Unsolicited Advice and Toddler Parent Preference – Ep. 134
January 25, 2021
Listen Now:
In the segment “Checkin’ the Inbox,” Laura and Shanna answer listener questions about everything from dealing with unsolicited advice from family members to whether Laura will be going for a VBAC or planned C-section. Also, Laura talks about expressing and collecting colostrum in advance of giving birth, and Shanna reports on her daughter’s two-year sleep regression. Finally, they reveal their BFPs and BFNs for the week. Shanna’s toddler is 2 years old, and Laura’s toddler is 23 months old. Laura is 33 weeks pregnant.
This episode’s show notes – https://bigfatpositivepodcast.com/ep-134/ | Get social – Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/bfppodcast/ | Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/groups/bigfatpositivepodcast/ | Email – [email protected] | Our mom-tested ultimate baby registry list – https://bigfatpositivepodcast.com/registry/
Show Notes:
- Doodle Pro Drawing Pad* Shanna's girls love using this mess-free drawing pad.
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Episode Transcript
Shanna
Hi, welcome to Big Fat Positive with Shanna and Laura. On this week's episode, we have our weekly check-ins. We have our special segment, Check in the Inbox, where we answer listener questions on everything from breastfeeding to parent preference to VBACs and more. Then we wrap it up with our weekly BFPs and BFNs. Let's get to it. Hi, welcome to episode 134. Hey, Laura. Hey, Shanna. How are you guys doing and how old is everyone over there? Well, I'm 38 years old. OK, that's what we needed to know.
Laura
Yeah, so OK, so let's start with my toddler. He's 23 months and three weeks. So close. So close. But I have to say that we're going to get a fourth week out of this 23rd month. So just out of the luck of the calendar, this is one of those months where I get to have a 23 month old for an extra week.
Shanna
Oh, lucky, lucky.
Laura
Yeah, yeah. But he's so close to being two, my sweet little guy. You know, things are good over here. I just have a couple really cute things that he's said this week that I want to talk about. So we're getting ready to invite this new baby into the world. I'm 33 weeks pregnant and I'm going to talk about that in a little bit. But so we've been obviously talking about the baby a lot and trying to get him prepared to be a big brother and all that stuff. And it's really, I think, starting to hit him in a way. And one thing this week that happened was I think he finally truly registered that he felt the baby kick for the first time. We were having a little cuddle and I was like, oh, do you want to feel baby brother kicking? So I put his hand on my tummy.
And usually what happens is like, I'll ask him, you want to feel baby brother kicking and he'll say, yeah, and I'll put his little hand on my belly, but then he takes it off immediately. But this time I kind of like held it long enough and I could tell he was getting a little impatient. But then the baby had a huge kick and he like looked at me with his wide eyes. And so he definitely like registered it. So now he's coming up to me all the time and saying, baby brother kicking, baby brother kicking. And he wants to like hug my belly and stuff. It's so sweet. That's so cute. And then another thing he said that really cracked me up. And what kind of impressed me, I have to say, is that, you know, a couple of days prior, we had talked about We were kind of talking about childbirth and stuff.
And so I was telling him about his birth and I said, you know, the doctor opened up my belly and took you out. Like he, you know, he cut up my belly and took you out. And that's how you came into the world. And isn't it so great? We were talking about that, right? And I said, I don't know if baby brother is going to come that way or another way. And I told him this because he had asked to see baby brother. So I was trying to explain to him how you can see baby brother. But then a couple days later, we're just sitting around and he looks to me. He says, Dr. Open Mama Belly, take me out. Oh, what? Oh my God. Or actually, I should say I shouldn't say me out because he doesn't use me. Dr. Open Mama Belly, take baby out.
Shanna
What? Oh my God.
Laura
First of all, that's like a seven word sentence.
Shanna
Yeah, this kid is skipping kindergarten. OK. Wow.
Laura
And like you also like he was obviously thinking about it because we were not doing anything related, right? And I was just like, yep. He actually said the dot. I didn't say the name in here because I, you know, I don't want to out what my doctor's name is. But he said my doctor's name. He said Dr. Smith Open Mama Belly. So I was like,
Shanna
I was just like that's amazing. Oh, yeah, he's processing.
Laura
He has not repeated it. But yeah, he's processing. And then the final thing that he's doing, which is clearly processing, I think, is that now every time I pick him up, which my doctor doesn't want me to do too much of, but it still happens because life, I'll pick him up out of his high chair or out of his crib. And the first thing he says to me is, wipe a little baby and want me to hold him like a little baby. And so he wants me to cradle him like a little baby. I actually have it on audio. Do you want to hear it?
Shanna
Yeah.
Laura
Couldn't you like a little baby?
Shanna
Oh my god, that's adorable. Yeah, it's so sweet. We should have their little voices on this podcast more because it is so cute.
Laura
Yeah, it's so cute. It just melts my heart. And of course, I can't say no anytime he's like, like a little baby. I'm like, okay. That's very sweet. Oh, it's so sweet. So those are all things that you can tell he's expecting this little baby to come soon. So it's all positive so far. Knock on wood. There's no like negativity that I've noticed yet. So hopefully, you know, obviously it's not going to be smooth sailing all the way. I just started reading siblings without rivalry. So I'm like, I know there's going to be challenges. But as of right now, he just seems excited.
Shanna
So yeah.
Laura
And then speaking of the pregnancy, this week I just wanted to talk about, I wanted to do a little bit of a update on collecting my colostrum. Do you remember we talked about this?
Shanna
Yes, you said that you were going to look into it because you're producing colostrum now instead of breast milk, right? That's right.
Laura
So for people who aren't familiar, colostrum is like this like kind of thick, yellowish, it's like pre-milk. I don't know. You start producing it. Some people start producing it around 20 weeks, which is when I started producing it. But it's like the thing that you have before your breast milk comes in and it's like apparently super nutrient dense and full of antibodies and who knows what, right?
Shanna
Yeah. And the babies drink that the first few days of their life.
Laura
Yes. Yes. And it's apparently extremely nutritious. They only need a few milliliters of it at any given time. So I had been interested in collecting it. And actually, I put out a question like I wasn't sure what to do with it or whether I could donate it or something because I'm obviously producing it now. And I don't have to express it, but it seems like it could be useful. And actually someone in our Facebook group wrote in and said that she started collecting her colostrum in small syringes and she brought it to the hospital with her. And it actually ended up being like super useful because she had to sort of have a emergency C-section at like 36 weeks or something like that. And they were able to use the colostrum to feed the baby while she was still in the operating room. And so the baby didn't need to be supplemented with formula or anything during that time.
So I thought, OK, I should definitely start doing that. So I ordered a bunch of one milliliter sterile syringes. And I've started just every other day, maybe not even that much, but just squeezing some out. and saving it. So now I've got a good little stash going. And yeah, I don't know. Some people say also you should like give it to them after their two months shots. I don't know. But now I have a freezer full of these little one milliliter syringes full of colostrum.
Shanna
What do you put it in before you put it in the syringe? You express into a cup?
Laura
I express it into like one of those little, I don't know, like custard cups, I guess, like little Pyrex custard cups. Which comes straight out of the dishwasher, so I guess they're sterile. I don't know. I mean, I'm not too worried about it. And then I freeze it right away, so hopefully it's not gonna be very contaminated. But yeah, that's the best I could figure out because it's too hard to. I think that if I had Cory involved, we could pull it straight from the syringe because you really get drops at a time. I can imagine a world where he's standing by at my nipple ready to suck it out.
Shanna
Suck it right out.
Laura
But for now those little custard cups.
The best solution yeah, yeah, but yeah, so I'm doing that and we'll see if it ends up being useful or not, but they're there. Yeah, good to have. Yeah, so that's it for me this week, Shanna. How about you? How are you guys doing? What's going on in your world? We are okay.
Shanna
I'm gonna start with the cute stuff first because I know last week I was all like, oh, I'm a frazzled mess.
So the cute stuff is that Cece is really getting into drawing and getting better at it quickly. It's really cute. For Christmas, the girls got one of those magnetic drawing boards
Laura
Oh yeah, the Doodle Pros or whatever.
Shanna
The Doodle Pro. Yeah, it's so great. They can draw with this little magnetic pen on the board and then erase it and do it again and again. And so that's really cute. The other day, I was noticing that CECE and L were playing together with this Doodle Pad and all on their own accord, they were playing some kind of like artist and model game. Elle was like, OK, CECE, I'm going to sit here and you look at my face. Look at my face. And I want you to draw my face.
Laura
That's so sophisticated.
Shanna
It's so sophisticated. I have no clue where she got this. But it was quite an advanced game. And I was just observing because I was like, what is going to happen?
And Sisi took the pen in her little hand and looked at Elle and then drew as best she could. She drew a circle and she drew two dots for eyes inside the circle and a little dot for a nose. Like she drew a face. I was like, what? And then she immediately erased it like as if she were a... A bothered artist that just didn't do her best work or something like that. Not good enough. Not good enough. So I'm very impressed with how, you know, and how interested she is in it. I'll catch her sitting there and drawing on it all the time, just doodling. She'll be trying to trace her foot. And a lot of that stuff is because she's mimicking Elle, right? She sees her big sister do some of that stuff though. And so when she has a turn with the board, she is doing similar things. But that game was so funny. So next it was Elle's turn and she was like, OK, CECE, now sit there. Now show me your head.
Show me your face. Now don't move. Don't move. I need to get the image of your face in my mind. What? She drew her face. And I was like, let me see your arm. Don't move your arm. And Cece was playing along and being still. But then, you know, I could tell she was getting like irritated and impatient and would try to move. And so, yeah, their little artist and model game is very adorable. That is amazing.
Laura
My guy is not there.
Shanna
Yeah, well, he's busy speaking seven word sentences.
Laura
Well, you know, that's also just it's just such a good example of how kids develop skills at different rates and like at different times, you know.
Shanna
Yeah.
Laura
I have no doubt that eventually he'll be able to draw a circle with two eyes and a mouth, you know, but he is nowhere near that at the moment. Not even. I mean, he scribbles and then maybe we'll do like a straight line. And then he's like, I'm bored of this. Let me find something to climb up.
Shanna
Yeah, a lot of it does have to do with interest, too. He's not interested, he's not practicing much, and for some reason, that's something that Cici's really into.
Laura
That's so cool. Well, you did a lot of painting and stuff for a while, right? You have a real artistic streak, if I recall.
Shanna
Yeah, I do. I really like painting. I don't do it much anymore. And when I was younger, I drew a lot. You know, I love drawing little cartoon characters and, you know, bubble letters. And I was always doodling and drawing. And, you know, she's got some artistic family members. My mother-in-law was mentioning some family members that were artists and my grandpa was a painter, my mom paints. So there might be a little art talent trickling down to the girls. That's very cool. Yeah, that is super cool. Do you want to hear what's not so super cool?
Laura
All right, all right.
Shanna
I know. But I have to talk about it because I think it's very important to just acknowledge the truth of the two-year-old sleep regression.
It's hit us so hard. Everything about her being too has hit us hard. I mentioned last week, you know, and things just ramped up this week and it is really revealing itself in her sleep. She used to be pretty good sleeper. I know she was waking up early, but she would go down for naps and bedtime easy. I was like, Steve, the one good thing about her is that she was easy to put down to bed. He's like, the one good thing about our daughter was that she could go to, and I was like, oh yeah, you're right. I misspoke. But it's definitely top 10. Definitely, definitely. So it's been very tricky. And you know her, she screams like a tear. Oh my God, that's back and just fighting it and fighting it. She's skipping naps and putting her down to bed. She just does not want us to leave and crying and screaming. And it's exhausting. Bedtime is taking like an hour plus now.
Laura
Oh no, that must be really, really hard for you guys more than anything. So do you think it's just that it's this two year sleep regression and there's nothing to be done about it? Or have you applied the Shanna Micko? I'm going to solve this. Have you put that hat on? What's going on?
Shanna
Well, at first it was happening for several days and I didn't know what was going on at all. I just figured she was teething or tired. I just did not know. And then I was like, oh, I wonder if there's a two-year sleep regression. And when I had some extra time, I googled it and it is just everywhere. It's like the sleep experts are like, there are sleep regressions at what, what, four months, six months, bubble months, and the final one at two years old. And I'm like, oh, we've always been textbook with the sleep regressions with her. And here we are again. And the definition of the sleep regression, you know, some people don't call it a regression. They call it a learning or progression as like as Janet Lansbury calls it. But I'm just going to call it a sleep regression. It includes fighting naps, bedtime resistance, night wakings, and early morning wake ups.
And we have all of those right now. Check, check, check, check. Check, check, check, check. And of course, I'm like skimming the article. I'm like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But what do we do?
Laura
What do we do about this and the advice? I don't care about what it is. Just tell me how we fix it.
Shanna
Tell me how to fix it. It's the advice socks. It's like, make sure their naps are from one to two hours and that they're awake by 2.30 to three and keep your routine consistent, you know, all that stuff that we already do. And I'm like, oh my God. So none of that was helpful. So then I was like my trusted source, Janet Lansbury, what does she say about sleep regressions? And I Googled it and came up with a really, really interesting article. It was like a transcript of one of her podcasts with a sleep expert named Lisa Sunbury. And she's a sleep expert coming from the perspective of the Rai Method. So I'm like, OK, here we go. And a lot of it was about accepting that this is how things are now, but allowing them to have those emotions. So you've got to talk to them about it. This routine is not working for us anymore. Here's what I'm going to do now. We have a new plan.
I'm going to put you down. I am going to leave. And you're allowed to have the big feelings about this. You can cry. You can do what you need to do. But this is the way we're doing it now. I have not tried this yet. I am scared to death to try this.
Laura
So what are you doing? Are you just going in and checking on her when she screams or what? Well, she comes out of the room immediately.
That's right.
Shanna
Yeah, so that's making it so much harder. I put her down. She's finally calm. I lay her down. And then she's like, yeah. And I try to leave. I'm like, okay, good night. You know, have a good evening. I'll see you in the morning and leave. And she just runs out after me just over and over. And you know, and it landsberry thing is if that happens, try to have an emotionless response. Just kind of keep it cool and just walk them back to their bed just over and over and over. No more hugs, no more kisses, no more comfort. It's like you've got to let them know that this is the routine now. And a big part of it is letting them know that they're safe, right? Because if we keep giving in to their fears and their worries about us leaving, We're reinforcing this idea that they're not okay and they're not safe and that they need us and that we're the ones that can provide the comfort.
That makes sense. Okay. Yeah. And it's not true, right? Their room is a really safe and cozy place. It's where they've been resting their whole life. And it continues to be that way, even if they're in a period of having some fears and resistance about it.
Laura
Well, that makes sense. So you're going to try this, what, next week in the report bag?
Shanna
Yes. I definitely have to try it. I'm also remembering back to Elle's sleep regressions, which were much less dramatic, but they passed, right? So I'm trying to not get too wound up and angry about like, oh my God, so much trouble with sleeping and just let it pass. And then the other interesting thing they were saying is that you remember how I mentioned like, I don't want to put a gate, like a baby gate in her doorway. Now that I've introduced the idea of the freedom. And they were saying it's kind of the opposite because when they have so much freedom and they're so young, it's overwhelming. And that is kind of scary to them. It's like, I have all the freedom in the world. What do I do? Whereas I might be able to create a safer place and a more comforting place if I put that barrier. And she knows that her room is her own safe little haven.
So I might, at least for one night or one nap, try that and see what happens.
Laura
Yeah, and I feel like that I forgot about that, but that is one of the sort of basic tenets of rise that they get scared by having too much power or too much freedom in that way. That's what the whole yes space is. You have your confined safe space that is safe and comfortable, but you don't have the run of the whole house because that's too much power. So that's interesting. Well, I'm very interested to hear how this goes.
Shanna
Me too. And then just the last thing I'll say about the gate is one of the things they say is people are like, oh, I'm trapping my kid. You know, it's inhumane. And you know, I have those inclinations too, but they're like, they're not trapped. They have voices. They can call for you. If they need help, they call for you and you go and help them. And it's like, oh yeah, yeah, that is how it works. So I will report back on whatever I do to try to tackle this sleep regression in the Shanna Micko way.
Laura
In the Shanna Micko way, we are all waiting with bated breath to find out how it goes.
Shanna
All right, I'll report back. Should we move on to our special segment? Yeah, let's do it.
Laura
And we're back. So our special segment this week is check in the inbox. We've gotten so many amazing questions from y'all through Instagram, our email, Facebook, everything. And so we are going to go through and try to answer what we can and hopefully help you guys out. We're not the be all end all of parenting advice, right? Shot out. Yes, we are. Well, we try to be helpful. And so hopefully this is a helpful and fun segment. I always love checking the inbox. I think it's very fun.
Shanna
Me too. I love it.
Laura
Yeah. So, Shanna, shall we just get right to it? Can you hit us with our very first question?
Shanna
Absolutely. This is from Rebecca. She says, I was wondering if you guys have any insight or advice about toddler having parent preference? It's been really hard for me that my 18 month old always seems to prefer her dad. It makes me feel like I'm failing or doing something very wrong, just looking for some similar experiences, advice, or opinions. Laura, do you have any thoughts on this?
Laura
Well, yeah. I mean, I don't know if I have an answer, but for us in our household right now, there is definitely somewhat of a strong preference that my toddler has for me.
And I think that's what you hear about a little bit more often because especially, I don't know, you just hear mommy, right? Mommy, when you fall down and hurt yourself, the typical refrain is like, mama, right? I feel like, so that's very much the case in our house. The way it manifests for the most part is that when, Corey and I alternate days, to take care of our toddler so we can both get work done right now. And when it's Cory's day to get him up from his nap, he goes into the room and he's like, hi, baby, it's Daddy. And the minute my toddler hears that it's Daddy, not Mommy, he will like throw himself down on the crib. Oh, no. Just crying. I mean, he's had like full. He'll either have like a version of a tantrum. It's anywhere from just being slightly disappointed to like full on tantrum or like really hurt crying like fat tears. It's sad. I don't know.
I don't really know what to do about it. I, you know, we we give Corey so much one on one time with him and it really evens out during the day. Like, Oh, that's good. Yeah. So it's not so much that he can't spend alone time without it being a problem, but there's definitely a preference. And I hear a lot of mama coming, mama coming when I'm getting ready in the morning and stuff. Oh, that's cute. But yeah, I mean, I think I don't know if I had anything to say about it. I feel like it's just try to have as much one-on-one time and maybe don't project. I feel like sometimes we can project our feelings onto them more than we think and maybe, you know, it hurts us if they don't want to be with us as much. So, you know, I think it's important to look at how you're approaching it. just in case you're maybe feeding into it more. Janet Lansbury talks about this a lot.
I think there's got to be an unruffled episode about this, right? So anyway, that's what's going on in my house. Shanna, what about you?
Shanna
Oh, well, you know the opposite.
Which often seems to be the case with our kiddos CECE's in a huge daddy phase right now. She's just such a daddy's girl. Yeah, it's really cute Most of the time Rebecca I totally understand where you're coming from because it can be really hard sometimes when I feel like I'm being rejected by this tiny little person You know, I try to give her comfort when she falls or I try to put her to bed for a nap. And she's just like, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy. And she just wants him. I feel like she thinks he's more comforting than I am. And so I really start to doubt myself. And I'm like, oh my God, I don't know how to comfort my daughter. And it's been that way on and off since she was really small, right? Daddy always had a way with holding her and putting her to sleep. And it was easier for me to just be like, OK, you do it. She's really comforted by you.
So that has definitely been a little challenging for me. One thing I would say is to trust that it is a phase and it will pass. You know, it's not like this is her every single day. She goes through mommy phases too. Just when I think I'm at the end of my rope like, oh my gosh, she doesn't even love me. She'll have a day where she just wants to cling to me and hug me. And it's, I get to kiss all her boo-boos and I get to put her to bed. And that's nice. It was similar with Elle too. So I've been through it before and I have a bit of trust that it's okay. I can just let her have those moments in those days and we'll all move on from it very soon.
Laura
Yeah. And I have to say that I've experienced that already too where, you know, it's usually like him wanting mama, but then if he gets like a bonk in my presence, you know, on my watch, it suddenly turns into daddy, daddy. You know, it's like, oh yeah. Okay. You see how it goes. All right. Yeah. Oh my goodness.
Shanna
Well, that's a great question. Thank you, Rebecca. Laura, what do we have up next?
Laura
All right, next we have a voice memo from Cat. So I'm going to play that and then we'll see what we have to say.
Speaker 1
Hi, Sean and Laura. I was just wondering how you deal with unsolicited advice from family members. Our cousin's been over in our hometown over the Christmas period and she's staying at my parents, so we've seen her a lot. And she just won't stop giving us advice as to how to parent our baby. And she'll even give orders to other people concerning how to be with our baby. For example, her husband wanted to hold our baby.
And she was like, oh, you should put her down, otherwise she'll get spoiled. And it's just been things like this the whole holiday. So I wonder how you've dealt with unsolicited advice. Do you have these kind of family members and what do you do about it? Thank you so much. Love the show and happy new year.
Shanna
Thank you, thanks, Kat, for sending that in. That is a great question and that sounds like a really hard situation that you are in. Family members can really be pushy. I will say I'm fortunate that I have never had a family member be as pushy as your cousin sounds. I do get unsolicited advice and opinions from some family members and the way I deal with it is internally roll my eyes and... complain to my husband later about it. I am just, I'm too passive. I don't know. I have a hard time directly addressing people with this kind of thing. And that's what I do. Another thing I might passively do is like set out my favorite parenting books like, oh, I I really love this book by Janet Lansbury and, you know, maybe encourage all the family to read it and flip through it.
I'm sure your cousin doesn't want to read an entire book on her Christmas vacation, but, you know, it's short chapters and to kind of get a bit of where you're coming from with your parenting and your perspective. I don't know whether or not that family member would do that because she sounds a little bit pushy. I don't know, Laura, what do you think? Have you ever experienced something like this?
Laura
Yeah, I mean, I think I have the sort of queen of all unsolicited advice givers, which is my mother and, you know, bless her. I love her. And she has a lot of good information in her head. She's a pediatrician, so she knows so much about children's health specifically. So like when it comes to unsolicited advice about how often to breastfeed and, you know, whether the kid's gaining enough weight, that stuff I'm all good with. But she's not super up to date. and like rye parenting or anything. And so we do get into little bits of conflict there. So I've actually asked my toddler and me teacher about this because, you know, I was kind of at a loss. And the question she had to like respond, she was like, well, how much is she there? Like, are we talking like, is she a primary caregiver or is this just a short visit?
And if it's just a short visit, you basically do what you do shot and you like, just let it go because they're not there long enough to really make an impact. The real impact is happening with the daily interactions, with the primary caregivers. If it's a more of a primary caregiver, like your mother-in-law takes care of the kid twice a week, then you have to get on the same page and that's going to be hard conversations. It sounds like cat for you, it's a brief thing. And then what you could, this is what I would say, is that in this scenario where your cousin told your in-laws that they couldn't hold the baby. You could not address the cousin directly and become bad of about it, but you could model the behavior you want at another time or privately with your in-laws and say like,
You know, my cousin, she's well-meaning, but we don't really think you can spoil a baby if you're welcome to hold the baby any time, that sort of thing. So sort of go around the source. So that would be what I'd say.
Shanna
Yeah, I like that. I like that.
Laura
Yeah. I mean, and that's fully cribbed from my toddler and me teacher. I didn't come up with that on my own.
Shanna
Still, it's good advice.
Laura
Good luck, though. Good luck, cat. That stuff drives me up the wall. So, yeah, I can totally understand how it's frustrating for you. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So we have another question from Ashley. Ooh, this is a big, good one. Okay. Ashley asks, how has your own childhood informed how you raise your kids? Any similarities or differences? Shanna. Wow.
Shanna
Hmm. It has definitely influenced how I parent. I think that's a little bit unavoidable, whether or not you go in a similar direction or a different direction. I would say I'm going in a similar direction. I've mentioned before that my mom was always very in tune with being respectful to us as children, even when we were very small, right? And this was before, you know, the rye parenting in Janet Lansbury came about. There was something intuitive that she felt that it was important to treat us just kindly, like kind, gentle parenting, you know? And so that really stuck with me. She always would tell me that when I was older, like, you got to respect your kids. They're individuals, they are who they are, and you got to love them for who they are, even if they're different, right? Like, I was very different from my mom. She was a shy person. I was a very loud person, more like Elle, right?
Talkative, outgoing. And so that was sometimes hard for her. Like if we would go out in public and I would make a scene or just be loud talking to people. And it was her inclination to kind of, you know, not be in the spotlight. So the fact that she allowed me to be myself and never restricted who I was is influencing my parenting immensely. Elle is more like me, right? With that kind of personality, but even still, I just really allow her to be who she is and respect that that's her personality. And sometimes she needs to talk straight from 6 a.m. till lunchtime and not take a break. And that's okay. I just go with the flow. And Cece, I don't know yet. She might be a little bit more different, but I'm going to let her be who she is too. And I feel like that's all coming directly from my childhood. What about you, Laura? Where do you stand on this?
Laura
Yeah. I mean, I think hearing you talk about that makes me realize my mom and dad really treated us the same way, you know, really gave us a lot of respect and, you know, we were, like you said, we were just, we were treated as full human beings and it really like made us feel secure and happy and we had very secure attachments. And so, That's definitely something that I would like to carry forward. I think for me, the two main differences I'm sort of aiming for is I definitely, whether it was because of how I was raised by my parents or just the culture at the time, I was definitely raised to sort of ignore my feelings or sorry, ignore my bad, like negative feelings, right? I was definitely taught to sort of suck it up, you know, big girls don't cry. And I don't think that was necessarily coming straight from my parents. It was just in the zeitgeist, right?
I also in high school, middle school and high school, it was very like the cool girl thing where you were like, Girls don't cry or complain. They hang out with all the boys and don't have any feelings. Stuff like that was very in. And so it took a lot of deprogramming for me to realize that it's okay to cry. It's okay to have so-called negative feelings because feelings are all valid. So I'm working really hard to make sure that's clear with my son and my next son, you know with my kids that it's okay to have those feelings. We don't have to hide them. So that's one thing I'm working on. And then the other thing is I'm really trying to work on the growth mindset stuff.
Rather than the praise because again growing up in the 80s and 90s was all about like getting your ribbons and your trophies and you know I was a smart kid I got lots of A's and did really well on tests and so I got a lot of praise just for sort of phoning it in a lot of ways. Yeah I know what you mean. Yeah, so I'm really working hard on not just saying, good job to everything, right? So I'm sort of hoping to work with the growth mindset instead of the fixed mindset.
Shanna
Is that what it is? Fixed mindset. Yes, I'm doing that too, and I find myself saying a lot. You worked really hard on that. I love how you persisted on learning to pogo or whatever it is that they're in. Proving their skills like really trying to put some emphasis on that it's not that I don't praise them at all But yeah also working in the fact that I value their effort
Laura
Yeah. And you know, I've noticed I've gotten better at it too. It takes a lot of practice is just why it's so good to start when they're infants because you get used to it. But I've noticed now, you know, if my toddler is struggling with something, he and then he gets it instead of saying, good job. If I say, you did it, he lights up just like he would if you praise him. Oh, yeah. You did it. You figured out how to snap that thing onto that toy. And it was frustrating, but you kept at it. You can see it fills him with pride. It's not diminishing it. He doesn't feel like I'm keeping something from him for being not saying, good job.
Shanna
Exactly.
Laura
Yeah.
Shanna
That was a great question, Ashley. Thank you so much. We have another one from Cecilia. This is a good one, too. I want to know if you're still going to reach out to some celebrity moms and dads for an interview. And specifically, are you going to reach out to Paul Rudd for an interview? I would love to. Oh my god, I'm in love with him.
Laura
Yeah, Paul Rudd. Oh my God, what a just spectacular human being. I would die to talk to him on the phone.
Shanna
I know.
Laura
If anyone has connections to Paul, let us know. I'm not sure he's the most relevant person for a podcast, but I think we would probably still get a lot of listens.
Shanna
We would make do.
Laura
Laura, we would make do. And also, I want to ask him how he hasn't aged since the 90s. I know. It's really miraculous. I love him. But to actually answer the question, we want to. We've kind of chickened out, I think. I think I have a whole letter drafted to Amy Schumer and never sent it.
Shanna
Oh, you do? I didn't even know that. Girl, let's do that. Let's send that out.
Laura
I know. I'm such a... I think what happened was COVID happened, and then I was... I get nervous. I don't know. I guess there's nothing to me. Oh, yeah. Nothing to be nervous about we did interview Emily Oster who I consider a celebrity mom yes yes she is she's fantastic all right well we will see and we will definitely keep everyone updated on that one yes thank you for that question Cecilia thank you for reminding me about my drafts folder.
Shanna
Yes. All right. We have another one. This is from Hailey. Laura, did your little boy breastfeed to sleep? If so, did he grow out of it? I can't get my little one off the boob.
Laura
Oh, man. This is such a common question, common problem. Here's the thing. I got to put problem in air quotes because I actually don't think it's a problem. And you'll hear from so many people that if your baby breastfeeds to sleep, that they'll never be a good sleeper. They'll never be an independent sleeper. You're gonna be stuck co-sleeping till they're 10 or whatever, right? Yeah. And I'm here to tell you that my baby, when he was up to almost six months old, breastfed to sleep every single night. every single night. We used to call it boobing him to sleep if you recall. Yes. And he didn't grow out of it. I had to sort of actively wean him off of it and I used the taking care of babies method. I talk about it in episode 55 when I start the sleep training and I think it's all, I'm sure I talked about it when it's all wrapped up in that episode. So there's a couple things you can do.
You can either like try to keep the lights on. I think that's what I did. I like kept the lights really bright. And if he started to nod off, I would stop. A lot of people will like they'll wake their baby back up before they put them back in the crib. I think I used to do that with L. I remember that now. So for me, it was just like a combination of bright lights and like stopping before he was fully asleep and also not making the last thing in the routine. So it was like nurse, then change into jammies or something like that. Now I can't remember the exact order. Or then read books. Exactly, exactly. So yes, he grew out of it in that I stopped it from happening. And there are ways I highly recommend taking care of babies because she does talk, you know, directly to this and how to do it.
with various situations but and sleep training worked super well and he's still a great sleeper like it's it didn't ruin him for his sleep so you know knock on what I hate talking about what a good sleeper he is but he really is I mean it really didn't didn't affect his sleep long term so good luck with that Hayley I know it's hard and it's also so easy and so cozy and so nice but yeah yeah Okay, Shanna, the next question is for you. Okay. It's from Danielle. She says, I'm about to have my second. And Shanna, what were some things that were harder than expected about adjusting to two? And what were some things that were easier about going from one to two?
Shanna
Great question. Well, one thing that was easier was knowing what the hell I was doing, just having been through it before, right? It's like, yes, at the very beginning, all of the night feedings are so hard. And when you're in that fog, you can kind of be like, what do I do? How do I fix this? And I just remembered back to how we did it last time and, you know, Oh, Steve took a middle of the night feeding. I just pumped a bottle and he did it and like let's just jump right into that because that works for me. And so the routines that you've established the first time around come in really handy the second time around. And another thing is having so much stuff already on hand for your baby. You just have The diapers, the wipes, just so many things that are already there, and you can just jump right into taking care of your baby instead of, oh my God, I forgot this, let me go on Amazon.
There was still a lot of Amazon purchases, don't get me wrong. But you knew what you needed. Yeah, I knew what I needed.
Laura
And you had the infrastructure. That's how I was looking at it. Like I have the bouncer, I have the peck and play, I have the this, I have the that. Like, yeah, okay. That's good. You're encouraging me.
Shanna
Good, yes. I hope so. As for the things that were harder, I would definitely say having a three-year-old or almost three-year-old while having a newborn that takes so much time. It's like when I was pregnant, I could still devote so much time to L and kind of mentally get her ready for the big change, but it's just all so different. Like once the change happens, I kind of forget in a way how tired I am and how much I have to breastfeed and how much I won't be able to spend time with another little child. And I was recovering from a C-section. So it's just so much. And I felt like I was ignoring her a lot. And that is a hard thing. For a while, I felt like our relationship was getting distant. And that was a struggle because I had such an amazing connection to her before. It's gotten better. It's come back. So don't worry about that. You worry about that in the moment. At least I did.
You know, Steve took over every bedtime, every bath time, every caretaking thing I used to do with her, which is really a time of connection. And, you know, I felt sad about that. So that was an unexpected struggle for me. But like I said, it's not forever. You recover from your C-section. You recover from your childbirth. The baby gets older and it comes back. So that's the good news.
Laura
Can I ask a question? Since I'm about to face this, did you have any books that you would recommend or resources for how to prepare the older kid for the younger kid or how to prepare yourself for the sibling dynamics?
Shanna
I don't think I read any books specifically for parents, but we got just tons of expecting the baby books for Elle. And you're going to be a big sister. And just trying to get her mind wrapped around the fact that a new baby is going to be coming in and disrupting her routine and schedule, you know, stuff like that. So other than that, Laura, I just winged it and I'm really sorry that I don't have a specific resource for you. Shucks.
You'll be fine. It'll all be good. And Danielle, you'll be just fine too, even if it's a little bit of a struggle in the beginning. All right, we have a question for you, Laura. This is from... Actually, a couple people asked this. Kristin and Laura both asked if there are any updates on whether you're going to go for a V-back. And I want to know too.
Laura
Yeah, so I am 33 weeks, as I talked about in the beginning of this episode, and you know, for full term it's 40 weeks, but my doctor really doesn't want me to go past 39 weeks. And I think that there's a lot of controversy about whether that's right or not. But I'm trusting my doctor on this, and we're probably not going to go past 39 weeks. So the current plan is we're going to schedule a C-section for 39 weeks on the dot. And if I happen to go into labor before that, and everything looks good, I'm not going to immediately rush into a C-section. So last time, because my baby was breech. If I had gone into labor before my scheduled C-section, they would have rushed me into a C-section, right? Because they weren't gonna let me labor and risk having complications with a breech birth. this time the baby's head is down as of right now.
So if I do go into spontaneous labor before my scheduled c-section, we will sort of play it by ear, but the idea is to try unless something's going wrong, right? Like sort of treat it like a regular birth, right? And then there's sort of gray area of like if I show up on the day of my c-section and I'm like, a little dilated and the babies head down and low. We'll have a discussion about whether I will have some kind of gentle induction or something. Yeah, that is the update on the possible V-back. So it's sort of a, I would say a lazy approach to whether or not I'm having a V-back.
Shanna
Yeah, but it's within the realm of possibility.
Laura
Yes, it is not ruled out at all. So it remains to be seen. And I promise we'll talk about it on the show one way or another. Yeah. Okay, sounds good. All right, Shanna. We actually have a ton more questions. So I think we're going to do a bonus episode with all the extra questions we have that we really want to answer, but we just don't have time for. So we'll do that. We'll get that out as soon as possible. But for now, we're going to close with the most important question of all. OK, I am. Are you ready? This is from Deb. OK. Deb is dying to know, what is your preferred caffeinated beverage? Red Bull is for me.
Shanna
You know, I think this is a very important question, especially as a parent. Oh my gosh, I am very into my caffeine. Let's see. What I drink on a daily basis is different from what my absolute favorite is. So I just make coffee every day. It's good. But if I had my choice, I would get a cold brew coffee over ice. I love ice drinks more than anything. And it has to be over my favorite nugget ice, right? The little crunchy ice so I can crunch it down all the way to the very bottom with some half and half. But I love cold brew coffee. That's where it's at for me.
Laura
Well, now that you have your own little Opal ice maker, you don't have to go to the coffee bean for that anymore, right? Yeah. Now I just need a cold brew coffee maker. Ooh. Too bad Christmas just happened. Yeah, your birthday, maybe.
Shanna
Put it on my birthday wish list. All right. What about you? What's your favorite caffeinated beverage?
Laura
God, Deb, it's like you're asking me to choose what my favorite child is. It's so hard. I'm such a mood dependent person. with this. And it's hard, too, because I'm really limiting my caffeine intake right now because it gives me terrible heartburn. So I am kind of promiscuous with my caffeinated beverages. I'm a coffee person. I'm a tea person. I'm a latte person. I like it hot. I like it cold. I don't do the Red Bulls and the Monster Energy drinks and stuff like, I haven't done that in a long time. College was all about energy drinks. But for now, You know, every day right now as a pregnant person, I will have like the teeniest, tiniest little cup of drip coffee that Corey makes every morning with like equal parts coffee and milk to try to like make it so it doesn't hurt my heartburn. And then I'll drink. tea, I like a good Earl Grey. I like a good green mint tea.
So yeah, I'm sort of all over the place with that. But if I'm going to Starbucks, I think my go-to would be like a grande iced latte with whole milk.
Shanna
Okay, lattes are good. Just sort of simple. Yeah, keep it simple. Well, when you mentioned tea, that reminds me that my second favorite, absolutely love tropical passion iced tea. Oh my God. And if that's on the nugget ice, ooh, baby, that's like my favorite summertime drink for sure. Does that have caffeine in it? I guess it depends on the brand. It's black tea.
Laura
It's a black tea, okay.
Shanna
And if it doesn't have caffeine in it, fuck it.
Laura
Oh. Well, thank you for asking the hard-hitting question, Deb.
Shanna
Yes, thank you so much. And I think that's it for our check in the inbox segment. We will put out a bonus episode with more questions because we got so many good ones. But for now, should we take a break and come back with our BFPs and BFNs? Yes, I think we should. OK.
We are back and we're gonna wrap things up with our weekly big fat positives and big fat negatives. Laura, what do you have for us? I have a BFP.
Okay.
Laura
Which is something I can't believe I haven't talked about on the show yet. And my BFP is our nightly dinner gratitude routine.
Shanna
Oh, that sounds nice.
Laura
Yeah, so it's something that I picked up from the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. She interviewed this guy who has a whole book about like five minute things you can do to increase your happiness. And I don't remember his name or which episode, and I apologize people. I am pregnant and foggy. So you just searched for it. But I heard it a couple of months ago. And what he said was that, you know, a lot of people do best and worst or highs and lows with their dinner, you know, like asking everyone in the family, like, what's the one good thing and one bad thing that happened to you today? Right?
Shanna
Yes, I've heard that kind of gratitude circle.
Laura
So this is a sort of extension of that or variation on it, but it's a little more focused on gratitude than just sort of like going through goods and bads of the day. So it's three questions. The three questions are, what's one thing you learned today? Who helped you today? And who did you help? Aw, that's sweet. And, you know, when we started it a couple months ago, you know, I answer or Corey and I answer for my toddler, but we always have him go first and we're like, hey baby, you know, what did you learn today? And then we'll say, I think you learned how to say the word pomegranate or whatever, you know. And then we go through who helped you and it allows you to talk about the day. You can say like, oh, you know, who helped you? Daddy really helped you when you bonked your head and you were sad about it. and that sort of thing, right?
And it's just a really positive way to have some structure to your dinner time conversation. But one thing that I've really liked about it is that now my toddler, because he's getting a lot more verbal, he starts like chiming in. He doesn't have answers yet, not real answers. But because we've done it enough, one of the things we'll say is like, You know if it's Corey's day to watch him and I've been working I'll come in and be like who helped you today and he'll kind of now host or go um and then you know usually what I'd say is that you know I think daddy helped you all day by making sure you were safe and this is right mm-hmm and so now he's saying I'll say like so baby who helped you today and he would go he'll go gamma sherry helped all All day. Well, you know, Grandma Sherry wasn't here today, but that's really sweet, like, you know, but he's definitely starting to figure it out.
And so I think it's not going to be long before he actually might have some basic answers to it. And so it really spurs a little bit of conversation and it gives an anchor. And it makes it not all about. I feel like it's really easy to talk all about the kids too, you know.
Shanna
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Laura
So it allows everyone to have a turn. And yeah, I just love it. So what you learned, who helped you and who you helped. That's it.
Shanna
That's so sweet. I love that ritual. Maybe I'll start doing that in our house.
Laura
Yeah, you should. It's actually really fun. That is my BFP. How about you? Do you have a BFP or a BFN?
Shanna
I have a BFP also. Okay. So last year for Christmas, my mother-in-law got me and Steve a gas fireplace kit because we have a fireplace. We actually have three fireplaces in our house, which is ridiculous. But the one in Southern California is like, okay. We have one in our main living room, and it's just a regular fireplace, but I am not into having regular fires. I have allergies. I don't like smoke. Even those Durilog, like the fake logs, you know, just kind of fills the house with smoke and I'm not into it.
Laura
Well, and we have a lot of restrictions about when you can and can't have a wood-burning fire.
Shanna
Yes.
Laura
I don't know if you know that.
Shanna
I kind of knew that. Okay, no, I didn't know that, but that's fine because I was never burning them anyway because I don't like them.
Laura
Yeah, but it's not like a thing you can do all the time because if the air quality is bad, it's restricted.
Shanna
Not allowed. Right. Which is a good thing. I agree with this. Yes. So anyway, I was really excited to get this gas fireplace. We had one in our last apartment and I loved it so much. And we got scared of installing it. And like Steve was nervous about working with the gas and we got a quote for someone to come and install it. And it was like 800 bucks and we just dropped the ball on it. So it sat unused for a year. Well, Steve has become quite handy during the quarantine. He's done a lot of handy work around the house, and he has improved his confidence in this stuff. And he's like, I can install that. And I was like, really? He's like, yep, no problem. And he like cut bricks with a saw and like- Whoa. Yeah, because we had to like- He had to raise the hearth up and he just put it in and it is wonderful. It just is such a great atmosphere in the living room.
It was, you know, set up for Christmas. We had our Christmas tree and our fake fire. And it was not fake. It's a real fire. Oh, that's true. It is fire. Yeah, exactly. I'm thinking of what we had in there before, which was like an electric light that like fake logs that look like.
Anyway, so that's really cool and I love it. But what's also really sweet is that in the mornings me and the girls come out and we put on the fire and sit in the kind of dark room and they have their milk and I have my coffee and it's kind of a quiet time together. It's really sweet. And this morning, Elle didn't wake up until a little bit later, so it was just me and CeCe. And she got her little drawing pad, that Doodle Pro, and she was sitting on my lap, and the two of us were sitting by the fire just alone in the quiet and doodling on this little pad together. And it was such a sweet moment. And I don't know, I really love how the fire is just bringing a lot of warmth to the home in a lot of different ways.
Laura
Oh man, I'd love to have a fireplace, even though it's not that necessary. We have a fire pit now, a gas fire pit out back.
Shanna
Oh cool, I love fire pits, that's great.
Laura
Yeah, we need to use it more often, but we've used it a couple times and my toddler actually really likes it. He's like really mesmerized by it, so. Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Sounds so cozy.
Shanna
It is. It's really, really cozy. So that is definitely my BFP for the week. Amazing.
Laura
All right. Well, that was a very fun episode.
Shanna
Yes, it was. I loved it. Let's wrap things up. If you have any other questions for us, we want to hear your burning questions. Laura, where can they reach us?
Laura
We're on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook at BFP Podcast. We have a website, bigfatpositivepodcast.com, and you can send us an email to contact at bigfatpositivepodcast.com. Throw a voice memo in there if you want. They're awesome, and we love getting them. And finally, you can join our Facebook community group. It's a private group, so just search Big Fat Positive Community. Answer the two membership questions so we know you're not a robot, and one of us will send you right through to the amazing, wonderful community we have going on in there.
Shanna
If you love our show, please rate and review us wherever you listen. If you haven't done so already, and let your friends know about Big Fat Positive. Our show is produced by Laura Birek, Shanna Micko, and Steve Yager. Thank you so much for listening, everyone. Bye. Bye.