laura, I want to hear what your week has been like.

Laura

Well, the week has been kind of weird over here. And the main weirdness is sort of this unsettling feeling we've been having with Augie at school because he's been having some issues with a fellow student at his school. And it's kind of come to a head this week, and it's been really just like plaguing us, like me especially, like it's been keeping me up at night, making me all anxious. So there is a child who Augie's been in school with since TK. Like he wasn't in the same exact class as him for TK and Kinder, but they were in adjacent classrooms that would like combine to do activities and stuff. And then they would be in aftercare together. So he knows this kid fairly well. And it's a kid that he considers his friend. He talks about him like he's his friend. They like similar things, like Minecraft and talking about. who knows what together with their buddies.

But this kid has also been having some problems with anger management and lashing out. And throughout his career at the school has had issues like there have been incidents that have come up and I've heard from other parents that they've had incidents with this same kid. And I want to be really careful the way I talk about it because I know this is a six-year-old. I don't want him to be blamed necessarily for a lot of this, like what's going on because, you know, six-year-olds are still little, they're still figuring things out. And I don't want to like be demonizing this particular kid about what's going on. It's really about the bigger picture, right? But the case is that this particular kid, I don't know if he's been having a rough time, or if Augie is just like the focus of what's going on with him right now.

But in the last two weeks, there have been four incidents where this kid has hurt Augie while at school.

Shanna

Oh, no.

Laura

Yeah. And all of these incidents were like, to the level where the school had to reach out to us, right? Not just Augie coming home and saying like so and so, you know, pushed me or whatever. You know what I mean? Like this is all stuff that like we get a call. We get an email like from the school saying, you know, it's having to tell us about something that happened. And so the first time it happened, we were told that Augie was grabbed around the neck by this kid, which I'm guessing is like choking type thing. And the way when, when Augie got home, we were like, oh my gosh, we got a call about you getting hurt. Are you okay? And of course the school doesn't tell us like who the other kid is, right? But Augie does. And he's like, yeah, so and so, you know, he didn't like that I had a book and he didn't.

And so I ran away from him and then he like, and Augie did a little like demonstration of what happened. And it was like a chokehold, right? Like he got his arm all the way around his neck. Didn't love that, but it was the first incident in years with this kid. So I was just like, okay, you know, sometimes shit happens, right? Like, okay, whatever. Three days later, we get another message that Augie was kicked in the face by another student. Whoa. And I was like, oh, by accident, you know, like someone fell and their foot just was in the wrong spot because, you know, stuff like that happens. Nope, it was intentional.

We go to pick him up. There's like a little tiny bruise. It wasn't too bad, thankfully, on his cheek. But I was like, Augie, what happened? Low and polled, same kid. And I was like, that sucks. That's just three days later and it's the same kid. Mm-hmm. The literal next day, another call from the school that Augie was hit repeatedly in the back of the head with a hardcover book. Same kid. Yeah. And I was like, wait a second, what the fuck is going on? Right? Like I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? So at this point, I was like trying to escalate things. trying to talk to the teacher, trying to talk to whoever I could about this stuff, right? And I kept getting like, oh, you know, we're doing what we can to support him and keep him safe and blah, blah, blah. But didn't get any like hard and fast information, right? Well, it was quiet for about a week.

And then the following week, we get a call about Augie getting punched and then bitten and then punched again by the same kid. Oh. Oh my god. That was this week. And I'm just like, honestly, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. And so Cory and I reach out and we're like, what is going on? Like, how did this happen again? Right? Yeah.

Shanna

Yeah.

Laura

And the story we got was that this kid now has a one on one aid, which is good. I'm really glad that he's getting support. But apparently he was mad at Augie because Augie told him, I don't want to be your friend anymore.

Shanna

As he should, you don't need to be friends with people who treat you like that, okay? 100%. And that was the reaction of the boy.

Laura

And that was the reaction. But he was right next to his aide who like restrained him, right? And Augie's teacher said like, okay, Augie, let's go out in the hallway. Like they were about to go out to their gardening class or something. and was like, let's separate you two. And somehow this kid got away from his aid, ran into the hallway and managed to punch him again.

Shanna

Oh my God.

Laura

And this is where I'm like, okay, like what in the hell is going on that this was allowed to happen? You know what I mean?

Shanna

These adults don't have this under control. Like that's an unsafe environment to send your kid into.

Laura

100%. And so now I'm like spiraling about whether this is like a safe place, what we can do about it. You know, I had like hesitations about escalating things because I didn't want to like get this kid kicked out of school necessarily, right? You know what I mean? Like I didn't want to be like a Karen who's like complaining about this kid. But I was talking to Gia about it and she's like, you're not trying to get him kicked out of school. You are advocating for this kid as much as you are advocating for Augie because this kid obviously needs more supports and he's not getting it. And so that is the way you need to frame it. And I was like, okay, that's good. So anyway. I don't really have a lot of answers because everything is moving super slowly at the school. No one's getting back to me. And now I'm just freaking out about what else is going to happen.

And oh, it's so super awkward too because the Fall Festival was this weekend. And I've emailed the principal four times without hearing back. And then we're at this Fall Festival. And they have a special thing for parents who are regular donors. I donate a certain amount per month to the fund, the school fund. And because I do that, the kids can try to dunk the principal. They have a bucket, water bucket thing where you can throw. So we dunked the principle and then I had to like stand there and like I was looking or being like, are you going to ask me about all the emails? It was just like super awkward. So anyway, it's the whole thing is making me very anxious and it's still up in the air and I don't know what to do.

Shanna

Yeah, well, it sounds like you're doing the right things at this point. How does Augie feel about all of it? Is he scared? Does he feel bullied? Or is he just like, oh, my friend is being rough with me?

Laura

I think he's scared of him because he says things about him. And he also has told me about incidents that like haven't happened like near misses. Like the other day he was like, oh, you know, so and so had scissors and he had them up in the air like this and he like holds them up above his head. He's like, he came at me, but I dodged him and ran away. And then I'm like, oh, could this be why you're getting in trouble for like eloping from the classroom occasionally? Cause you're like literally trying to get away from your bully. Like what is happening? But yeah, I think it makes him sad too. Cause he really likes this kid, like from a social.

standpoint so you'd be like I told him I didn't want to be his friend anymore and he got mad at me and I was like I know honey but like sure like of course you don't want to be friends with someone who comes at you with scissors and punches you in the head and kicks you and chokes you like of course you don't that is totally within your right so.

Yeah, it's a mess.

Shanna

And good on him for standing up for himself and saying that.

Laura

I know, I agree. I totally agree. So it sucks. We're looking into maybe moving him to another classroom. There's only two first grade classes, so there's not a lot of options. But yeah, I don't know. It's just like, ugh.

Shanna

So stressful. I'm just so mad at the adults in this situation. The teacher, the aide who is not created an environment that's safe. The principal who's not writing you back. I mean, come on. That's like their job to make sure that these kids are safe and have a good environment to learn in. So I'm mad on your behalf and I'm really sorry that your poor little sweetie is getting hurt. And I hope there's resolutions soon because this is uncool.

Laura

Very, very uncool. So yeah, I will report back when we figure out something to do or if the principal ever gets back to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, that is a little bit of a bummer of a check. And we did have fun at the fall festival, though, even though it was awkward when we saw the principal. We did manage to have fun.

Shanna

It must have been satisfying to dunk her, though. I mean, I mean, it was. After someone's ignored my emails, I want to dunk them too.

Laura

It was kind of perfect. Yeah. I got it in slow mo.

Nice. Oh, but that is my check in. I think we should move on to a more fun topic, a more fun segment. What do you think? Let's do it.

Shanna

We're back and this week's special segment is what the hack where we share some parenting tips and tricks that will hopefully make your life easier. Laura, you're up first. What's your first hack?

Laura

Okay. My first hack, you will be unsurprised to learn that I've learned most of these from TikTok.

Shanna

TikTok is good for that indeed.

Laura

Yeah, it's kind of a key way I use TikTok. But the first parenting hack I found was to use a product that I've never used, but I'm really curious about now and I've watched like 30 videos about why it's amazing now.

Which is clear museum gel? Do you know about this stuff? What? No, I've never heard of it. Okay, so if you've ever wondered how museums keep their delicate vases and artworks on a shelf, but safe from people stomping by with heavy feet or bumping into the cases and stuff, Yeah. Apparently, clear museum gel is the answer or like there's also museum wax, but it's a slightly different product. But it's basically this goo. It's like a very thick like putty almost that's like crystal clear. You put it on the bottom of a vase or a cup or whatever you don't want to get knocked over. And you put like a little dab on it, push it down and it adheres to the table or whatever shelf or whatever. And it's removable. Like when you're done with it, you just twist and it breaks the seal and you rub it off. It's removable and it's reusable. So apparently you can just reuse it as many times as you need to.

Ooh, it reminds me of Sugru. Yes, it's like Sugru, but it's Sugru. I don't remember how to say it. Sugru?

Shanna

I don't know.

Laura

I always thought it was Sugru. But yeah, but that's not, I mean, it's removable, but you can't reuse it, right? Oh, okay. But someone recommended it for, you know, vases that you have on your like side table that got knocked into by a toddler or little like pots with like a succulent in it or whatever. Anyway, I saw that other people, like there were some teachers who used it for like funko pops that they had on their shelves and stuff for their, their classrooms. So I was like, okay, I could see a million uses for this and I'm going to get some.

Shanna

Especially if you have cats, too. I mean, the ones who knock most shit over in my house now are the cats.

Laura

Yeah, exactly. And the problem is they might knock something over that's breakable. Like you've put it out of reach of your kid, but the cats get up there and they're like, let me just scooch, scooch, scooch this off the shelf and then crash and it's broken. So yeah, clear museum gel.

Shanna

I wonder if you could also use it to like hang things on the wall, like party decorations or posters, just like put a little dot and then push it up on the wall.

Laura

Yes, you can. That was one of the uses. People were using it for their kids' artwork, like just plopping it. I don't know if it would take the paper off. I'd have to, you know, you'd have to try that. The other use people had was like if you have a picture frame that's always a little bit crooked, you can take a tiny little bit, put it on the corner and push it into the wall. So it's like stays straight.

Shanna

Yeah, I could definitely do that. For the Halloween decorations I have around the house, I bought these clear adhesive circles, like little, you know, discs that I put on them and then hang stuff on the wall. But that's a little tedious, right? So I have to peel it off, then put it on the decoration, and then there's like this really thin like plastic film I have to peel off the other side. before I can put it on the wall, then that falls on the floor. And I've been seeing those everywhere. I like the idea of just like dipping into something, putting a dot on, and then putting on the wall. Love that.

Laura

I'm going to send you the listing on Amazon so you can see it. But it's actually really affordable too. The one I'm looking at is 15 bucks for six ounces, which I think could secure basically everything in your house.

Shanna

Yeah. My kids are like, mommy, why is my bed not moving anymore? Well, Mama had some extra museum gel. Oh, yeah, it comes in a tub like body butter. Perfect. Nice, wide opening on top. I could just dip in, do what I need to do. I love this. Thank you for telling me about this.

Laura

You're very welcome. But yeah, that's why it's my first mom hack. I haven't used it yet, but I think it's going to be super, super useful. And I think good for earthquake country, right? Like, if there's anything you don't want to shake off a shelf in an earthquake, give it a try.

Shanna

Yeah, I love that.

Laura

OK, that is my first hack, though. Shanna, I'd love to hear what you have to share with us.

Shanna

OK, so cold and flu season is upon us. And I came across this hack on, I don't know, some social media that I was scrolling through one day, and I love it. What you do is you get one of those tissue boxes, like the cube kind, and you get a rubber band, or you could use tape or whatever. and tape it or connect it to another tissue box of the same size, another tissue cube box that's empty. So basically you've got an all-in-one tissue box and then a little trash can next to it. So there's somewhere for your kids to put their dang snotty tissues while they're like watching TV, blowing their nose. You know what I mean? Like there's never a convenient place to throw away that dirty tissue.

Laura

It's true. And when you're sick, you don't want to like trek across the room to throw something away.

Shanna

Laura, I never want to trek across the room to throw something away. And my kids certainly don't. But yes, especially when you're sick, right? It's like, I don't want to go over there. So sometimes I'll be like, oh, kids, let me find something. And then I get like an old, I don't know, Trader Joe's bag and put it at their feet or whatever. But I just love this idea that it's like right there, you take it with you everywhere. And you've got your little trash can built in right there and it's reused recycle. Okay. So from Paw Patrol would be proud.

Laura

Well, that's all I care about is making the Paw Patrol proud so.

Shanna

Well, you're welcome, Laura. I am giving you the gateway to make the pups proud. All right, that's my first hack. What else you got for us?

Laura

Okay, this is something I learned from Kelsey What Else on TikTok. She does a lot of like mom content. And I really like her stuff. It's like usually a lot of like sort of big picture parenting stuff, which I really like. I think I've talked about her before, actually. Yeah, sounds familiar. Yeah. So she had this TikTok that I saved about the flashlight metaphor for your brain and how she teaches her kids to deal with painful things using a flashlight.

Shanna

Okay.

Laura

And it's a little bit, it's not like, you know, get museum gel level of hack. It's more of like a hack on how to talk to your kids about stuff. But I thought it was really helpful. And so what she did was she sets up like three items. It doesn't matter what it is, like a water bottle, a vase from the shelf, maybe tack down with clear museum gel, if you will, and a book or something, you know, three things right next to each other standing on their end. So they're all kind of more or less the same height. And she turns off the lights, she gets a flashlight. And she said, You know, when you're hurt, like you fall and you scrape your knee, your brain is like a flashlight and what it focuses on is the thing that's like the most important to your brain at any given time. So when you scrape your knee and you're hurt, your flashlight is focused on my water bottle.

Let's say that my water bottle is your pain, right? and all you can focus on because the shut the light is shining so bright on the pain that all the other things are not lit up but if you can try to focus on something else like who the fun thing we're doing tomorrow and she like moves the flashlight over right you can see your pain is still there we're not saying you got rid of your pain your scraped knee is still there but it's not as bright right like we're using I mean, it's essentially just a way to teach kids that you can distract yourself and refocus, right? But being able to shine a flashlight on something and then they can just see, like, oh yeah, the pain isn't so bright anymore. It's still there. We're not saying it's not there. We're just using our brain as a flashlight to focus on better, happier things so that we don't put so much weight on the pain.

Right and she's like and then she with the flashlight over and she was like and then we think of something else and eat and now the pain is even less bright still there. You know it's still there, but it's just not as bright and I thought that was just a really easy and quick way to try to explain it to kids, you know.

Shanna

Yeah, I like that. And I feel like even I can use that. Getting all wrapped up in whatever like, oh gosh, you know, the main thing on my mind right now is how messy the house is. And I just can't stop thinking about it. It's making me so grumpy and blah, blah, blah. But if I could just like put that flashlight on something else, how good it'll feel when it's done or like how whatever, that would make me feel better.

Laura

Yeah, the other thing I really like about it is like, you know, those of us who've done a lot of like respectful parenting, Dr. Becky, Janet Lansbury stuff, like we're so averse to thinking about distraction as a technique, right? Like we were taught like you don't distract, you always validate their feelings and all that stuff, right? And the truth is that sometimes distraction is like a good technique to use, right? Like it can't be the only technique. But all of us need a distraction sometimes. You know what I mean? There's just a time and a place for processing feelings sometimes, and sometimes you just have to get a distraction in so that you can get through your day. I don't know, is that unhealthy? There's some therapists out there taking notes. But I like this because as opposed to the classical view of distraction, which is diminishing,

Oh, like your pain doesn't even exist anymore. You know what I mean? Like, oh, no, but look at the shiny object. Like your pain, we're not actually in pain. It's distracting while still acknowledging it's there. It's being like, hey, we're going to focus on something else and we still know your stuff is there. We still know that's going on. It doesn't take it away. It hasn't disappeared. We're just choosing to not focus on it right now to try to improve our lives.

Shanna

So I don't know. Absolutely. And teaching them about it with this little method gives them agency in the process. A lot of the distraction things that we do sometimes can feel manipulative right your kids crying and you're like i just need them to like stop crying like a look at this funny thing you know it's all a bit more manipulative and i'm not saying that like in a judgemental way or anything because look i've done it too right but i like that this educates them about it and tells them that they themselves can even do it to help themselves.

Laura

And that's cool. Yeah. And it's such a quick shorthand. You can just be like, hey, let's focus our brain flashlight on this other thing right now. You know, like they hopefully they'll understand. I'm going to try it with my kids and report back. Me too. Plus, what kid does not like a flashlight? Like my kids are still obsessed with flashlights. Yes.

Shanna

Love a flashlight, which is why when I need a flashlight, I can never find it because they've made off with it. Who knows where it is?

Laura

They're scattered about. Left on for sure. Just left on for eternity. Yes. Okay. That was another hack from me. Do you have another hack for us?

Shanna

Yes, and it's more along the lines of how to talk to your kids or explain something to your kids as opposed to that by this product type of hack. And this is something that's come up in our family a bit because I've got two daughters who are relatively close in age and a younger sister who often looks up to her big sister, right? And sometimes some of the conflict that comes up there is that the older sibling, Al, well, feel like the younger one is copying her, right? You're just copying me. Because, yeah, CECE's younger. Stop copying me. She copies. She emulates and all this stuff, and I can see Elle getting riled up about it. And recently, I introduced the concept of being inspired by somebody. And surprisingly, they have taken to this.

Laura

Don't you love it when you're like, oh, this is a stretch, but I'm just going to say it. And then you're like, oh, shit, it worked. It worked, guys. They bought it.

Shanna

Right. Exactly. It's like I just want to tip toe away carefully and not disrupt the magic. A specific example came up this week when Elle put on one of her sweaters and then put a t-shirt on over it. Like she made a style choice. to wear her clothes like that to school, right? She's like, look at this. Funnily enough, Augie did that the other day.

Laura

Really? Yeah, he was like, oh, I'm so cool. Like, I'm so special.

Shanna

Yeah. Well, maybe it's in the zeitgeist then. I don't know. It's like, I don't keep up with fourth grade style, but I had never seen my kids do this before. So it was a new. And she felt cool. She felt slay. She wore it to school. The next morning, Sisi was like, mama, those sweaters on the dryer are those clean. I was like, yeah, those are clean. She got all excited. She ran over, you know, got dressed by herself and she walked out and she had the same style, right? She had put her own sweater on and then a t-shirt on over it. And I almost felt something brewing in Elle, right? I thought she was going to be like, oh, you're copying me or that's so stupid or some criticism. And so I immediately jumped in. I was like, oh my gosh, you look amazing. You must have been inspired by your big sister, who's so stylish. And she's like, yeah, I was inspired by her.

And then she turned to Elle and was like, I'm inspired by your style. Look at what I chose. And Elle then felt proud. Like she had done something, you know, worthy of emulating. And it was just the dynamic that was positive. And I'm just always happy when anything positive happens in my household.

Laura

Well, it's also so much easier to explain than imitation is the highest form of flattery, which is what I've tried to teach my boys. And they're like, wait, imitation? What's imitation? Oh, copying. OK. What's flattery? I don't know. That did not land at our house at all.

Yes.

Shanna

Yeah, there's a lot of like sixth grade vocabulary words in that phrase for sure. I mean, even inspired by is kind of a big concept. But I don't know. I think Elle just feels proud to have someone be inspired by her. So if you're having trouble with your siblings, you know, feeling like their little sibling is copying them, give this a try. See if you can reframe it.

Laura

I'm going to tonight.

Do it.

Shanna

Do it. OK, what's your next hack, Laura?

Laura

OK, this is a very whimsical, pretty quick one that I also saw on TikTok from someone named Malibu Hank. I don't even think Malibu Hank is a parent, but I saw this and I was like, OK, this is adorable. So Malibu Hank is a guy who showed up on my For You page in his shower just from like the shoulders up. So couldn't see anything. But he was like, hey, guys, I buy those giant gallon size bulk shampoo and soap from wherever Costco or whatever with the big pump at the top. And I hate using those. And then I realized I should just be reusing my old honey bears for shampoo. Hello. And he was like, this is the most whimsical thing I do. And I love it. And he pans over and he just has like two of those little bear shaped honey containers on his little nook in his shower with his various shower toiletries.

And I was like, oh my gosh, I need to start doing this because it doesn't matter what you put in them. The kids are going to love having that in the shower or bath, right? You could put colorful stuff in it. You could just like have them make potions. But I'm like, okay, I need to start saving these honey bears for whimsical purposes.

Shanna

I know they're so cute. I love those little bottles. We don't really eat honey very much in our house. So I don't even think we have one. Do you guys eat much honey?

Laura

We actually do because Augie loves tea with honey, which is so cute.

Shanna

That's so charming.

Laura

Yeah, I have this caffeine-free tea that I get from Adagio teas. It's called Foxtrot. It's a mix of like chamomile and mint, and I never know how to say it. Roibos? Roibos? Roibos? Is that how you say it?

Shanna

That's how I learned to say it, but who knows.

Laura

No, you would know better than I do, because I just look at it and I'm like, Roybus? I don't know. Apologies to anyone who was like a farmer of that stuff out there.

Shanna

That's delicious.

Laura

That's a big contingency of our audience, I'm sure.

Shanna

So Roybus Farmers.

Laura

Yeah. But for him, it's mostly a honey delivery system. But I like it because it's just, I'm like anything that's a different flavor profile to help him sort of branch out. And it's great for when he's a little bit sick because it allows him to get honey in his system because I'm sure we've talked about this, that honey is like clinically supposedly as effective as cough medicine for kids when it comes to coughing.

Shanna

Really? Hey, there's another hack for you. I didn't know that.

Laura

Yeah, so I give my kids just spoonfuls of honey when it's like cold and flu season, if they have any cough. And it's not hard to convince them. Let me tell you, they're like, ooh, a spoon of sugar? Yes, please. But my problem is that we get it from Costco and it's not in the bears. So I need to start buying the bears.

Shanna

Oh, yeah.

Laura

At least a couple so you can have a shampoo and a conditioner. I should just ask my Buy Nothing group if anyone has any. Oh, yes.

Shanna

Yes. They will rise to the occasion for that. I just know it.

Laura

Yeah. So anyway, I'm going to be on the hunt for some old honey bears. Shanna, do you have another hack for us?

Shanna

Yes. I, for the first time in my life, just got a rice cooker. I have never had one. I feel like that's an appliance you probably have.

Laura

You know what? I don't have one at the moment. I have had them in the past. They've broken. I'm now holding out for a Zoji Rushi expensive one because I'm like, if I'm going to buy another appliance, I want it to be a really, really good one. But yeah, I miss having a rice cooker. They're great. They're awesome.

Shanna

I've never had one and what I do for rice is I buy frozen rice from Trader Joe's and like throw a bag in the microwave, which is fine. It's like quick, it served us well. But I feel like I could save a lot of money just making rice. Anyway, that's not the hack. The hack is not having rice cooker.

Laura

It's a partial hack, I'd say.

Shanna

Is it? Maybe. I don't know. Haven't used it yet. So this hack is not tried and true, but I found it on Reddit and the people talking about it do think it's tried and true. And I'm excited to try. And so I thought I'd share. Okay. Apparently you can cook pasta. in your rice cooker. And that's a great hack for parents who are busy, distracted, whatever, because you just put it in, you put just enough water to cover the noodles and set it and forget it. You don't have to worry about boiling water. You don't have to like, you know, I feel like, especially when my kids were younger, putting a pot of water on and then remembering that I had done that, you know, that it just, There's just so much going on. You might worry about having boiling water. I don't know. I just love this idea of like boom, boom, boom, put it in there. It'll be done soon.

And you don't have to worry about it burning or boiling over any of that stuff. So I'm very excited to try this.

Laura

And do you have to drain it after or is it like all absorbed in sort of the way rice absorbs in? I don't know. I don't know.

Shanna

I will have to report back on that. Okay, I'm very curious about this. Did you ever make anything other than rice in your rice cooker?

Laura

Um, I don't think peel off counts. I also had my right, my last quote unquote rice cooker was also a pressure cooker, like a multi function thing. So it's, you know, that doesn't really count. Of course I did, but it was supposed to be a multi function. So yeah, no, I've never, I've never done more with a rice cooker, like just a plain old rice cooker. So I am curious, very curious. I always love a pasta hack. The other thing I've learned is that J. Kenji Lopez Alt, do you know who that is? No, who's that? He wrote an amazing cookbook called The Food Lab, Better Home Cooking Through Science, which is something I got for Jeff as a present for Christmas one year, and he was obsessed. It's such a good book. It's amazing. But he lives at the intersection of science and cooking. And he does a lot of very in-depth experiments trying to figure out the best way to cook something, right?

And he did a test to show like whether you really need water to be in a rolling boil before you put the pasta in. And he really thought it needed to be like that. Apparently the story was like his wife said it didn't matter and he was like, oh my gosh, that's blasphemy. And then he tested it and he was like, oh yeah, she's right. Like it doesn't actually have to be a rolling boil. So I've taken that to heart and just been like, okay, if it's hot, good enough and thrown it in.

Shanna

Oh, nice. Then you don't have to wait as long for it to boil.

Laura

I love it. So anyway, thank you for that pasta hack. And I'm going to use this as an excuse to get my expensive rice cooker and try it.

Shanna

Yeah. Yeah, I think you need to do that for sure.

Laura

Do you have another hack for us? I do. I have one more. But I was thinking, let's do it after the break. Let's do it.

Shanna

We're back and Laura has one more hack for us. Laura, hit us with your hack.

Laura

Yes. Okay. This is the all TikTok show. This is another one I saw on TikTok from a woman named Lena, a mom. She is a mom of a toddler and like little baby. And she said she had come up with the system to help keep her baby safe from like little toddler choking hazard toys, like toys that are, you know, fine for her three year old, but not good for her little baby. And it's such a simple basic thing, but it's so awesome, which is she has a playroom area just for her baby. And she has a gate at the entrance. And at the gate, she has taped a toilet paper roll vertically on the wall. And she just requires her toddler to drop everything through the toilet paper roll before they go in. And if it goes all the way through, the toddler can't take it in. But if it doesn't go through, the toddler can take it in. And that's the really quick little test that even a little kid can understand.

And she's like, yeah, it's worked great. It's like, oh my gosh, what a simple and easy solution.

Shanna

Absolutely. That visual, tangible way of checking is perfect. It's perfect for a three-year-old. I love that.

Laura

And it turns it into a game for the three-year-old. You know what I mean? Of course they'll want to do that. So, yeah, I loved it.

Shanna

That's a great idea.

Laura

It doesn't apply to my life. My whole life is a bunch of choking hazards. We had like a friend with a toddler come over recently and I was like, I am sorry. The amount of Legos around just there's like you need to keep an eye on that baby is all I'm saying.

Shanna

Yes, once you are past that phase, it's like, I forget. Like, in last year's Halloween party when we were doing our big craft thing, I had set up all of these hot glue guns because the kids are older, right? And I have them on a little side table over here. And some of the parents brought their little toddler siblings and I was like, Okay, parents, just so you know, this is the hot glue gun station, so you might want to keep your little ones away from there.

Laura

Sorry. This is the Scald Your Child station. Please step back. Yeah. Boy, yeah, not of that phase. It's also hopeful for parents, you know, like one day you will be out of the phase and you won't even remember and you'll put all your other friends, kids in danger. It'll be great.

Shanna

Shanna, do you have one more hack for us? I do, I do. I came across this idea in a Reddit thread and I love it. I feel like I have random iterations of this in a completely chaotic, messy way. Okay. And this is a more cohesive idea. Okay, it's called the oh shit kit. And that's given to me by a Redditor. I did not make it up. I don't know that person's handler name, but I love this. The oh shit kit that you can keep in your car when you're a parent so that you are pretty much ready for any occasion, anything you might have forgotten. It's like boom right there in a little tub in your trunk.

And so these people were talking about how their oh shit kits include spare clothes for each kid, maybe spare clothes even for the parents, especially if your baby is little, they might throw up on you or something and you have like, ooh, something right in the trunk, things like extra diapers, wipes, sunscreen, snacks, towels, paper towels, just like anything you might need at any moment. Just have it in a little, I don't know, tub in the back of your car. That's your oh shit kit and you will know that you're covered when you go out and about.

Laura

I love that. We suggest something in our potty training book, uh, good to go. We call it a miss kit because misses are what we call accidents, but it's very specific to potty training, right? But also I'm mad because oh shit kid is way better. I really wrink rolls off the tongue. But it's great that you could like expand it, right? Like of course, yeah, let's have like all the stuff that we just realize we need. Like I would put towels in there because in the summer you always end up like at some splash pad or something and you're like, oh crap, if we only had towels. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah.

Shanna

And if your kids are still young, you can have a little travel potty in there, some toilet paper. I mean, there's all kinds of things you can put in there, depending on what your family needs and what climate you live in and all that. But I just love the idea because right now, well, basically my whole life, the trunk of my car has been just a kind of a garbage zone, you know, with a couple helpful, like a first aid kit, like it is shoved in the back and, you know, I want it nice and organized. That gives me peace of mind. So I'm excited to make my shit kit.

Laura

Your oh shit kit, you mean? Oh shit kit.

Shanna

Yeah, my oh shit kit.

Laura

Awesome. Well, that sounds like an amazing hack. And I think this whole segment was just incredibly useful.

Shanna

Yes, I think so too. I'm excited to try some of your hacks out. But in the meantime, should we move on to our BFPs and BFNs?

Laura

Yes, we should.

We close every episode with a Big Fat Positive or a big fat negative of the week. Shanna, you're up first. You have a BFP or a BFN? I have a BFN. Whoa, it's been a while.

Shanna

Yeah. Yeah, it has. So I got an email from the school saying that they were doing a dance clinic for some of the kids at the elementary school and the chosen kids would get to go to the high school where we have an associated high school And learn a dance with the cheerleaders over there and then perform the dance at the high school football game like that Friday night. And I was like, oh, that would be fun. My girls would like that. So I put their names into the lottery. And I got word that CECE got chosen for the dance clinic. And of course, L was like, did I get chosen? I was like, no, you didn't. But remember like the attendance policy that they're really coming down hard on everybody. You missed too many days last year. I don't think that you got chosen for this because of that. You missed too many days. And she's like, that's not fair. And that's like a side BFN, right? Yeah.

But continuing on, CeCe was very excited about the idea of this and what it required was going to the high school on Saturday morning, meeting the cheerleaders, learning the dance. It was like a two hour dance clinic, right? And then they would perform next Friday. Friday comes. And I was like, all right, honey, let's get ready for your dance clinic. And she was amenable. But something happened. It's always one little thing that just shifts mood and everything. I think it was like Elle was making a bracelet and took one of the beads that Cece wanted or something like that. And that just set Cece off. She's like,

I want I want that bracelet and from there on like the rest of the morning was just terrible like then she didn't want to eat the breakfast I made her and then this and I'm like come on honey we gotta get you gotta get to the dance clinic and in my mind I'm like panicking because this is a very coveted activity. It's a lottery system. Not every kid gets to do it, and I don't want her to miss the spot and take it from someone else. I could not get her dressed, could not get her out the door. It's like the clinic started at 8.30. Time is ticking. It's like 8.30, 8.35, 8.40.

And just as time was ticking by, my stomach was sinking even more. And I was like, oh, we're just we're not going to make it. Like we're going to be the family that can't follow through. And finally, by like 9 AM, I just emailed the principal back and was like, I'm really sorry to take this spot and not be able to follow through. But I can't. Her emotional regulation is just something I can't manage today. And I'm really sorry. Wow. She missed the clinic. She missed the opportunity to dance the football game. And yeah, it was just a let down.

Laura

Yeah, that is, that is a bummer. I'm sorry. It's so hard when you know your kid's going to enjoy something if they could just get over themselves, you know, but there's nothing you can do. You can't force them, right? And forcing makes it worse. Ugh, that sounds really hard. I'm sorry.

Shanna

That's what I was going to say. It's like anything I would have tried to do to press her forward or press the process forward to get her out the door. I know, I know my kid, right? That's gonna escalate her further and it's gonna be worse. So really the only thing I could do is step back, let her process those feelings and then, you know, tell her the bad news that she missed the opportunity and she was sad, you know, when she calmed down and realized she missed it. She was like, It was a bummer.

Laura

That is a bummer. Well, maybe it'll help her though, you know, like having a real consequence to it. Maybe we'll start to stick in her brain a little bit, right? Especially since she's getting older.

Shanna

Yes, that would definitely be a positive side of the experience. So fingers crossed. But yeah, that's my BFN. What do you have for us today? A BFP or BFN? I have a BFP.

Laura

Yay. OK, my BFP is a genre of books that we found that has been really fun for us. And so the other day I went to the library just myself. I had to return a book and I was like, I'm gonna go check out the children's section. And I stumbled upon this book that I was like, oh, my kids are gonna love this, which is called Let's Draw Aliens and Spaceships with Crayola. And it's just like a how to draw book put out by Crayola, but it's really straightforward, like step by step, shape by shape. And my kids have been enjoying doing drawing tutorials on YouTube, but like that requires pulling up YouTube, right? Which is like a whole, you know, it's a minefield, right? Like, oh, then they want to watch another suggested video and you're like, no, no, no, we're just doing the drawing tutorial. And I was like, oh, before YouTube, there were things called books and we could just do this with books.

Exactly. And so I brought this home from the library, and both boys instantly got into it, but Augie especially. I put some photos in our shared album so you can take a look at what he did with the Let's Draw Aliens and Spaceships with Crayola.

Shanna

Okay, I'm looking at these. Here is a picture of the book itself, and oh my gosh, that is so colorful and cute. cute and the aliens and monsters or whatever. They look adorable. I love it already. Let's see what your kiddos did here. Okay. And then here are a couple of pictures of Augie in process drawing. Let me tell you, this kid looks focused, totally into this. Oh, that's incredible. Let me look at the final product here. Oh my god, this is so good. This little alien with the antenna and of course a blaster. Yeah, the blaster was his own addition. I had a feeling. Yeah, this one's going pew. Oh, and there's an alien with like six arms and one big eye. I love Bill Cipher. Oh my God. I love these.

Laura

Good job, bud. Yeah. And so I had told Gia that he was loving this book. She came over for something and she was like, oh, have you ever heard of Ed Emberley? And I was like, no. And she was like, oh my gosh, you got to get an Ed Emberley book. So I immediately went and ordered one. And we got one called how to draw monsters and more scary stuff. And it's the same style of book, right? Like step by step instruction. And the other little, I guess this is a parenting hack is that I found an old recipe book, like cookbook holder that Corey had gotten me at some point. You know, it's like a little book stand with like a clear plastic that folds down on it so you can keep the book open. And I was using that for like the drawing tutorial books. So I set that up for him. And he made this cool little Dracula and

It was just so great because I was like, yay, something he can be focused and created with that involves zero screens. So that's why it's my BFP.

Shanna

Gosh, that's such a relief. Oh, this little Dracula is wonderful. So cute, the evil eyebrows and the teeth, the fangs rather. I love the hack about the recipe book too. That's a great idea. I've gotten my kids many drawing books like this over the years and I don't know, it's never piqued their interest in this way. Interesting. Yeah, but maybe I'll find one that's a little more edgy. Monsters, aliens or something. I'm going to try it. So fun.

Laura

Yeah, or we can get together and I'll bring this over and maybe they'll do it together.

Shanna

I bet they would. That's a fun idea.

Laura

Let's do it. All right. Well, that's it for me. And I think that's it for our show.

Shanna

I think it is. Listeners, if you have any hacks you want to share with us, you know, we would love to hear them. Laura, where can everyone find us?

Laura

We're on all the social medias at BFP Podcast. We have a website, bigfappositivepodcast.com. And if you want to send us an email, send it to contact at bigfappositivepodcast.com. And finally, if you want to join the coolest group of people on the internet, just search Facebook for Big Fat Positive Community. It is a private group, so you got a request to join. And answer those two membership questions so we know you're not a robot. But once you do that, you'll be sent straight through to all the wonderful conversations we're having in there.

Shanna

Our show is produced by Laura Birek, Shanna Micko, and Steve Yager. Thanks for listening, everyone. Have a Big Fat Positive week. Bye. Bye. Gobble gobble. Gobble gobble.

Is My Child Being Bullied? Warning Signs at School – Ep. 386

November 24, 2025

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Episode Transcript

Is My Child Being Bullied? Warning Signs at School – Ep. 386

November 24, 2025

Listen Now:

This episode's sponsors:

Whisker Litter-Robot

Once Upon a Dance

Tags

Episode Transcript