Taking Kids to a Wedding: What Could Go Wrong? – Ep. 370

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Laura

Welcome to Big Fat Positive with Shanna and Laura. This week, we have our weekly check-ins. We have our special segment, Throwback, where I tell a story of a time when my mom planted a seed of doubt in my brain. And it was actually a good thing. And we close with our BFPs and BFNs of the week. Let's get started.

Shanna

Hello, everyone, and welcome to episode 370. Hello, Laura. Hi, Shanna. Hi. Why don't we dive right in with your check-in?

Laura

What'd you all get up to this week? Well, this was the week of 4th of July for everyone listening in the future. And we had a very fun weekend. 4th of July fell on a Friday this year. So we had a three-day weekend, all of us. Augie is in his camp and Sebastian's so in school for like two more weeks. And so we got to have a three-day weekend and we didn't have any actual plans for the fourth until you messaged me and were like, you want to come over for the fourth of July? And I was like, yes, please. Yay. So we hung out on the fourth of July. It was very fun. Our kids just love hanging out with each other and I love hanging out with you guys. We actually finished a puzzle of the adults did. That's right.

Shanna

The butterfly puzzle.

Laura

It was just a very nice day, and I thank you for inviting us.

Shanna

Thank you for coming.

Laura

Of course. Although I have to say, Sebastian did not like the little, I don't know what you call them, the snappers, little popper, firework things.

Shanna

Oh, yes. Yeah, we call them poppers, but I think they're called party snaps. They're like little individual, I don't know, explosive powder, you know, that kids throw. And then when they hit the sidewalk, they go, pshh, make like a tiny, teeny, tiny little firework thing.

Laura

Yeah, it's basically the only firework you can legally do in LA, I think.

Shanna

Yeah, I got him at Walmart.

Laura

Yeah, exactly. But yeah, Sebastian was not a big fan. He, I think it was too loud. It didn't help that when I opened up one of the packages, I dropped the whole thing on his head.

Shanna

Oh, that's right. None of them popped on his head, though, right?

Laura

No, it was just a bunch of sawtests.

Shanna

Oh, yeah. Yeah, they come and saw this. It's so funny because my girls love these poppers. They look forward to them every year. And it was like the grand event of our get together and we're out there. We're tossing them on the driveway. And Sebastian didn't care for them. And then Augie was throwing them handfuls at a time. And he just looked at me and said, why are we doing this? And I was like, you know, I don't know. Steve goes out with our shop vac afterward to like suck up all of the little pieces of paper that they're wrapped in. It was odd, but it's a tradition.

Laura

It is a tradition, I guess. Yeah, he was like, why are we doing this? It's like, freedom? I don't know.

Shanna

The other funny thing he said, I love so much, is we had the garage door open, which is full of stuff, storage, just complete disarray. And he said, what's in your junkyard? Why do you guys have a junkyard? I couldn't, I laughed out loud. I thought it was so hilarious. I was like, it is a junkyard. It is, it is.

Laura

Out of the mouths of babes.

Shanna

Yup.

Laura

But we didn't stop there for our fourth of July celebrations, Shanna.

Shanna

Oh, tell me more.

Laura

Cory actually planned a little getaway for the 5th of July that I have to say I was a little skeptical about, but I let him take the reins. And in the end, I was so happy that I agreed to the plan because it was super fun, which was every year his friend Tim rents a sailboat. Like, I guess he's part of like a sailboat co-op. Oh, cool. He lives in Echo Park, okay? He's not like on the water, but he's part of a sailboat co-op and I guess he's been sailing his whole life. He's from San Diego or something. And so the sailboat co-op, you can rent boats from them. And so every Fourth of July holiday, he will rent a sailboat and sail out to Catalina with his family and stay there on the boat for a couple nights and then come home. Well, Corey at some point was like, oh, it would be fun to go out there with Tim. And I was like, I don't know. I can't imagine my kids on a sailboat to Catalina.

First of all, it gives me anxiety. Second of all, it's a long S trip. We asked him how long it takes. He's like, well, on a good, with good wind and good conditions, five hours. I was like, oh my God. What?

Shanna

Doesn't the ferry take like 30 minutes? Why does it take so long on the sailboat?

Laura

The ferry has a big old motor on it that pushes you out there. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The ferry takes about 90 minutes. I think like 60 to 90 minutes, depending on the route it's taking and whatever. Oh, OK. For those who don't know, you've probably deduced this from context clues, but Catalina is an island off the coast of LA. It's part of the Channel Islands, which is actually a national park, I think. Not a lot of people know that. And I've actually only been to Catalina as an adult once when I went on a little mini honeymoon with Corey before our big honeymoon. We like went on a, I think two night mini moon after we got married. And then we did our big honeymoon like six months later. And we had been meaning to go back.

So when Corey suggested that, you know, instead of taking the five plus hour sailboat ride to Catalina with Tim, that we could just take the ferry over for the day. like go out and come back the same day. That was more my speed. And the other thing is that we were going to meet Tim at Two Harbors, which is the much smaller of the two, quote unquote cities, the two towns on Catalina. Almost everyone goes to Avalon, which is like the big touristy area, you know, really, it's really cute and so nice to visit. And that's where I'd gone with Corey. But there's also this tiny little town just a little bit down the island called Two Harbors, and that's where Tim was. And Tim had sold it to us as like it being a really chill, like relaxing place to visit.

And because they are in a harbor, it's called Two Harbors, they're in a harbor, the water is super calm so the kids can swim in it without worrying about like waves and being sucked out into the ocean and all that stuff. So that's what we did. We woke up at 5.15 in the morning to get to the ferry. It was a little bit of a struggle, but the kids were so excited to go on a boat and we took the ferry out and the kids were just like so stoked to be on a boat. They wanted to go up and down, like up to the upper deck and down. I took Dramamine because I know I get seasick. So I was being very proactive about not turning green. So I was like, I'm staying on the upper deck guys. Like I don't care if it's cold, I'm getting fresh air and looking at the horizon. You guys can stay under deck and I'm happy to report that, you know, There were no incidents. Everyone was fine.

Shanna

Good.

Laura

And then, yeah, we went and we docked at two harbors from like, you know, 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Just hung out on the beach. It was just like a really long beach day. Tim has this whole crew that he sails with, like then that he meets up with every year. So there's this whole crew of kids that they got to play with. The boys were obsessed with the sailboat. They took the dinghy out to the sailboat two times to just hang out on there. I got to take a nap in the beach tent. It was great. That sounds amazing. But it makes me want to do it again because it was such a special way to spend a beach day. If you're going to go through all the effort to haul all your shit to the beach, you might as well go to a special beach. And it feels like you're somewhere so far away. So I highly recommend taking a trip to two harbors if you have a chance. And you can even go for the day.

It really was not that bad. We were home by nine. It's a long day, but it's fine. We got to sleep in our own bed.

Shanna

Yeah, that's so fun. Could you stay in two harbors if you'd wanted to?

Laura

Yes. So they have a campground and they have like glamping and there's one lodge. Like I think it's pretty fancy. There's one. I don't remember what they call it. It's some kind of hotel lodge, blah, blah, blah. But it was totally booked when we were there. So because, you know, we made this plan like last week.

Shanna

Of course.

Laura

But yes, you can stay there if you either want to camp or if you get that hotel reservation. And there's a restaurant, there's a little general store, so you can stock up with stuff when you're there. You don't have to bring everything.

Shanna

Man, this sounds so fun and quaint and relaxing. I love it. I'm going to tag along with you next year.

Laura

I know I want to go with you guys. I think that'd be such a fun mini vacation for us. Like we should look at our kids calendars and figure out when we both have time off maybe in the fall or something when it's really hot and go out there on an off day. Love that idea. Okay.

Shanna

Yeah. It's a plan.

Laura

Put on the list. OK, I will put it on the list. But that was a fun seafaring adventure. Oh, we saw dolphins like chasing our ferry. Oh, so fun. Oh, how cool.

Shanna

Oh, I love that.

Laura

Yeah. But how about you, other than hosting us for a wonderful Fourth of July? What did you do this week?

Shanna

We also did something out of the ordinary on Saturday. Tell me more. And that was we went to a wedding.

Laura

Oh, that's right. You were telling us when we went over for the 4th of July, we were like, oh, we've got to get home early so we can get a good night's sleep before we wake up at Crack-a-Dawn tomorrow to go to Catalina. And you're like, oh, yeah, we've got a big day tomorrow too. We're going to a wedding. And I was like, oh, what now? I was like, I didn't know we were allowed to go to those anymore in our 40s, you know?

Shanna

I know. I haven't been to a wedding in years. It was a co-worker of mine and they were getting married here in town at their house. And she invited several co-workers. And at first I had RSVP just for Steve and I to go because my mom and stepdad were supposed to come in town. I was like, you watch the kids, but their plans changed. And so kind of at the last minute, I was like, ah, can I bring the kids? And she's like, yeah, definitely. We're going to like have like some activities for kids or be other children. They're no worries. So this was a family affair. This was the girl's first ever wedding. And honestly, I was kind of nervous to bring them to such a fancy or formal event because they've never been to anything like that before.

Laura

I would also be nervous. Okay, so how'd it go?

Shanna

Well, things were off to a rough start as we were trying to get out the door for the wedding, which started at four. I managed to get the girls into nice attire. I was very proud of that. They wore linked little dresses and stuff. And Cece was having a meltdown on the floor in front of the front door about shoes, because she has these cute shoes she's worn before to go with dresses. None of those sandals were satisfactory to her. She's like, No, it feels uncomfortable and I tried to put socks on with the sandals and we went through all these different shoes. She was like, I want to wear my running shoes. I'm like, oh my God, they're so gross. She needs new running shoes, right? They're just like so full of dirt and old and everything. And finally I'm like, what about these sandals? And I just pull out her pool flip flops and she's like, yes.

And at that point I was like, I do not give two shits. about what shoes my kid wears to this wedding. I just want to go to the wedding. So things turned around once I allowed her to wear her pool sandals to the wedding. And we got in the car and we were on our way.

Laura

Was that on the dress code, on the invitation, like pool shoes, optional?

Shanna

Yeah, the dress code, I think, was semi-formal. So no one think flip-flops were on there, and neither were cat ears, which is what she also wore.

Laura

Leading heavily on the semi part of that statement.

Shanna

Yes, exactly. But let me tell you, she made a splash with her fashion. Both of the girls did, really. They walked into this wedding like they owned the place. They were so excited to go to this wedding. And they came in like, hey, the Yager girls are here. And they got a lot of attention. Everyone's like, oh my gosh, she looks so cute. I love your ears. This empowered them even more. They were going up to the bar ordering their own drinks, non-alcoholic, of course, just walking around with cans of LaCroix and lemonade and just acting like they owned this event.

Laura

That's so cute. The non-alcoholic thing is so funny because Sebastian, his new thing is, I don't drink that much, but I occasionally will have a hard seltzer or something, just something that's around or we're at a party and I'll have one. And I've had to tell him like, no, that's alcohol. You can't have it. So now every time I have a drink, any drink, he goes, is this alcohol? Like in public too. So like, I'll have like a Coke. And he's like, mom, is this alcohol? And I'm like, oh man, people around me must think I drink so much because my four year old is just like, mom, is that alcohol to like everything?

Shanna

Oh, just wait till you get one of those Mother's Day about me. Cheats from your kid, you know? It's like, my mom's favorite drink is, and he just puts alcohol. Oh my God, he probably would. Oh my God.

Laura

It's only because he wants to steal my drinks. It only comes up because I have to be like, no, that's alcohol. You can't have it. Right, right.

Shanna

I'm glad he checks. That's good that he knows.

Laura

I am also glad. But so that's great. They're running around like they own the place and cat ears and flip flops.

Shanna

100% their favorite item from the open bar were the edible flowers that were being used as garnishes for the signature cocktails. As soon as they saw those, I was like, can I have one of those? I'm like, I guess you could just go ask. So she went right up. She's like, can I have a flower for my lemonade? He's like, sure. And he gave CECE one, but it was like a dyed blue. I don't even know what type of flowers are edible, hibiscus or something. But it was dyed blue. So she ate this flower and had like the bluest mouth song and lives so. I also had a great time. I love weddings. It was really fun to just see a lot of old co-workers and mingle and hang out. There was a taco station and the food was incredible. incredible. The girls loved it. That's another thing. They just went right up in the line themselves and ordered their stuff from the vendors.

But I was worried about their ability to stay up late enough for this event, right? Because my girls usually go to bed pretty early. I'm like, ugh, I think they're getting tired. This was probably around Maybe I was like, you guys getting tired. Sissy was like, yes, but we have not had cake. I'm like, yeah, I know. L goes up to the bride and was like, excuse me, when is the cake?

I was like, sorry, Lisa. She's like, no, it's fine. She's like, it's okay. Things are running behind. I don't know. It'll probably be out in a while. She's like, I'll save you some cake. I'll bring it into the office in a couple of days. I'm like, okay, perfect. I'm like, all right, girls, I'll get you cake at the office. Let's go. No. These girls put their flip-flopped feet down about that. And we're like, we are staying for the cake. And I was like, all right, fine. At this point, these girls have gotten a second wind. They've discovered all the activities that Lisa had set out for children. There were bubbles. There were coloring books. They were ordering a second round of tacos. That cake did not get served until like 10 p.m. And my girls did not flag. Their energy did not flag. They were here for it. They were the first people to get a slice of cake. It was delicious.

And it was everything they could have wanted in an event, I think. It was one of the best days of their life.

Laura

I loved fancy events as a kid. I feel like I had to go to a lot of them because my parents were always going to like doctor shit at the hospital, you know, like fundraising gallows and stuff like that. My mom would always just drag us along. And I loved it. I thought it was the best.

Shanna

Yeah. It's kind of fun, too, because the adults are all busy and preoccupied doing their thing and talking to people. So as a kid, you kind of just wander off. That's what happened with the girls here, because it was at her house. And so I was talking to people, and all of a sudden, I'm like, oh, where's Cece and Elle? And they're just off eating edible flowers and coloring pages. It's a sense of independence, I think. In fact, after Cece had eaten her cake and the night was Ending, she like leaned back in this comfy chair outside on the patio and said wistfully, ah, well, my first wedding, done. And the satisfaction oozing out of her was palpable.

Laura

She's so funny. Oh, my God.

Shanna

Oh, she's so funny. So they did go to bed late. Do you think they slept in the next day? Oh, God, no. Even one minute more? No, no, no. Negative minutes.

Laura

They probably woke up extra early.

Shanna

Yes. Yes, they did. And the rest of the weekend was tricky because of that.

Laura

But it is what it is. It is what it is. Well, that's fun. I think, you know, special occasions like that, you get to sort of throw the Schedule out the window and just have fun.

Shanna

100%. That was a good lesson for me too because, you know, me, I'm often very precious about bedtime and blah, blah, blah. And this was such a good example of how it's fine to throw it out the window and just be in the moment and celebrate and do things different sometimes. Awesome. But yeah, that was my check-in. Should we move on to our special segment? Yes, we should.

We are back and this week's special segment is the throwback. And Laura, this week it is your turn to tell us a tale from your past that may or may not inform your parenting now. I'm very excited to hear it. Take it away.

Laura

So your story from last week inspired me to think of mistakes I made in my college years. Excellent. And believe it or not, I think I'd like to talk about the biggest mistake I made in college, which was the boyfriend I chose.

Okay. So to start things off, we have to come up with a fake name for him, which is going to be really hard because he kind of like spoiler alert, he turned out to be a jerk. I think I've mentioned it in the past, but he has like the best jerk name, but also because he's a jerk, I can't use this real name because he will probably sue me for flander or libel. I can never remember which one's the spoken one. So what do you think you knew him briefly? Well, like for a year or two, right? What do you think we should call this guy?

Shanna

Oh man, I love this creative task you've given me here. Because the name is interesting because while it does fit in summer guards, like it also didn't fit at all and others like Like the first alternative that came to mind was like Harley or something like that, you know, true. Or if you want to go more on the nose and just call him dick.

Laura

Oh, that's good. Yeah, let's call him dick. OK, that's perfect because his name was a nickname anyway. Dick, it's great because the other thing is that his name gives off red flags, his real name. So Dick would also be like, oh, you choose to go by Dick? OK. That's no shade to anyone whose name is Dick. Like my next door neighbor growing up, his name was Dick and he was so nice. But you know, like it's an interest. You have to like really get over the other connotations to willingly call yourself Dick. So perfect. Perfect. OK. So.

This is going to stretch my storytelling abilities because there are different ways to frame this and there could be a very sad and depressing way to frame this story. But I am going to attempt to approach it with humor and I really want to frame it in how it affected my relationship with my mom and how she handled my relationship with him. And so that's, you know, where I'm going with it because I was so inspired by how your mom like literally gave you the skirt off her own butt or or when I was the other way around the shorts. I can't remember. I think it was a skirt, right? You gave her your shorts.

Shanna

Flowy pants.

Laura

Flowy pants, yes.

And I was thinking about how during that era of my life, when I was in my late teens, early 20s, how my mom really showed up to support me.

Shanna

Awesome.

Laura

So the short version of the story is that Dick and I went to college together. It's perfect. You're laughing because it's perfect.

Shanna

Yes, I love that.

Laura

We went to college together. He was a year ahead of me. Honestly, this is not retroactive thinking. I did not like him at all when I first met him. Really? I actively kind of disliked him. I found him annoying. I found him loud and brash. And I was just like, I have no interest in this person. Like I was just completely uninterested in him, right? And he was just a guy that he was not a theater major, but he was in like a lot of theater production. So that's how I first met him. And actually, I was like a stage manager for a play that he was in, like a faculty production, right? Okay. he started flirting with me while I was that stage manager. Like I remember very clearly he was like really trying to like compliment me and always like flirting with me during rehearsals. And I remember being like, first of all, I had a boyfriend.

Oh, I was for some reason loyal to my high school boyfriend when honestly, I should have seen the writing on the wall and like broken up with him when I went to college. But I thought I needed to be like, I Having been the child of divorce, I put loyalty kind of like on too high of a pedestal. You know what I mean? Like I, it wasn't even loyalty. It's not like I was trying to be, it's not like I was trying to cheat on him or anything. But what I mean is like, I thought like you pick a person and you stick with it. You know, like I really wanted to be more persistent than I thought my parents were, right? Even though my parents were married for like 15 years, like they gave it a good run.

Shanna

Yeah.

Laura

But as a young person, I thought like, okay, you know, I need to be more dedicated, right? So I had gone to college maintaining my high school relationship. It was definitely doomed from the start. He had his issues. I had my issues. It was just you're rarely meant to be with the person you've started dating at 16, right? But when Dick was flirting with me, I was like, no, I'm in a relationship like it also. I didn't really like it. I found them like really annoying. That was the fall production. Fast forward to the spring. I'd finally broken up with my high school boyfriend and I actually like started kind of dating some other this other guy just really for a couple weeks, right? You know, college romance, blah, blah, blah. I wasn't any big love or anything, but we were just kind of, we're messing around, if you would. Anyway, so Dick found out about this and like freaked out.

Because he had it in his head that I had promised him that if and when I broke up with my high school boyfriend, I would go tell him and he would be like next in line or something. I found the whole thing really unsettling and bad. There were a lot of red flags from day one. But fast forward, what happened is my thing with this other guy didn't work out. When he found out that I was single again, the love bombing began. So he just went full force trying to win me over. And eventually it worked because love bombing does work, right? Like, especially if you don't know what it is. I was just like, well, this guy seems to be obsessed with me. Like it like this guy seems to think that I am the answer to all of his problems. And then if we were dating, you know, it would make him the happiest guy in the world. And maybe, you know, maybe I'm missing something, right?

Like maybe there's something that, you know, maybe like maybe I should give him a chance type thing, right?

Shanna

Right. What are some examples of

Laura

Love bombing things he would do he would come by my dorm room every day like every like like multiple times a day leave notes He would call me on my like landline dorm phone like leave messages about how much how beautiful I was. And I don't remember all the details anymore because it's been so long. Guys, this was the year 2000. So this was a long time ago. And I just remember he was persistent. Like at some point we were moving out of the dorms and I was trying to move some of my stuff to my stepdad's house on the other side of Portland. And he like insisted on helping me, right? Like he insisted on helping me move stuff. And I was sort of like, I'm okay. But he like forced himself in and then he basically like made us go to dinner and like during dinner, you know, he was like, oh, we got to stop for dinner. We got to stop before you get back. We get back to campus.

And at dinner, he was just like complimenting me up and down and blah, blah, blah. And then he insisted on paying for dinner even though I was like, this is not a date. Like I kept saying, this is not a date. This is not a date. So it just was a lot of flattery and like nonstop, right? To the point where I felt very flattered. Right? I was like, oh, and you know, I was, I was a young woman who had gone through a breakup and, you know, felt really sort of fragile and I also was really, really insecure because I was actually still 17 at the time I was about to turn 18. But I was the youngest person that I knew at my college because I had graduated a year early and so like there were all these insecurities I I had that typical late 90s early 2000s thing where I thought I was just hideously large You know, I had no self-esteem as far as my body went and so I definitely at some point I

Got the impression that I was not going to find anyone else who liked me this much, right? Right. But anyway, at the end of that school year, we ended up hooking up and then he was like, I love you like right away. It was like this whole thing. He was again, this love bombing thing. And so we ended up dating for seven years after that. Wow. Yeah, it was a long time. It's a long time. Well, three of those years were college. One of those semesters he was studying abroad in Rome. Another full year, he had already gone to grad school in Austin, Texas. So like we actually were only together three semesters. You know what I mean? Like in person. So it was one of those things where it was kind of easy to maintain because we would just talk on the phone or email and we were quote unquote dating, but it didn't consume my life most of the time. Right. That makes sense.

I don't know exactly when things started to go sour. I think that the fact that we were long-distance for so long kind of hid a lot of his personality issues for lack of a better word. I'm gonna say I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm not his psychiatrist. I don't think he has one. And so I can't diagnose him with anything, but I will say a lot of his behaviors are consistent with what you might see in someone with a narcissistic personality disorder.

This love bombing to begin with and then it just it transitioned into a lot of like emotional and verbal abuse towards me right like we really like at some point it started the tide started to turn and at that point I had gotten like so far into the relationship it was again this loyalty thing and I was so gaslit into thinking that like he was the only one for me and we were meant to be together and all this stuff and that you know he would do things like tell me he would die without me and like he you know I felt very like responsible for his well-being so if you if you want to get a picture of the relationship you could like read any primer on what a narcissistic relationship looks like because it was textbook I now realize at the time I did not realize this. At the time, I thought, oh, you know, I picked my guy and we need to go through it through thick and thin, right?

Like, I need to be loyal. I need to support him. He's going through a hard time. It turned out that he was always going through a hard time. But, you know, like, I need to support him, blah, blah, blah.

Shanna

Okay, so he's off in Texas. You are finishing college and you're still together. What happened after you graduated college?

Laura

So I had applied to a couple of writing programs, including the USC professional writing program, and got into the USC program. And I was very excited about that. But I decided, and by I decided, I think Dick kind of decided for us, that I would defer for a year so I could come live with him in Texas. Yeah.

Shanna

I either didn't know that or I forgot. Yeah.

Laura

I mean, in one way I'm glad because we probably wouldn't have become as good of friends if I had gone the year before, right? Because I don't even know anyone from our previous year. You know, it led to a lot of good friendships and stuff. But yeah, no, I'm trying to remember whose idea it was. But I mean, I think it was his. He wanted me to live with him in Austin. And I was convinced that it was a good idea to take a gap year, right? And so they let me defer. So it was fine. So what we decided to do was we were going to drive from Portland to Fresno, stay a couple of weeks in Fresno with my mom at my mom's house and then drive off to Austin. And this is where the sort of parenting thing comes in. So that's somewhere when we got to Fresno. My mom got to live with us like as adults living together, right? And she immediately clocked that something was wrong. It was so interesting because

Part of the emotional abuse is gaslighting, right? So I was gaslit into thinking everything's fine. Everything's fine. Like he just yells at me because he's so passionate, right? Or he just yells at me because I did something wrong or oh, you're just catching him on a bad day. There's always some excuse, right? Right. And the other thing about people who might be narcissists is that they're really, really good at performing for other people. So my dad and my stepmom never lived with us. They were not going to let their unmarried daughter share a room with her college boyfriend. So we would just go over to the house to visit or whatever. And they saw him at, you know, like the graduations, the parents weekends, that sort of thing. They both freaking loved him. They did? Oh yeah. Especially my stepmom. She thought he was so great. She thought he was so polite, so wonderful.

I mean, they just sung his praises. And this is part of the reason why I was so gaslit, right? Is because, you know, like people around me are telling me like, oh, Dick is great. You know what I mean? Like, oh, you're so lucky. That's such a nice guy. Like he's so helpful when he's over at our house and blah, blah, blah, right? Like he knew how to turn it on, especially for the parents. However, that was only in short bursts when he had to like sustain it for weeks when we're living with my mom. He couldn't do it. The cracks show through. And my mom had to witness how I was being treated by him and how I was like walking on eggshells. And it really upset her, like really, really upset her. So the day we were supposed to leave, we had packed up my gold Saturn sedaya with all of my belongings so we could drive out to Austin. And Dick had some deadline.

He wanted to play poker with his friends, all right? And it was on a specific day. He wanted to pay poker with some friends who were going to leave town if we didn't get there by a certain time. So he was like, we got to go and drive straight through and blah, blah, blah. And again, I was just like, okay, because I didn't want to make him upset. My mom got me alone at some point while he was loading up the car. traveling stressful for anyone, you add on that someone who's an actual, like an actual dick, right? Like it's really bad, right? So he was, he had been like yelling at me, like berating me all day, like calling me stupid for packing things wrong and blah, blah, blah. And my mom couldn't hold it anymore. And she just pulled me aside and she was crying. And she was like, dick is so mean to you. She's like, he is so mean to you. Like don't move to Austin. She's like, don't do this.

Meanwhile, Dick is literally on the other side of the door yelling, like, Laura, where are you? We gotta go. We're gonna be late. And I just remember standing there, seeing my mom sobbing, knowing that everything I own is in this car and trying to weigh what to do. This is new information to me, basically, because I didn't think anyone else saw what was going on. I thought everyone else in the world just thought that everything was fine. And anytime I had doubts, I'd be like, well, it's just me. I'm too sensitive. That was a very common one. You're too sensitive.

So I just remember being like kind of paralyzed, not knowing what to do. And then I finally was like, mom, I know he's he's being mean, but he stressed and I made excuses for him. And I left with him. And in retrospect, that was a chance for me, right? But I didn't take it.

Shanna

Well, the timing was really unfortunate. I mean, I understand like your mom trying to hold it in and everything, you know, and then not being able to at the last minute. But Like, that's no time for you to absorb it and make that decision.

Laura

Especially considering we had signed a lease in Austin, right? Like, I didn't think, you know, I was only, what, 21 at the time? I didn't know you could break a lease, you know? I didn't know my mom probably would have paid the broken lease fee for me. You know, I was just like, oh, we have obligations. You know, he has to be back for this poker game or else he'll miss his friend, you know, end of the world. Yeah. So I just didn't know I even had a choice to like change my plans at that point. And so all I was thinking of is the longer I wait, the more I'm going to get yelled at, right? Like when I leave. Yeah. So I chose to go with him, but it was definitely planting a seed in my head, right? Spoiler alert, he did not make to that poker game because when we stopped in Tucson to visit his uncle, his uncle's German shepherd attacked me and I had to go to the ER. Yeah. Oh my God.

Shanna

Ugh. And let me guess, Dick was mad at you for getting attacked by a dog and putting him behind on his schedule?

Laura

Dick was very mad at me for putting him behind. He wasn't mad at me for getting bitten by the dog. He was mad at me for wanting to pick up the antibiotics that were recommended by the ER, yeah. And he missed his poker game. Yes. So anyway, so I had to deal with that. And I do remember after, like, that was a moment where I was like, ooh. Maybe I shouldn't live with this guy. But again, it's like, at least all my stuff in the car. This is my plan for the next year. You know, I already deferred for grad school. Like, what am I going to do?

Shanna

Yeah.

Laura

But there were little hints that things like this was, you know, my mom planted the seed, him getting mad at me for wanting antibiotics was definitely like, even, even through my gas lit haze, I was like, oh, that's bad. Like this is bad that you said that to me, you know.

Shanna

Yeah.

Laura

So we live in Austin for a very miserable year. I, you know, people always ask me, oh, how did you like living in Austin? And I'm like, I don't know because I was in a terribly abusive relationship that like the only person I knew was him or friends of his. You know what I mean? So like, I can't judge Austin based on my mood at the time, but I did not have a nice year there. And, you know, I decided, OK, I'm going to, I'm going to move on to my graduate program that I had deferred, right? And at that very moment someone else saw through his facade and those people were the administration of his graduate program because he got kicked out at the end of that year. He did. He didn't finish. So it's one of those PhD programs where you get your masters first and then they have to invite you back for your PhD. And usually it's like.

you get invited back for your PhD unless you do something kind of egregious. And yeah, he was just not a good student. He just thought he could float by and did not do his work and did not get approved for his PhD. So all of a sudden he's following me to LA. And honestly, I remember being so disappointed because I knew in my heart of hearts I was going to use that as an opportunity to break free from him. So I had already started this process of like, okay, I think there's something wrong here, right? So he followed me to LA, but that meant he could continue to gas like me. So anyway, in LA, I meet you. I meet our friend Jen. I meet all of our friends that we have now. They're wonderful. And that pissed Dick off so much that I created- What? Oh, yeah. He didn't want other people to have influence over me, right? Like he didn't want- Wow. He wanted to be my whole world.

That's the thing that narcissists do. They isolate you, right? So the more I hung out with you guys, the more he'd get angry and just make my life really unpleasant. But I was just like, I have friends. I'm not going to apologize for having friends. And I think it's because that seed had been planted by my mom. He's mean to you, she said to me. He's mean to you. And I said, he is kind of mean to me, right? So long story short, one day I discover he's cheating on me.

And that is the final straw for me. I cut him off completely and just was like, I feel very proud of myself for this, right? I was just like, nope, that is a line and I'm not going back. So like I cut him off. We never got back together. I literally only talked to him for like logistical things, like he had to move out the apartment and blah, blah, blah. But I refused to engage with him on, like, emotional level or anything from that point forward.

Shanna

Amazing. Good for you. Thank you.

Laura

Thank you. And I finally got to hear how much all my friends hated him all along. Jen especially did not hold back.

Shanna

She was like, that guy's a dick. Yeah. I know. No, I know. It was hard because I didn't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but I was definitely like, I do not like that guy.

Laura

Well, and he predated you by so many years. It's not like you'd come in and be like, oh, you know, Laura, I like you, but your boyfriend's an asshole. You just kind of had to be like, well, I mean, I really appreciate that you didn't give up on me for having an asshole boyfriend because I feel like a lot of people would be like, I don't want to invite Laura to this party, but I don't want Dick to come along.

Shanna

Aw, no, no, your amazingness was so strong and powerful. Aw, so strong. Yes.

Laura

But I just want to put a little cap on the story in that about, I want to say like five, six months after we broke up, when it became clear to him that I wasn't going to talk to him like ever again, he changed tactics and decided to write everyone in my family like handwritten letters, trying to like get them to tell me to talk to him, right? Oh, was he trying to get you back? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So like about three months after the breakup, he must have broken up with his other girl, other woman, I should say. She was a significant amount older than him and then realized he needed someone in his life to take care of him. Because by the way, I was supporting him financially. I did his laundry. You know what I mean? I was just doing everything for him.

Shanna

Yeah.

Laura

because that's what I thought a partner did, right? So he was trying to get me back probably because he just couldn't function in real life without a woman taking care of him. And so he wrote a letter to my dad and my stepmom apologizing for everything and just asking if he could get a message to me about how sorry he was and blah, blah, blah. And I only know about this because when he sent that to my mom as well, my mom called me immediately and she's like, Oh, my God, get a load of this shit.

Shanna

Awesome.

Laura

Because she saw through him. And so she called me and she's like, I'll burn the letter. I'll do whatever you want. I was like, oh, I don't want to respond. She's like, oh, God, no, I wouldn't respond. She's like, the first thing I did was laugh and say, oh, Laura's going to think this is hilarious. Oh, my gosh. Meanwhile, my dad and stepmom who hadn't seen through it wrote him back, Shanna, and said, yeah, and said they'll always think of him fondly or some crap like that. I was just like, Wow. There's a lot to say about the difference between emotional abuse and physical abuse and would they have done that if he had been hitting me? But that's for a more serious podcast. But yeah, when you were talking about your mom giving you her clothes off her back,

That's why I think it's like my mom is the only person in my life who was able to like stand up and say like, no, I see through his shit and I want you to know and plant those seeds of doubt in me. And she didn't let that get between us. So she because that was another thing that Dick really wanted to do was to divide me and my mom. He would talk shit about my mom to me all the time because I think he knew. Oh yeah, because he knew that she was a threat, right? So he would say all these bad things about her, but she knew better than to let it completely ruin our relationship, right? Like she could have said, like, if you're still with him, I don't want to see you, right? And that would have backfired probably for all of us. So I'm just really grateful to her that she had that foresight and handled it the way she did. I think she still, she still brings it up.

She's like, I tried to tell you and I just want her to know like you did. Like it just took a couple years. You know what I mean? Like, but you still did tell me. Like if you hadn't told me then it may have taken a lifetime, you know, or I might have gotten married and had kids with this guy, right? So, you know, I am really grateful for that. And I hope that I can keep that connection and objectivity when it comes to whoever my kids end up being romantically involved with.

Shanna

Yeah, for sure. Do you talk to her ever about that time and, you know, what she was thinking about him or anything?

Laura

Oh, yeah, because she brings it up constantly.

Shanna

Oh, really?

Yes.

Laura

She likes to bring it up in front of Cory and I'm like, okay, mom, like it's the past. Like, can we let it go? Because Cory doesn't need to be She usually brings up like, oh, Corey, you're so great. Like her last boyfriend. I was like, mom, like I was so young. But but yeah, she to this day holds a grudge against him. Unfortunately, I think he now lives in the same neighborhood as my stepdad. So I'm like, oh, I don't want to run into him. But oh, but yeah, I am glad to be free. And it was a big opportunity for learning in my life. And I feel like I really did learn a lesson. And I came out Yeah. Of it on the other side. I will say one other comment. It was about three years, two, three years after I had broken up with Dick, that I was like in the car with Jen, our friend Jen. So we just gone somewhere and we were talking about things, talking about relationships, blah, blah, blah.

And I turned to her and I said, you know what? I think I was in an abusive relationship with Dick. And she turned to me, she's like, yeah, thank you.

She's like, wait, you just figured that out? I was like, yeah. She was like, oh my God, I knew you weren't an abusive relationship. I can't believe you just figured that out.

Shanna

Well, that's the thing is that you don't see it sometimes, and that's how you get stuck in it. And then when your partner is manipulative and narcissistic, And like so good at like twisting your feelings and stuff that I think it's probably a lot easier to become a victim than people realize so it really is I mean and I have to say that even now looking back I I don't get it like I I Understand it a little more because I went through it But like now that I'm in a healthy relationship.

Laura

I'm like holy shit Wow, that was bad, you know, but it took getting into a healthy relationship and all that to to really realize it. But yeah, I just have to thank my mom. She planted that seed.

Shanna

Oh, and she saw the truth. Ah, one more reason to love Dr. Susan. Indeed.

Laura

All right. Well, I hope that was entertaining and not just a trauma dump for everyone.

Shanna

It was. Okay, good. The entertaining part, not the trauma dumping part.

Laura

We could have like a serious version where like Laura trauma dumps on the podcast. But for now, should we move on to our BFPs and BFNs?

Shanna

Oh, I think we should.

Laura

We close every episode with a Big Fat Positive or a big fat negative from the week. And Shanna, you're up first. Do you have a BFP or a BFN?

Shanna

I have a BFP. Woo woo. So the day after the wedding was a little tricky because the girls were low on sleep. But there is something we did later that day that I have to report on.

Laura

You had a packed weekend.

Shanna

packed indeed. So earlier in the week, I'd been emailing with my dad little things here and there. And I guess he saw like a Facebook real or story, I don't know what they are, of like a little toddler girl, like pushing a shopping cart through a grocery store. That seemed to be it. It was just something like, oh, shopping with my little kid or whatever. This inspired my dad to email me and say, I have a challenge for you. And I'm like, OK. He said, if I give each one of your girls $100, you have to take them to the grocery store and let them spend it on their own and do their own shopping and get whatever they want. What? Are you up for the challenge? And I was like, yeah, I'm up for that challenge. Like, you don't have to ask me twice. That sounds amazing on a lot of levels. First of all, $200 on

Naively, Laura, I was thinking $200 on things my kids will eat for lunch. I waited. I held off on this because I'm like, oh, we've got a lot of groceries right now. I just went shopping. Maybe I'll wait for this shopping spree for Sunday. But we did it. We did it on Sunday.

Laura

I need like an itemized shopping list. Like what happened? I need to know all about this. It's amazing.

Shanna

So I wanted to figure out where to actually do the shopping trip. At first I was thinking Ralph's, which is like a Kroger supermarket. But then I'm like, they do not have the tiny shopping carts. And that's like a big part of this, I think. He was like, he literally said, If they push their own shopping carts, you do not tell them anything, like if you don't guide them or anything, just let them shop. So there is a grocery store in the next little town over that has tiny shopping carts and sells like that's where we're gonna go. We go into the store, I take a lot of videos. So I might be able to put together a little super cut of this whole thing for you. But for now, let me talk about it. We go in, they've got their little carts and I'm like, all right, girls, here's the challenge. You each gonna take a $100 bill and shop for whatever you want. They were like, oh my God, $100, right?

They were so excited. They put them in their little purse. They each put their $100 in their little purse and got started. As grocery stores are, you know, kind of usually start like in the produce section that's kind of up front. So that's where we started off. And I was very proud of CECE. She made a beeline for the carrots immediately. She's like, I need to get carrots.

Laura

Very, very unexpected. My children would not have done that.

Shanna

She picked out a bag of carrots, and then she went and picked out Roma tomatoes, a bunch of them, and put them in her cart. That was the last thing either of them bought in the produce section. They immediately left that area. I could tell Elle was starting to get a little anxious about what to buy. She's like, only have this much money. How, what am I gonna spend it on? I don't know. She was having like that decision paralysis type of thing. So mostly like the first part of the trip, they were kind of just walking up and down the aisles making jokes to each other about everything. Like, see, see, this is what you need. And like pointing to baby diapers, you know? And they were just cracking up making jokes until we got to the ice cream aisle and the damn burst. They were just like, Kit Kat ice cream mint chocolate ice cream box of popsicles box of ice cream cones.

I mean their carts got really full.

And I think then the like joy of spending money really took over. And they were able to finish their trip. We did go down every single aisle. They got the opportunity to look at every single thing. And here's an overview of what they ended up buying. They got Lunchables to take to lunch for camp. Soup from the hot bar for dinner. They wanted to have dinner from what they purchased. They each got a container of deli olives, the green Castlevano olives. Yeah, I do too. Elle got a wedge of garlic and herb cheese. Nice. And then collectively, two chocolate chip cookies, one glazed doughnut, one box of popsicles, as I mentioned, a box of drumsticks, a box of ice cream cones, two gallons of ice cream, one dozen sugar cookies, 24 cupcakes, and two entire full-size birthday cakes.

I was like, okay, I mean, I was happy they at least like bought, you know, some dinner-y type of things. Yeah. Yeah, and we went to check out and CECE's total. She was not, you know, tracking or itemizing anything. Her total came to $99.94. Laura. Are you kidding?

Laura

She's a natural. Wow.

Shanna

I'm not kidding. I was shocked. Elle's came to like $75 because she was a little more cautious. So she's got $25 to blow at some other point.

Laura

Look out Ralph's ice cream aisle.

Shanna

Exactly. They rang up everything themselves at the self-checkout area and got their receipts and paid, and it was like a fun, interesting adventure.

Laura

Was CeCe able to like really track the money? Well, I mean, obviously she did a perfect job, but like when she was counting, because I know Augie, he's actually pretty good with math and 10s and counting up and all that stuff. But like, I feel like he would kind of get overwhelmed at some point, trying to keep track of all that.

Shanna

Neither of them did any type of money tracking, as far as I could tell.

Laura

They just got super lucky.

Shanna

Yeah. Like CECE, I just have this image of CECE walking down aisle, like picking up the biggest like thing of 12 starry sodas and being like, I'm getting this and like plopping it in. Like that was the attitude behind every single thing. She got, I'm getting these carrots, throw them in. I do think maybe her total came to like $99 and then at the last minute, she's like, what else can I throw in and got a bag of Skittles or something? But I was still like shocked at how close she came to $100 without going over. So Bob Barker would be very proud of her. I know. It's absolutely perfect.

Laura

I'm just imagining it like supermarket sweep where they're running and getting like giant turkeys and stuff.

Shanna

Get ten hams. They're the most expensive. Go for the ham. Go for the ham. Yes. And look, I obviously think it's like funny and cute to see what they bought, like all of these snacks and everything. But at the same time, it like pangs me in a way because it feels so frivolous, right? Like you've got this money, like spend it on dinner and lunch and everything. But the good news is, This stuff they bought, it keeps. We've got an extra refrigerator. And Elle is fixing to throw a birthday party for our cat Jasmine. So we are going to have plenty of cake to serve to the people who come to that party.

Laura

Oh my gosh, that's too funny. Well, that's really fun. I think they'll remember this for a long time. And what a great idea from your dad. I assume you took all those videos so you could send them to your dad.

Shanna

Yes, yes. I'm going to put together a little video of the highlights and send it over to him. And it was fun. At one point, Elle just looked at me and said, this is way more fun than I even thought it would be. And when Steve asked him, is there anything you learned through this experience? They both said shopping is awesome. I was hoping they'd say something about budgeting, but, you know, they are kids.

Laura

Yeah.

Shanna

But yeah, that is my BFP.

Laura

What do you got for us this week? Well, I have a BFP, but my current BFN is that for some reason, there are lawnmowers and leaf blowers going on outside. It's not the day. We record specifically today so that we don't get leaf blowers. So if you hear a little droning in the background, we're going to power through and finish this episode, but apologies to our listeners. So my BFP, you know what? I was going to talk about something else, but as I told my throwback story, I was like, you know what? I think my BFP has to be Corey. Aw. Aww, absolutely. And obviously, I'm grateful for him all the time. And I don't want to lean too heavily on being grateful for him in comparison to the fact that I used to be in an abusive relationship. You know what I mean? I don't want him to think that I only like him because he's not a narcissist. You know what I mean?

To be fair, that is a good reason to like someone. It's a good starting point. So I don't want anyone to think that I'm just saying, okay, well, he's better than this very low bar that I set for myself in my early 20s. But no, obviously he exceeds the bar by leaps and bounds. He's just flying high over that bar. And I just want to acknowledge how lucky I am that I ended up in a relationship with someone who's like, emotionally stable, someone who's kind to me, someone who's an equal partner, someone who takes care of the kids equally, who doesn't have any expectation that I should be the default parent. There's just so much he does that's so great and amazing and I think obviously speaks to his upbringing. I think his mom had a lot to do with what a wonderful person he is. So,

you know extra bfp his mom sherry to my mother-in-law sherry but you know i just i think it's always good to reflect and you know we like anyone i get a little grumpy sometimes about like i you know the dishes didn't get done or whatever you know what i mean like i can get a little. annoyed at things that your spouse does because we all do. But when I put it into perspective and what I've been through, I just cannot be more grateful that I'm married to and have kids with Corey and no one else, you know? So, yeah. That is my very short and sweet BFP. Just very grateful for Corey.

Shanna

Yeah, and a very deserving BFP. Corey is awesome. Zero red flags there. And I personally loved Corey from the moment I met him, unlike Dick. So I'm also grateful for Corey.

Laura

And it's so nice that we are married to nice guys. Our core group of friends all have really great partners. And that just makes life so much better because we can all hang out, all our husbands like each other. It makes life so much better.

Yeah, that's my BFP. And I think that's our show.

Shanna

Yes, it is. Thank you all so much for listening. If you want to support our show, here are a few quick ways that you can do so that costs zero money. One, share this episode or another one of your favorites with someone who you think might like the show as well. Make sure that you are subscribed or following us wherever you listen so you always get our new episodes. And if you see someone out on the forums on Reddit, Facebook, Instagram, wherever that are looking for a great parenting and pregnancy podcast, please spread the word, share that you like BFP or that you learned something interesting or you were entertained by us. That helps so much grow our BFP family, and we appreciate it so much. And as always, if you leave us a five-star review, we might read it on an upcoming episode, so head on over to Spotify, Apple Podcast, wherever you listen, and drop those five stars.

If you have any thoughts or comments or feedback on this episode or anything else, please reach out. We love to hear from you. Laura, where can everyone find us?

Laura

We are on all the social medias at BFP podcast. We have a website, BigBatPositivePodcast.com. If you want to send us an email, just send it to contact at BigBatPositivePodcast.com. And finally, if you want to join the coolest group of people on the internet, just search BFP community on Facebook. It's a private group, guys. You got it? Request to join and answer those two membership questions so you know you're not a robot, but once you do that, you'll be set straight through to all the amazing, wonderful, supportive conversations we're having in there.

Shanna

Our show is produced by Laura Birek, Shanna Micko, and Steve Yager. Thanks for listening, everyone. Have a big, fat, positive week. Bye! Bye!

Taking Kids to a Wedding: What Could Go Wrong? – Ep. 370

August 4, 2025

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Episode Transcript

Taking Kids to a Wedding: What Could Go Wrong? – Ep. 370

August 4, 2025

Listen Now:

This episode's sponsors:

Whisker Litter-Robot

Once Upon a Dance

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Episode Transcript