Finding Your Mom Village – Ep. 261

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Shanna

Hi, welcome to Big Fat Positive with Shanna and Laura. On this week's episode, we have our weekly check-ins. We have our special segment, Check in the Inbox, where we talk about leaving our city and finding our village, and we wrap it up with our weekly BFPs and BFNs. Let's get started.

Hi everyone, welcome to episode 261. Hey, Laura. Hi, Shanna. Hi, why don't you get us started and give us your check-in for the week?

Laura

Okay, so if I sound tired, it's not your ears. It's reality because... No. Sebastian is sleeping like shit again. Why? I don't know. We're now thinking that maybe it has to do with his ears. You know how we had been to the ENT and they said that he has fluid in his inner ear or his middle ear, I should say. And you know how we're like, oh, we're trying to be conservative and make sure that it's not going to resolve itself before we go get ear tubes placed and make him have a surgery and all that stuff. And after this week, we're like, fuck, maybe we should just like have gone forward with the surgery because Maybe this is why he is waking up three to four times a night every night this week.

Shanna

Oh my God. Is the ear fluid a known sleep disruptor? I don't know.

Laura

Like when you have an ear infection, it's uncomfortable, but he doesn't like have an ear infection. He has something called otitis media with effusion or OME, which is like basically just having fluid in your middle ear without signs of an active infection. And it could be there because there had been an active infection and it just wasn't draining. But he doesn't show any signs of being uncomfortable during the day, like no real tugging at his ears or anything, right? And the doctor said that his eardrum looked fine. So, I don't know. And our sleep-deprived desperation this week, we tried to call the ENT's office to move up his recheck of his ears to see if we could get his surgery scheduled earlier or something. And they were like, oh, well, we're now scheduling two months out. So we wouldn't be able to fit you in anyway. Like, oh, fuck. So now we just have to wait.

But the thing that's really compounding the problem this week is, a sudden and completely out of the blue refusal to get into his crib. Oh no, that's not fun. And when I say a refusal to get into his crib, it's not just like a little protest and then he goes down. There was one night this week, I think it was Tuesday, where the night before he slept in his crib. I mean he woke up a couple times but he slept in his crib. Tuesday night we go to put him in his crib and this child reacted like we were trying to lower him into like a pit of snakes or something, you know, like, oh God. Climbing over us, trying to like crawl over our bodies to get out of the crib. You know, and it was so out of the blue that I was just like, I don't know what's going on with him. I'll give him a second to try to settle. And then he starts trying to climb out of his crib, which has never happened before.

But he was like hooking his leg over the edge, and I was like, well, shit. Like this isn't going to work. So that night, he decided the only place he wanted to sleep was the couch in his room.

And did you let him? After like arguing with him basically for an hour, I took about a half hour of trying to convince him otherwise. And then I was like, fine, sleep on the couch. And Corey was like, no, no, no, no, we're not doing that. And I was like, okay, if you want to convince him otherwise, go ahead. He goes in like 40 minutes later, he comes back and he's like, he's sleeping on the couch.

Shanna

Wow, strong will. He really knows what he wants as far as where to sleep these days.

Laura

Yeah, and that's not in his crib. So that next day, of course, I converted it into a toddler bed because I was like, well, he's climbing out. It's not safe. And he's not sleeping in it anyway. So who cares? So I converted it to a toddler crib and he still didn't want to sleep in it acted like, I mean, it's like, Was there a trauma I missed or something? Acting like he was freaking terrified of it. I am gonna send you a picture of him sleeping on the couch because it's really cute. Okay. We moved the nugget next to the couch and like Corey put extra pillows down so that if he fell off of it, if he rolled off, it would just be a soft landing.

Shanna

Smart. Where even is he in this picture?

Laura

Can you see his little head at the top of the couch? Oh my God, he's so tiny on this big couch. I know. I keep forgetting he's so little, you know, because they get big and you think they're big and then you put them on this couch and he looks like this tiny little baby. Oh my god. But, um, yeah, I mean, that's basically our check-in this week is that we're fucking tired. I don't know what to do. Like every night it's been either the couch or the nugget he wants to sleep on. And we're kind of just letting him do that because I don't really know what else. to do. It's not like you can force a child to stay in a bed, especially once you've taken away the crib railing. It's been a real pain in the ass.

Shanna

Does he come and get you in the middle of the night when he wakes up now that he has free walk about or is he still crying for you? How's that going down?

Laura

He cries for us. So we actually have a toddler door handle on the inside of his door. Both he and Augie have that in their rooms. And we did that because we don't have childproofing on the stairs, like proper childproofing on the stairs. So that's the childproofing, right? They can't get out of their rooms. Right. So yeah, he can't get out of the door, but he usually doesn't even try to get to the door. He usually just sits up wherever he's, you know, been sleeping and starts screaming. Yeah. So of course, I'm sure you can imagine what I've resorted to to try to get him back to sleep in the middle of the night.

Shanna

I'm giving him popsicles and ice cream.

Laura

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Boo boo time. Boo boo time. We're doing a lot of middle of the night boo boo time. And I've also tried bringing him into our bed because I'm just like, I don't know what to do. The bringing him into our bed and letting him be latched for like four straight hours definitely works. But it does not allow me to sleep very well. So I just feel like we're back to square one with this kid. Like. Oh man. If you recall, we had like a whole special crossover episode with the Milk Minute people where they like helped me fix this problem like four months ago. And now we're back.

Shanna

I think you're gonna have to replay that episode, Laura.

Laura

I'm gonna have to listen to my own episode, yeah. You are. Yeah. And I will say that the hangover from the trial that I talked about last week is definitely affecting my ability to be firm about this, too. You know how I talked about, like, oh, I just want to keep my babies close and stuff. So it's definitely like after being in a A trial with like all kinds of disturbing imagery and all kinds of like scary stuff going on. I'm definitely not resolved in my like, I'm going to let my two year old cry it out in his room situation. So I know it's a bit of a me problem too.

Shanna

But yeah, it's a lot of work to hold a boundary with a child who wants otherwise. You know, I come up against that constantly.

Laura

A strong-willed one, yeah.

Shanna

Yes. And it's just like, sometimes I have the mental fortitude to do that, and sometimes I just don't. And if you don't, you don't. You'll be ready when you're ready.

Laura

Yeah. Yeah. For now, I'm just... Really tired. And on that note, I'm just going to pass the baton to you because I'm afraid that if I try to talk too much, I'm just going to become an incoherent babbling mess. And you deserve the mic so that you can tell us what's been going on with you this week.

Shanna

Luckily, this has been a smooth sailing week. Things have been fine. The first thing of note this week is that I had in-person team building experiences three days this week, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. As you know, I'm a remote worker for my company. as is my whole team. So I work from home all the time. But then occasionally, the team would be like, let's get together. And we went to a conference one day. And the next two days, we met up in the office and did all these team building activities and stuff. And they were long days for me, like actual work days. I was there for like nine to five. And it's a commute down for me and back. So I bought work. pants from Target the day before, so I can look nice at this conference. I felt like a legit employee. Because honestly, I usually don't sitting around my house in whatever wet pants I have on doing my work.

Laura

Why would you? I mean, why would you put on uncomfortable pants just to work remotely?

Shanna

Oh, my gosh. The thought of wearing those Target pants that I bought to wear to the conference at my house.

It's the most hilarious thing in the world to me. Like I would just never do it.

Laura

They'll probably never actually be worn again. You should like do that one day just to see how the girls react. Like put on like a business outfit and then be like, I'm just working from home. I just felt like being businessy and like just get their faces on camera.

Shanna

They would be so confused. Oh, it totally stood out on Tuesday morning when I got all ready and in that outfit and everything. Elle did a double take in the bathroom. She's like, whoa, you look so nice. I'm usually like this haggard, frazzled mess taking him to school in the morning. I was looking fresh. So the thing that just really stood out to me is, wow, distance really does make the heart grow fonder. It was nice to have adult time and not be around the house all day and not see them so much. But by the end of the day and especially by the end of the third day, I was so excited to see them. Like I really wanted to go home and see them and spend time with them and cuddle and stuff. And sometimes when you're just around it so much, you know, you're just like, ah, I need a little space. But it really made me appreciate them.

And what it really made me appreciate is having this job that's remote and that I can spend so much time with them, right? Like I'm just like so, so, so grateful for that. And I forget about that. And I really just do value the time I get with them.

Laura

You know, our friend Heather, our shared friend Heather, back when I was trying to decide whether to put Sebastian in daycare, she was like, do it, do it full time. She's like, my kid is in like, he goes from like 8am to 5pm. We joke that he has a more full time job than me and my husband. And she's like, but the thing I like will always remember is she said to me, she said, it's a nice feeling to miss your kids. And I was like, oh, yeah, because like at the time it was like pandemic. And I, you know, I had a lot of feelings towards my kids, but I did not miss them. They were around a lot. I think Augie was still in school part time too. And so yeah, that's stuck with me. And I think it's true.

Shanna

Yeah. Yeah. And my girls are in school and stuff is still, you know, like a two o'clock pickup. I'm still with them a good portion of the afternoons and to, you know, to not see them until six PM and like, you know, miss dinner even because they eat early dinner. It's just like, oh, wow, I really miss you. So it's a different, different experience for sure. The other thing that happened this week, and I can't even believe it because time is just something I don't understand, apparently. Um, I'll just finished first grade. She's just done with that.

Laura

No, no, that's no, you have it wrong. That can't be right. She's still a baby. I know, I know.

Shanna

It was so sweet. Steve reported that when he picked her up on her last day, her and her friends, her little girlfriends came out. like arm in arm sobbing. They were so sad that the school year was ending and that they were saying goodbye to each other and goodbye to their beloved teacher.

Laura

And it was so sweet. Oh, that's rough. But she's going to be at the same school next year, right? Oh yeah, definitely. Okay.

Shanna

These kids aren't going anywhere. But yeah.

Laura

I do remember how the summer lasted so long when you were a little kid. I mean, it's so funny because for me, I'm now like three months. Three months is nothing. I know it goes so fast. I can barely remember what happened in the last three months, but as a kid, it just seemed like it stretched forever.

Shanna

It felt so long, and it was longer when we were kids. I mean, we got a full three months. Now it's like two and a week maybe, like two months a week.

Laura

It's a lot shorter. And also it's just such a bigger proportion of your life, you know? When you've been alive seven years, three months is a long time in proportion to the rest of your life.

Shanna

Yes. Oh man, when we're 90, the summer's gonna fly by.

Laura

Okay, but is she gonna see her friends over the summer? Do you have a lot of summer plans for Elle?

Shanna

She's got some summer camps lined up. She's gonna do the YMCA camp at her school. She's gonna do musical theater camp a couple times. Her first show is gonna be Annie. They're gonna do Annie, and then they're gonna do Grease.

Laura

Wow, those are fun shows. That's going to be great.

Shanna

I know. I know. I'm really excited. So the summer has officially begun in our house. CeCe's last day of preschool is next week and it's all summer all the time.

Laura

You know what's interesting is Augie's preschool only does like two weeks off for the summer.

Shanna

Yeah, a lot of preschools are year round. Our previous one was and I liked that about it. This one is more, I don't know, it's more formal in its like school calendar.

Laura

Well, okay. I mean, so you're into summer with the kids.

Shanna

Yes.

Laura

Somehow I feel like that's not going to lend itself to missing your children quite as much.

Shanna

No, no, they'll be around quite a lot. So just have to go into work a little bit more often.

Laura

Get those pants ready.

Shanna

Yes. That's it for me. Shall we move on to our special segment?

Laura

Yeah, let's do it.

Okay, we are back and our special segment this week is Check in the Inbox. Again, you knew it was coming because, well, you listened to the intro and also you probably listened to last week when we answered a bunch of our listener questions that were so good and we had too many of them to put into just one episode. So here we are again, answering questions. Shanna, let's get straight to it. Here is the first question. Okay, this one's from Sophia. Sophia asks, how do you feel about social media as parents and what are your plans for managing it with kids?

Shanna

Uh, raise them so that they don't know whatever exists. Is that, is that appropriate choice? Oh, I am scared of social media for my kids. Truly. One of the games that Elle plays on her pad right now, I didn't realize has like, um, a chat aspect to it with other users. I didn't vet the game enough. This is totally my fault. But the other night in bed, we were lying there and she was like, there was a user on this game that told me that I'm a bad kid. I was like, what? She's like, yeah, it really hurt my feelings. And I was like, Oh no, this is not going to happen. I was so mad like that she was already subjected to like, you know, rudeness, criticism, etc on some kind of social platform. So I went into the game and made sure that all the chatting features were turned off. She's not allowed to friend anybody, chat with anybody, etc. So I just think it can be so toxic and I'm so scared.

But I also know that I love social media. For me personally, I love connecting with people. I love seeing what people are up to. To a certain degree, I like sharing my own stuff. I'm not as much of a big sharer as I used to be. So I like it and I think it can really connect people, but I do think it can be toxic. So I wanna find a way to find the right balance. And just raise my girls with enough confidence to know when, like, bullshit's coming their way and to, like, shut it down and tell me about it or, you know, just overcome it.

Laura

Yeah.

Shanna

What about you, Laura?

Laura

Yeah. I mean, I'm kind of kicking this can down the road because my kids are still so little that it's not so much of an issue, but it's definitely on the back of my mind, you know, like, One thing I will say that like as a parent with my kids like one thing obviously like we made a conscious decision not to use their real names on the podcast. And that's actually something I've been kind of maintaining even on my like private Facebook and stuff. Just making a habit of not using their names when I don't have to, you know, like if I post something and someone uses their name on like my private Facebook, I don't like delete it or anything. But I do delete it on my public Instagram, even though it's not my like my podcast Instagram. I will say one cool feature I discovered because of the podcast on Instagram is that you can like filter comments out based on like keywords.

So like I have the kids real names as like a filtered key like a filtered comment keyword in the Instagram setting. So if anyone actually uses their name in a comment, it just doesn't get displayed. I have that on our, you know, my personal Instagram and also the podcast one. That's such a cool feature. It's super cool. And so like, I feel like there's a lot of people who might do the same, you know, they might not want their kid's name around. And we all know there's well-meaning relatives. You just don't know, right? That like you don't use your kid's name on social media. So that's something you can do. But yeah, I mean, I go back and forth. I listen to that like Joe Piazza mom fluencer podcast under the influence. I don't know if you've listened to that. It was really interesting. It's like a podcast about mom influencers.

And, and, you know, obviously that's like a whole different realm. But it did make me think about how like what I posted about them and how like I need to make sure that it's nothing that they would be upset about in the future. And hopefully, well, I mean, but who knows, like they could be upset about anything. So I think I've really scaled back my posting about the kids. Like you've probably noticed, I like barely post pictures of the kids anymore. But yeah, I I'm nervous about how to deal with social media and them when they get older. But I'm also not thinking too much about it because I know that the landscape changes so fast, so quickly that like if I'm learning about like Facebook for them right now, they're not going to use Facebook. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's tick tock and get banned by the time they're old enough to use it, you know.

So I'm just sort of keeping it in the back of my mind. But I I believe that it's sort of similar to, you know, sex ed or drugs and alcohol where it's like it's going to be around and you can't just like have abstinence culture around it. You have to like address it head on and acknowledge that your kids are going to be surrounded by it. And as such, like find a way to teach them about it, right? That's, that's realistic. So yeah, but definitely nervous about that for sure.

Shanna

Yeah, definitely. And I would love to hear from listeners with older children who are on social media or aren't. How you're handling that situation because we need some advice for down the road. Yes, we absolutely do. All right. Next question is from Katie. Oh, this is a juicy one. Uh-oh. All it says is Janet Lansbury versus Dr. Becky. Who's your fave?

Laura

Oh, shit. Oh, shit, they're in the ring. Can you imagine the two of them actually fighting? That would be the nicest conversation ever. It would. Oh, Janet, how are you? Oh, Becky, it's so nice to see you again. Let's agree to disagree. OK, I honor your feelings. Bye-bye.

Shanna

You really want to punch me in the face right now.

Laura

Okay, let's see. I don't think there's a clear answer to this. I will say I think Janet Lansbury for under three and Dr. Becky for over three in my experience. I think it also kind of depends on like whether I'm in the mood for sort of a quicker soundbite or like a reading a lot longer article. I feel like Janet Lansbury's blog has just like a lot of really good longer form pieces and Dr. Becky has really good like quick advice on her Instagram and stuff. So true.

Shanna

Although she does have her book good inside out and she has a podcast. So there is longer content out there from Dr. Becky.

Laura

True. I have just not consumed it because I don't have time.

Shanna

Give me the sound bite.

Laura

Yeah. But how about you, Shanna? Where do you fall on the Janet to Becky spectrum?

Shanna

Oh, it's tough. Janet has coached me through the baby years with my girls. Like she's my girl. Like she was there for me. She taught me everything I believe in my philosophy of raising my kids. So there's just such a fondness in my heart for her. And she is not as present as I can tell on social media with those little sound bites and stuff. So sometimes I forget about her and her advice and I see more of Dr. Becky coming up and some of the other ones, Dr. Siggy is another one out there that I really like. So there's so many. And I've learned a ton from both of them about different things. But I think because I have such a fondness in my heart for Janet being there for me and like I consumed both of her books like a couple times when my girls were young. I think I have to go with Janet on this one.

Laura

All right. All right. Lines have been drawn in the sand. And the truth is we love them both and we truly and we think they're both really good resources. So there's no reason to pick the beauty. It's we don't have to pick. Yes, exactly. And also, I think they like agree with each other on like 99% of things. So yeah. Okay. Here's the next question from Annika. Would either of you ever move from LA or is LA a forever home for you both? Shanna.

Shanna

Ooh, that's a good question. There was a time where Steve and I were definitely like, where can we move other than Los Angeles? I was definitely craving, getting out of the big city, going somewhere more affordable. Um, maybe even like a bit of a smaller town feel, something a little more naturey. And still my heart is like pulled in that direction, but I couldn't then and still can't figure out where that would be. And so we never did leave. Obviously we're still here. And now that we're really planting our roots with our house and the girls and their school and, you know, their sports and their community, I don't know. I definitely don't see us leaving anytime soon at all. What about you?

Laura

Yeah, you really scared me there for a while where you were like, maybe Austin, maybe. And I was like, why are you leaving me?

Well, this is an interesting question because like three weeks ago, I would have been like, no, never. LA is our place. But Corey has been like planting a bug in my ear about moving to Portland. Like he keeps sending me listings in Portland. What? Yeah. I think it's because, you know, our mortgage is stupid high like everything is expensive here and it used to be we had to be here because this is where TV writers rooms were right and now TV production is like become more remote like writers rooms are mostly remote now. And so he's like we could move anywhere. But we know TV writers who are doing it, who live elsewhere. My friend Sarah lives outside of Philadelphia and has been working on shows this whole time, obviously not right now, because there's a writer strike going on. So anyway, he's made me think about it. I'm not quite there yet. First of all, I don't want to sell the house.

I don't want to move. I feel like I like it here. I just don't want to move. But also I am afraid that if we do move this like promise of remote work is going to evaporate, you know, and he's then going to end up being like away for months, you know, like, right. You know, like coming back on weekends and stuff. I don't want that for our lives. Like I don't want him to be the dad who comes back on weekends. So I'm holding firm. I'd like LA to be the forever place I've always I mean up until like two weeks ago I'm like no of course not we would never be leaving like this is where this is where everything is um but yeah I mean I guess never say never you never know where life is going to take you that's true that's true yeah well if you guys moved to Portland we'll just move there too so no no worries good plan

Shanna

Until then, let's answer the next question. This next message is from a listener who emailed us. The message says, Hi, Laura and Shanna. I'm wondering if you had any tips on coping with little to no support as a parent. A little backstory. My husband is a medical resident working 12 to 14 hour shifts a day plus an entire week on call 24 seven once a month. We have a very active 19 month old boy and I'm back to work full time. My family lives 30 minutes away and my in-laws live three hours away. My mom is not in great health and I often feel guilty asking her for help. Neither my family or my in-laws offer to come over and watch her son or help in any other way. It's so frustrating and I don't know how to handle this. My husband will be starting to study for his big royal college exam soon, which means all of his time will be spent studying. I need a village I can rely on.

Please help me feel less alone." Signed a burned-out mama.

Laura

That is very hard. That's a hard situation to be in. And we really wanted to give this burned-out mama a proper answer. But when we were talking about it, Shanna, I think we both realized that our responses to this are really just theoretical ones, because we haven't lived through this situation, right? We have supportive husbands who are not studying for medical exams and our family does help where they can. Because of that, we wanted to reach out and find someone who could give a little bit more advice from lived experience. I reached out to Breanne from the Root and Rise podcast because she has an episode that's all about this. She is a military wife and she has gone through a very similar situation. We asked Breanne if she would send us a voice memo to answer your question. And we've got that queued up. So shall we listen?

Speaker 1

Yes. Dear Burnt Out Mama, I'm Breanne, host of the Root and Rise podcast. And the reason you're hearing my voice right now on Big Fat Positive is because I am a military spouse, mom of two, and unfortunately, all too familiar with the concept of parenting without a village. Laura sent me your message and I jumped at the chance to offer my solidarity and support, which is why I'm recording this in my car and not my studio at the moment. I wanted to let you know that you are absolutely not alone in your situation or your feelings surrounding it. Of course you are feeling overwhelmed. Of course you are feeling burnt out. Anyone in your position, including me, would feel that way. And I have, many times, you are not excluded from that totally human experience. You're right. You do need a village to rely on.

We were meant to have a village, a community for us and our children to learn from and lean on. a community to offer support and lighten the load a little bit for you. We were never meant to do this alone. So let's build you a village. Let's get creative with it because we're not in a position to rely on the traditional structure of a village. My first tip is to seek out others who are parenting with very little to no support. There is a lot of potential there for both of you to prioritize and benefit from supporting one another. Plus, you get a chance to discuss these very real challenges with people who just get it, and that alone can feel so relieving. Seek out others who are partners of medical residents, doctors, military, or first responders just like I am.

You can do this by joining local Facebook mom groups, using apps to meet mom friends in your area, or you can just show up at spaces where other mothers might be, like library storytime or toddler time at a trampoline park. Sparking up a conversation might feel really intimidating and scary, especially if you're not an extrovert. But it might give you the opportunity to expand your support network. And speaking of support, let's build some into your life. How can you find a regularly scheduled break to care for yourself? And if you can't find it, how can you build it into your life? It doesn't matter whether it's half of a day or just a couple of hours. Having it scheduled and regular means that you don't have to ask for help or desperately wonder when your next moment to yourself will be. Because I've been there too many times.

And this is where your support network comes in handy, because your partner might not be able to offer you as much support as you need or deserve, but that certainly doesn't mean that you shouldn't have it in your life. If you're anything like me and you're really not great at asking for help, it might be helpful to change the narrative and be somebody else's village. Put some of your energy into helping other mothers, whether that's online or in real life. I do have more practical tips to offer you on my podcast from shortcuts to making your load a little lighter to ways that you and your child can connect with your partner while they are busy, all while managing any feelings of resentment or frustration that come up along the way. Feel free to reach out to me. I am always available to help out another burnt-out mama. And thank you to Shanna and Laura for sharing your space.

As a longtime listener, it is such an honor to be on your podcast chatting with you.

Laura

Oh my gosh. Okay, first of all, Breanne, your voice is so soothing. Like, I think we just need to listen to it to calm ourselves down.

Shanna

I truly feel more relaxed just listening to you, give that advice. That was wonderful.

Laura

And the episode that she was referring to from her podcast is from March 1st, 2022, and it's titled 18 Effective Solo Parenting Tips to Really Help You Survive. And again, her podcast is called Root and Rise. I definitely recommend going to listen to that because there's a bunch of actionable tips in there. But yeah, thank you so much for that advice. And hopefully that helps out a bit burnt out mama. And just knowing you're not alone, hopefully helps.

Shanna

Yes. And burnout mama, we know that's so hard. We're thinking of you and we really hope you can find your village soon and get some relief.

Laura

Yes. Okay. So I think I need to go take a deep breath myself and then come back with the last few questions. What do you think? Sounds good.

OK, we are back and we have a few more questions. Oh, Shanna, this is an interesting one. I really want to hear your thoughts on it. OK. OK. What are your thoughts on parents leaving kids, let's say four years of age and up, at a birthday party and coming back at the end? Would you want to stay at a kids party the whole time? Would you expect other parents to stay at your kids parties?

Shanna

Oh, hell, yes. Especially at age four. I'm like, I can't supervise that many kids. Uh, I think once they get a little bit older, that's gonna become the norm. I mean, I remember going to kids' birthday parties without my parents. Maybe like six years old, you know, it was a drop-off, like wave, see a lighter kid situation. And, um, that's kind of the dream, right? Like, three babysittings. Elle's friend has a party and I'm like, bye. But also we are parenting in an age of a little bit more cautiousness. I don't know. I feel nervous about that, like especially if it were a swimming party or something, I would feel super nervous. Yeah, no way. Yeah. So it depends on the party, depends on how well I know the parents, how big the party is and the age of the child. But I'm open to it. I'm not open to parents dropping kids off at my party unless it's a small party and the kids are older.

Laura

Yeah, I mean, I think it would have to be very clearly stated that this is a drop-off party because that's a big assumption to be made, right? Yeah. And yeah, I mean, four way too young, in my opinion. Like, there's no way I could handle more than a handful of four-year-olds at once. And like, also, if you are the party host, you have to do all this shit. You got to get the cake. You got to get the balloons. You got to get the pinata. You got to do all this stuff. You're not watching all these kids, you know? Yeah. So I'm actually kind of amazed that It even happens. I will also say I think I'm a bit of an outlier on this, but I love going to kids birthday parties. I do too. I think it's fun. I like connecting with the other parents and talking to them and finding out who they are and what they do and having a chance to actually meet other parents. I like it.

So I don't want to drop off and leave my kids. Maybe when they're like 10 or something, I'll feel different. But for now, yeah, no, that's not that's not happening anytime soon. I'd be curious what our listeners think. Like maybe it's a regional thing, too, because in LA, I don't even think people do that in LA. Drop off parties. Yeah, do they? I mean, for like, definitely not for under 10, do you think?

Shanna

I don't know. I think it probably starts around six or seven, depending on how well families know each other. Yeah, I've seen mention of that in some of my mom's groups on Facebook. Interesting. Interesting. All right. All right. Yeah. Okay. Final question. This is a good one. What is something you're most proud of yourself for? And you get to go first on this one. And I'm glad about that because I'm having a hard time thinking of an answer.

Laura

Yeah, there's okay. I'm having a hard time thinking of an answer and this is going to sound very self confident because I feel like there's a lot of options. Not because I've done so many amazing things in my life, but like, you know, I feel like I've done some good things and I'm trying to figure out where something sort of rises to the top. Honestly, this is my vein response, but I'm super proud of what I went on Wheel of Fortune.

Shanna

Well, hell yeah, cause you won and like took home the bank.

Laura

Yeah. And it wasn't just luck. Like I studied, I built myself like a web app to study. I like scraped the internet to like discover the pattern of like most common letters that the producers were picking. Like I had a method and then ironically, my final answer, like my final puzzle was foolproof method. And like, I just went into it with a very systematic approach, and then I performed very well, and sure, some of it was luck, but I did a pretty flawless job on that show. So I do feel very proud of that. I got us a trip to Maui. I got myself my car that I'm still driving.

Shanna

Amazing.

Laura

So I mean, that is a very vain answer.

I feel like I should be saying like, I'm so proud of like the boys that I'm raising to be sensitive humans. But it's like, no, I want a car and a trip to Hawaii on TV once.

Shanna

It's not vain. It's honest. And that is exciting. Yeah. How many people that go on Wheel of Fortune do you think do any preparation whatsoever? I mean, probably 1%. I mean, you went above and beyond. That is something to be proud of.

Laura

Thank you. I do feel proud of it, and I'm going to own it. And since I don't have a more profound answer to give you right now, I'm going to pass. the question back to you and see if you have something that's a bit more meaningful than going on a TV game show.

Shanna

I wish the time I went on a TV game show I lost miserably to a consolation prize. So I can't say that.

Laura

I've been there too, my friend. I have been there too. So I know that feeling.

Shanna

Well, this question is a doozy for me because thinking about it is bringing up a lot of like weirdness that I'm just like, I don't know, I'm not proud of anything. I don't know why like I don't value my accomplishments more. I don't know, maybe I'll have to get into that with my therapist. But I would say one thing I'm really proud of is this podcast and that we have kept it going for five years now. Yeah. And that I've been able to be vulnerable on this podcast is probably the thing I'm proud of because that's not easy for me. Like I've always been kind of like a stoic person. Like I don't get emotional. I don't show people like what's really going on underneath the surface and stuff. And I remember that first time when I was like talking about my fertility struggles and all of that. We tried a couple times to record that episode. And I was just like, I can't do it.

I just can't do this, Laura. And when we finally did do it, like my voice was shaking. I'm like, why am I sharing any of this information? And, you know, and then it went out there. And I saw and I saw that it hadn't effect on people. And I was getting messages back that it was helpful and stuff. And I was just like, oh. Wow, that was kind of cool to do something hard and to have it have some kind of impact. So I'm proud of that. And I tried to take a lesson from that experience and bring it into more of like the storytelling and sharing that I do on the show to just really try to be honest and truthful even about the hard stuff so that others don't feel so alone out there in this journey. So yeah, I think maybe that's something I feel proud of.

Laura

as you should as you should and i do yeah it's been really interesting to watch i remember talking to you about this and trying to decide what to talk about and what we felt comfortable with sharing at the very beginning i remember i casually like said in an episode something about ivf and you're like um like we're not we're not talking about that yet and i was like okay i'll cut that out and And it took you a while to get to the point where you felt like you could talk about it. But then every single time without fail that you talk about something vulnerable and open and honest, the feedback we've gotten is just amazing. And it just goes to show that people really wanna hear from you about that sort of stuff. So yeah, I'm proud of you too. Thank you.

Shanna

But now I need all your secrets of how to win Wheel of Fortune. So then that could be the thing I'm proud of too, okay?

Laura

I've been trying to tell you to get on Wheel of Fortune forever. You need to audition.

Shanna

Okay. Maybe that'll be one of my resolutions for this year to try to get on Wheel of Fortune.

Laura

Yeah. Okay. I'll coach you.

Shanna

Okay. Thanks. All right. Should we move on to our BFPs and BFNs? I think we should.

We wrap up every episode with our weekly BFPs or BFFans. Laura, you're up first. What do you got for us? I have a BFP. Oh, OK. What is it?

Laura

OK. My BFP is toddler trash truck mania.

Is that a new TV show on Netflix? No, it was the name I made up in my mind for an event that happened last weekend, which was called officially the City of Los Angeles Sanitation Department Open House.

Cool. So I had heard tales of this event from moms who had older kids that pre-pandemic, the Los Angeles sanitation department would have events where they like opened up their lots. to everyone to show off all the like trash trucks and stuff. And I remember it was like mid-pandemic when my friend Eva told me about it and I was like, oh my god, Augie would lose his fucking mind if that was still a thing and then thinking it would never happen again. But my friend, it started happening again. And they had an event near us. So I packed up the kids right after swim class into the car. And it was kind of like a thing, because they had just gone to swim class. They were all wet. They didn't really want to get back in the car and do more things. And I was like, no, we are going to a parking lot with a ton of trash trucks. It's going to be so fun. And we got there.

And Shanna, it was so cool for the kids. Yeah. Augie and Sebastian. I was worried that Augie maybe like got a little too old. You know, he's no longer truck obsessed like he used to be. Oh, Sebastian is still Sebastian is like deep into trash trucks. Like he loves a trash truck. But both of them were so into it. And it was so cool because they had like all these different types of trash trucks parked around that the kids could like go and get behind the wheel of and like fun. pull the levers and actually control. I sent you a couple pictures of the boys sitting behind the wheel of a trash truck.

Shanna

Okay, I've got to see this. They are so cute sitting in the driver's seat. That wheel is huge. It's like the same distance across as Sebastian's wingspan, I think.

Laura

Basically. And I'm sending you a couple more pictures. There was like face painting. They were like giveaways of little trash-tuck toys. They were giving away Tommy's hamburgers and french fries for free. Yeah, it was like a whole thing. It was so busy. It was toddler mania. Like the children were so excited.

I sent you some pictures of the face painting amongst the trash trucks. It was like everything was like around a bunch of parked trash trucks of various types.

Shanna

Sebastian's just sitting on a parking lot with trash trucks with a rainbow on his forehead. That's hilarious.

Laura

But I have to tell you the highlight of the morning was what I dubbed the studio back lot tour of the trash truck land. VIP. Okay. If you've ever been to Universal Studios, you know that they have the tram ride, which is like the studio back lot tour where they take you around the back lot and show you all the scenes of like where they've shot different movies and there's all this like cool stuff that you can see, right? The LA city sanitation apartment version of it was that they had a rotating set of actual trash trucks that were just like going around in a circle, around the lot, two miles an hour basically, where you could go and sit in the front seat with the trash truck driver and take a tour and see all of the parked trash trucks. I'm talking like hundreds of trash trucks and learn about all the different types of trash trucks.

There were like crane trucks, there were grapple trucks. Shanna, I have never seen a two and a four year old more patient and wrapped than I've seen. The last two pictures I sent you are from that studio back lot tour. And you can just see the focus.

Shanna

Okay. Oh, they are in the zone. They are so laser focused on what's going on outside of that windshield.

Laura

Yes, they were. And like they've also never been in like the front seat of a moving vehicle.

Shanna

So they were just like to highlight.

Laura

Yeah. So highly recommend if you are in the area or maybe your area does these two. I know there's like more going on. They did six of them all around like the greater Los Angeles area. But yeah, it was a real winner. And I remember Corey was like, what are we going to? I was like, trust me, trust me, this is going to be great. Um, and it was.

Shanna

I just feel like that falls under the category of never have I ever, parenting additions. Like never have I ever gone to a trash truck event on a weekend.

Laura

And been like legitimately excited about it. Like I was like, it's trash truck day.

Shanna

Oh, I remember during the pandemic watching the trash trucks on Trash Day as if it were a parade going by our house. I mean, the girls would run outside, sit on the stoop, watch them. It was a huge thing. So yeah, trash trucks really capture the imagination of our youth.

Laura

They really do. So anyway, that was my BFP, Shanna. I love it. Do you have a BFP or a BFN?

Shanna

I have a BFP. Oh, good. We had another fun weekend out of town for a softball tournament. This was in Laverne, which is like maybe an hour, hour and a half outside of LA. But because it was so far, we decided to stay overnight and get a hotel. And the hotel is really what's the BFP here, right? Yes. Yes. As soon as the girls learned we were going to a hotel, they lost their minds. I cannot wait. It's just a best Western. I mean, there's nothing super fancy out there, but I made sure we got one with a pool. And the icing on the cake is that Elle's softball buddy and her family also stayed there. So it was just, yeah. It was pool party bonanza. Like who even cares about softball? We had so much fun swimming. The pool was freezing cold, so I refused to go in it. Uh, CECE had her floaty and elk and swim now.

So I'm just like on the lounge chair, you know, right by the pool, they're swimming around. Um, it was just, it's so fun. I don't know. Just a fun opportunity to get out of town, get out of my house, do something different, order pizza, eat it by the pool, you know, just, it was a blast. Oh, and my bonus BFP for this weekend of the tournament is a new sunscreen that I discovered that works awesome on CECE because. She hates sunscreen, of course, and puts up way more fight than Elle does about this kind of thing. So I discovered a sunscreen that's like a powder. You know, it's just like the powder is in the little tube and like you turn it and all the powder comes out of the little brush that's attached to the tube and it's a mineral sunscreen. It's called Bob Kids Brush On Mineral Powder Sunscreen. It's SPF 30, so it's not amazing.

Obviously, it's brush on, so like it doesn't work for the pool or anything. But like when we're out at the tournaments, I just like brush it on her face, on her arms, on her neck, on her ears, like every hour or something. She loves the feeling of a brush on her face. So it's like super easy to just like dust her off with it and get some sunscreen on her without having like a fight about it. So yeah.

Laura

And it's better than nothing, right? Yes. Which is what you end up with if you try the other stuff.

Shanna

Yeah, exactly. So that's my little bonus BFP. But overall, it was just a really fun family weekend and we got some pool time and some softball time and I'm happy mama.

Laura

Awesome.

Shanna

Yeah.

Laura

How did you guys deal with the sleeping arrangements in the hotel room?

Shanna

We got a room with a king bed and we bought two little air beds to bring with us to just put them on the floor. But when we got there, we realized there was a pullout couch like a queen size bed. So they went to sleep in that. We went to sleep in the king bed and there was sleeping problems. I mean, you know, one kid got up and got daddy and then one kid got me and in the morning it ended up that like I was in the pullout bed, whatever.

Laura

Yeah. That'll happen.

Shanna

Yeah. So the, you know, sleeping arrangements are never great, but it was still fun. Awesome. And that's it for me and for our show. But do you have a five-star review to read?

Laura

You know I do. All right. This is from Mama Bear Natalie from Apple Podcast in the US. Natalie says, my favorite podcast to nurse to five stars. This is my favorite podcast to listen to while I breastfeed my baby. Now when I hear the theme music, I get a let down. Ah, yes. I enjoy the honest and relatable conversation about motherhood and life raising little humans. I look forward to Mondays. Thanks, Shanna and Laura. Oh, Natalie. I mean, that could be good, right? If you ever are like out and about and needing to pump and you're having trouble, just listen to the podcast. Yes.

Shanna

Just don't listen to it in the middle of a work meeting when you have a thin shirt on, right? Yes, yes, yes. Aw, Natalie, thank you so much for taking the time to leave that awesome review. And listeners, if you haven't had a chance yet, could you please do us a favor and head on over to Apple Podcasts, leave us those five stars, say a few things you love about this show, and we might read it on an upcoming episode. And if you have any comments or feedback on this week's episode, drop us a note. Laura, where can everyone reach us?

Laura

And if you want to join the coolest group of people on the internet, just search Big Fat Positive Community on Facebook. It's a private group, so you have to request to join and make sure you answer those two membership questions so we know you're not a robot. And once you do that, you'll be sent straight through to all the wonderful, amazing, insightful conversations we're having in there.

Shanna

Our show's produced by Laura Birek, Shanna Micko, and Steve Yager. Thanks for listening, everyone. Bye. Bye.

Finding Your Mom Village – Ep. 261

July 3, 2023

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Finding Your Mom Village – Ep. 261

July 3, 2023

Listen Now:

Show Notes:

Episode Gallery

This episode's sponsors:

Whisker Litter-Robot

Once Upon a Dance

Tags

Episode Transcript