Beauty Standards – Ep. 427

Shanna

Hi, welcome to Big Fat Positive with Shanna and Laura. On this week's episode, we have our weekly check-ins. We have our special segment, They Said What?, where we talk about some surprising sweetness and some beauty standard bummers, and we wrap it up with our weekly BFPs and BFNs. Let's get started. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to episode 427. Hi, Laura. Hi, Shanna. Howdy. What are you doing this week? What's

Laura

going on in your world? Well, I hope I don't sound too different because I'm actually recording from a different state. Ooh. Yes, I set up a makeshift recording studio in my mom and stepdad's house in Portland because we are in Portland. Yay. Yay. Oh, that's fun. So you're there long enough to need to schlep your equipment, huh? Bust out a sesh? Well, thankfully, I didn't have to schlep anything. A while back, my stepdad wanted to start recording himself reading children's books, and so he ordered like a mic and everything and never unpacked it. So I was like, do you still have that mic? And so, yeah, it was pretty easy to set up. But we are here like Tuesday to Tuesday. So I was like, oh, shoot, we got to figure out a way to get this recording in. So here we are. Good. Well, then how's your trip been going?

Shanna

were here. Oh my God. Of course. Of course. It lined up with when you guys were there.

Laura

Ay yi yi. So were you stuck inside? Thankfully only for a couple days. It was also really hot. So like the combination was just like, let's do indoor activities for the first few days. So we mostly stayed inside. Oh, I had the worst sore throat from the smoke the first day. One thing I did was at like 7am the first full day we were there, I went out to Home Depot and got as many 20 inch by 20 inch air filters that had like a high MERV rating as I could to set up a bunch of air scrubbers

Shanna

in Neil's house. Okay. I imagine that was not on your vacation to do list, you know, like you weren't planning to have that kind of fun on vacation. Definitely not. Although I do love a

Laura

project, you know, and I love knowing how to do this. I think maybe I've talked about it on the show before when we were having bad smoke days, because obviously this is not the first time I've been stuck box fan is that usually, at least in the US, the 20 inch by 20 inch air filters that you use in air conditioning use units mostly, right? Like that's what they're for, but you can tape those like you have to get duct tape and you have to tape them on the back of the fan really well. So no air is

Shanna

Ooh, that sounds fun. Did you go there last time? That sounds familiar. I didn't, but the kids did. And so this year I got to go. Like I went and hung out with Alia

Laura

that day and like we had brunch and then I walked around the Pearl District and they were off playing

Shanna

video games. And this year I was like, I want to play video games. Mostly, actually what I really

Laura

wanted to play was pinball because I love pinball. And this place is insane, Shanna. It is like, like just rows and rows of pinball machines. I cannot even express, like, I think I looked it up. There were over 300 pinball machines in this place.

Shanna

Wow. Are some of them vintage, like retro pinball machines?

Laura

Many of them are like super vintage. It's really cool. There were some really, really old ones. I looked it up, like, from, like, you know, early 70s. I didn't like playing those quite as much because they were simpler, you know. And I have to admit, there are a couple games that I have a soft spot in my heart for. And those are Mars Attacks, Medieval Madness, and Monster Bash. And that's because those are three pinball machines that were in the Reed College game room when I went

Shanna

there. Oh, yeah. Did they have them at this arcade?

Laura

They did. And they were all near each other, which made me wonder, like, did they get them from Reed? You know what I mean? Like, are these the actual machines? Because the game room doesn't exist anymore. Yeah. Or is there someone that works there that went to Reed and did it on purpose? Because they were literally, like, Mars Attacks and Monster Bash were right next to each other. And Medieval Madness was, like, just over there. So it was like, you could play all of them back to back, which is basically what I did for hours.

Shanna

Oh, my God. That's fun. So nostalgic. I just uploaded a few photos for reference. Oh, wow. There are a lot of pinball machines in a row here. It almost looks like Vegas with all the bright lights and machinery and people just standing in front of them staring at it. I mean, but, you know, I know that those people are having fun in their hearts and in their minds. And I think I would like to go to this place.

Laura

Well, the other great thing is it's, like, flat rate. So you pay, I can't remember what it was, something like $25, I want to say, for all-day access to play all the games for free.

Shanna

Oh, cool.

Laura

Yeah, which is definitely, like, a savings from what you would end up paying, right? Because, you know, a dollar per game or 50 cents per game, like, I definitely exceeded that amount. So, yeah. I also put a few photos in of other activities. You'll also see

Shanna

a few special guests. Okay, there's Sebastian playing some kind of shoot-em-up game with Grandma Susan. Did she have some good pistol skills?

Laura

I don't know how good her pistol skills were, but she can really hang at an arcade. Like, she was the one who didn't want to leave when it was time to go. That's cute. And some sort of fishing game with Corey. This looks fun. Yeah, because in addition to pinball, they have, like, another 300 games, like, video game consoles, and there are all kinds of things, like, old games, like, really old games from, like, the 70s and 80s to modern games. So it was really, really fun. So that was definitely a highlight of the first half of this trip. Another highlight was that we were reunited with Sydney, my mom's cockatiel.

Shanna

Oh, the bird. I met that bird. So the bird's back up in Portland now?

Laura

Yeah, she used to travel back and forth with it. And then at some point when she was in Glendale for an extended period of time, Alaska Airlines changed their policy and wouldn't allow birds in the cabin anymore. And she got a special, like, she got special approval for the last time to take him back up to Portland. But now Sydney is, like, permanently in Portland and the kids miss him. So I uploaded one photo of Sebastian just being very happy with Sydney that we'll put on our Patreon or something. But the good news is that the smoke has cleared for the most part now, and it's cooling down. So we're going to start doing more outdoor stuff for our last few days in Portland. Good. Yeah. But yeah, that's the scoop on what I've been up to. Shanna, I know you are back home and out of the smoke. Why do we always go on vacation with our smoke everywhere?

Shanna

I know. I know. I don't know. It just follows us. We're like smoke magnets. I think that means we're hot, like we're smoke shows, you know? Oh, for sure. For sure. And by the way, I don't want anyone to think that we're, like,

Laura

making this about us. Like, obviously, the wildfires are a huge problem and our inconvenience about going outside is not a huge problem. It's just a little bit of a bummer. But Shanna, tell me about your week.

Shanna

We are just rolling along through summer here. The girls are doing their free Stephen Cates camp that I'm paying the city of Los Angeles for. That's a throwback to a couple of weeks ago.

Laura

So that's a very confusing statement. But it's like, it's free to you because Steve's work is paying for it. But you already paid for another camp that the girls don't like. So that's why you are paying the city of Los Angeles for Stephen Cates camp.

Shanna

Very well paraphrased. Thank you. Yes, exactly. So things are rolling along with that. They're great. We are approaching the beginning of school, which is next week. And a goal that Cece has had for a while is to change her earrings before the first day of school. Ultimately, she really wants to change them before picture day. She's like, I have a vision for picture day. I want to wear this outfit and I want to wear earrings. Because as you may remember, she got her ears pierced back in January and she still had those little studs in this whole time. And a couple months ago, Steve took her and Elle to like a body jewelry piercing shop nearby to look at some options for new jewelry.

Laura

Oh, do you think she's afraid of it hurting because she remembers how much it hurt to get it in or whatever? Like, I'm just trying to understand the resistance. I think she is afraid of it

Shanna

hurting. That seems to be what it is. Even though we, of course, reassure her that it probably will not hurt. She's just, yeah, she recoils. She's like, no, yes, I think that is what it is. That makes sense. So this week after the girls swam in the little pool out in the backyard one day, they went into the bathroom and did a nice warm bath to warm up and get clean. And we turned it into like a spa experience. I came in, like they had the lights off and Elle had a mask on. And so I played into it. I like got a candle and I got them some cucumbers for their eyes. And it was just pretend I was a spa worker. It was very cute. It's like, oh, here's your towel, madam. Would you like

Laura

Well, this is reminiscent of when she had to get one ear pierced and then the other,

Shanna

like a week later, right? Yes. Yes. Very, very true. We're creating a pattern here.

Laura

You know, I understand because I remember it was very hard for me to wrap my head around like why it doesn't hurt to put earrings in before I had my ears pierced. You know, I was like, but you're pushing it through your body. And like, I didn't understand that like once it's healed, you know, it's like, there's a clear path. So I get it. I understand her anxiety. So

Shanna

did you ever get the other earring out or is she just like go in pirate mode? I did not get the other earring out. What this ended up creating was deep anxiety for me because now I'm like, okay, she's got one, one earring that's, you know, the stud is out. Oh, I want to get something in there because I think, you know, otherwise it might close up. It's still somewhat new piercing. And so I'm like, all right, let's find a cute earring to put in that one. You know, let's at least take care of your right ear. And we went and looked through some of Elle's jewelry. We looked at the jewelry that they got at the piercing studio and we laid it all out. She was into like cleaning it with a little alcohol pads, like cleaning the jewelry and stuff.

Laura

Oh man. Yeah, I get it. Like I've heard you talk about all the struggles you have with her and how it's even just so difficult to get her to take medicine, which is the thing she actually needs. And you do have to be kind of insistent about, right? Like you usually have to make her take her medicine, which sucks. Like it sucks to have to make your kid do anything, right? Especially when they're really independent and resistant and you don't want to strip them of that bodily autonomy, all that stuff. In this situation though, you're right that it's like, it's not that important,

Shanna

whole thing. Yes, exactly. And the disappointment she might feel if like first day of school comes and picture day comes and then she remembers that she wasn't good enough to do her earring, you know? Like I don't ever put that on her, but she puts that on herself. I don't know if your kids do this or any listeners' kids do this, but she will be like, oh, I'm bad. Or like, oh, I messed up. I'm disappointing myself. She doesn't say I'm disappointing myself, but that's the essence of it. You know, she takes that on and that's so heartbreaking as a parent to see. And this is like, we can avoid that

Laura

if I just like stick you with this little earring, like just real quick. I'm like, maybe I could do

Shanna

it while she's sleeping, you know? Like the lengths my mind is going to, I'm like, I can't do that. Because if I go in and try to stick an earring in while she's sleeping and for some reason she wakes up or it does hurt a touch. Can you imagine how mad she would be at me and how like violated she

Laura

would feel? And so I'm like, I can't do that. And how many steps back you will take from that.

Shanna

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know. I don't know, Laura. I don't know if she's going to get another earring in ever or what? Or just live her life with one earring in. It's a look. It is a look. I don't know that a lot of people continue their entire life with the same earring they got pierced with when they were seven, but she might be the first.

Laura

I do feel like you probably should take it out at some point, but so far so good, I guess.

Shanna

If it's not infected. Oh man, that's tough. I'm sorry. Yeah. Thank you. So I don't know for now, I guess I just focus on doing more spa days and helping my madams feel relaxed and happy.

Laura

I like that idea. I wonder if my kids would get into it or if they think it was like quote

Shanna

unquote too girly, you know? I don't know. I mean, it is, it is pretty fun, you know, to do a mask and get a little head massage and get pampered, you know?

Laura

Yeah. I am thinking we need to do something about the lighting in their bathroom because I'm realizing that like they take their baths and showers in this like bright ass, like white light, you know? And then we're expecting them to go to bed right after that. And it's like, that's not relaxing.

Shanna

Oh, you need to fix that stat. Yeah, absolutely. A warm light bulb at the very least, but a set of candles. Ooh, there you go.

Laura

Hello. I'm too nervous about candles, but we'll maybe, maybe fake candles.

Shanna

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, that is my check-in for the week. Should we move on to our special segment? I think we should.

Laura

We are back and our special segment this week is They Said What? Where we talk about some interesting, funny, shocking or outrageous things that we've heard in our lives related to parenting. Shanna, you are up first. I love this segment. This is a classic segment. It's always a good one. So Shanna, tell me what your first They Said What is.

Shanna

Okay. This was toward the end of last year when Cece was in first grade and we're getting ready for bed and I'm brushing her hair and, you know, we're looking into the mirror. And she said to me, one of my teachers told me today that beautiful people are like the same on both sides of their face. And I was like, Oh, like symmetrical. She said, yes, symmetrical. My teacher told me that beautiful people are symmetrical. Great. And I'm like, okay, okay. I mean, I know I've heard that, right? Like there's studies that show that blah, blah, blah. And then she immediately said, I'm not symmetrical because I have this. And she pointed to her upper cheek dimple on the left side of her face.

Laura

painting our bodies and like wanting to change them? I remember that so well, though, at that age, starting to notice what was quote unquote wrong with me, you know, it's so pervasive. I feel like it's probably worse for girls. I haven't really heard anything from Augie about that sort of thing. But I totally remember that. I remember to this day, an offhand comment from some adult that said, oh, you're beautiful, but you're not really photogenic. What? What? And I was like, I feel like perhaps it was like, not even thought about like, it was such an offhand comment. But I latched on to that. And I was like, Oh, my gosh, I'm not photogenic. I don't take nice pictures. Like, and I'm wondering if maybe what they meant was like, they saw I maybe I saw a picture of myself,

Shanna

Oh, my God. And we have to remember, this was back in the day of like film cameras, or maybe the beginning of digital, right, where you didn't have a lot of chances to nail a picture. It was just like, whatever weird moment that picture caught you in. It's like, that's what people are going to base whether or not you're photogenic on. Oh, my God. Do you remember around how old you were when you heard that? I want to say like 11, 12, something like that. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like I don't remember specifics like that. But it just seemed to be like a general in the air, right? Like people who wear glasses are ugly and nerds. Because the second I got glasses, I was like,

Laura

around clocking other people's cheek dimples, you know? Yeah. Like we've known each other a very long

Shanna

time. You've seen me smile quite a bit. You know, the good thing about it is that it led to a discussion of me talking about how beautiful people have character. They are not perfect. They're not perfectly symmetrical. There's so many things that can make a person beautiful. Like she's unique because of that. And you know, and not to mention what's on the inside, you know, like, plus being friendly and loving and like all of that. So we got to have that conversation, which is, you know, it was nice to be able to do that. But like you said, sometimes those things stick with you when you hear them as a kid. And I hope that doesn't stick with her too much.

Laura

Me too. And I hope that that teacher stops talking about stuff like that. I know. I just really wish I could know why the heck that even came up. It's such a weird thing to talk to seven year olds about. But well, you know, what I try to do is I try to remember that a lot of adults, especially adult women have our we like we have our own baggage about body image and beauty and we are so many of us are still like entrenched in that like diet culture, beauty culture, all that stuff. So, you know, she may be whoever said this might be struggling her own struggle. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. So try to extend grace to them, but I'm sorry that happened. Thank you. All right.

Shanna

I know. Oh, such a great age. Five. Oh, so cute.

Laura

And a half, Shanna. Five and a half.

Shanna

Oh, excuse me.

Laura

You would be so mad. If you, I'm not, I'm not five. I'm five and a half.

Shanna

Five and a half. And like, that is so cool that he's tuning into such like subtle things about the environment or about what other people are doing. That seems remarkable for that age.

Laura

Yeah, I was really impressed. But yeah, that's really all I have to talk about about this. They said what? It's just, he's just being so sweet. And I love it. And I want it to continue.

Shanna

I love you. Yes, I want it to continue for you. He's so cute.

Laura

And on top of that, he's always just coming up to me and being like, mommy. And I'm like, yeah. He goes, I love you. And then just like walking away. It's so cute.

Shanna

That's the best. That is the best. Love it.

Laura

Love it too. Okay. So I hope it continues for a long time, but that is my first, they said what? Shanna, do you have another one for us?

Shanna

I do. Okay. This is from Elle. All right. All right. On Mother's Day, I was putting Elle to bed. I got the honor of putting her to bed that night. And I had a really nice moment with her, like just kind of snuggling and quiet and peaceful. And I said, I love you so much. I am just, I'm so happy that I get to be your mom. And she said, I'm so glad I get to be your daughter. And she continued. She said, it's unbelievable that out of all the people in the world, I ended up getting you as a mom. And I'm like, I know, Riley, it's amazing. We are so lucky. And then she said, it's also unbelievable that I've never been kidnapped.

Laura

from. None. It was totally out of left field. That is a very random. And also I love how like it's confidence. She's like, I mean, I obviously should be kidnapped because I'm so awesome.

Shanna

Yeah. It's a miracle that I have not been kidnapped yet of all people. That is so funny. Um, yeah. So later that night when I was talking to Steve and telling him about it, he's like, Oh, I wonder if it came out of a conversation I had with her today. And I was like, well, what was that? And what had happened earlier that day is that she was hiding or just playing off somewhere like outside in a place that we don't usually check or something. And we were like calling for her like time for dinner or whatever.

Laura

That is so funny. You know, it's so interesting how when you were a kid, wasn't the like risk of kidnapping, like so prevalent, you know, or not, not prevalent. Like it was like in the zeitgeist, right? Like everyone was just constantly talking about kids being kidnapped and how you're at risk of getting kidnapped. And right. Like the eighties and nineties were

Shanna

crazy with that. Mm hmm. Yeah. I think I definitely had a fear of being kidnapped for

Laura

sure. Yeah. But nowadays I feel like it's not so much or maybe in the circles we run in, it's not so much. Cause I just feel like, I don't know, it's so funny that I spent my entire childhood being afraid of being kidnapped myself. And I'm like very blase about it nowadays with my kids, which maybe that's not good. I mean, I don't want them to get kidnapped, but I'm just like, Oh, right. You know what? Everything I've read about is like, it's not actually something that we should be losing sleep over. Cause it's so rare, but yeah, it's

Shanna

a very different world. It is very different. And I do think because we're informed by the evidence and the statistics of, of instances of kidnapping and how often it is like someone, you know, or like a family member or something like that, that fear of the unknown person swooping through and grabbing you in their van. It just doesn't seem so real anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Although it might be real in Elle's head now. I don't know. Seriously. I guess I need to talk to her about that. Though she'll be a little flattered if it happens. Now that you mentioned it, I'm a little offended that I was never kidnapped. Oh boy. What's so wrong with glasses-y old Shiana might go with her big hair sprayed hair. They saw your, your thick glasses and were like,

Laura

this kid's going to be too much work. Like with those break, we're screwed. So. Okay. That was

Shanna

my second. They said what? Do you have one more for us? I do. This is something I said.

Laura

Excellent. And I'm just going to give it to you out of context first, because the minute it came out of my mouth, I was like, that was a weird sentence. And then I'll tell you what happened. I was driving with the kids and we were listening to music and I had to say the phrase, actually, this one isn't a fun movie about Nazis. As if there are fun movies about Nazis. Turns out. Okay. Before anyone gets mad,

Shanna

the Nazis too, actually, but this isn't a fun movie. Oh yeah, it is not a fun movie about, about the Nazis. I love that Spotify is just like, these people like music from movies with Nazis. That is

Laura

what you're being served. I mean, to be fair, we have also been listening to a lot of Mary Poppins. So I think the sound of music was related to Mary Poppins. And then, you know, Spotify doesn't know that like, if you're listening to the Indiana Jones score, you don't also want to hear other songs by John Williams, even if it's from sad movies, right? They're just like, oh, they're John Williams fans.

Shanna

Right. Okay. That makes more sense than the algorithm dissecting the plot and antagonist of multiple movies and then tailoring suggestions based on that. You're right. You're right. Okay. Yeah. Your critical thinking skills are on point.

Laura

Yeah. But I just could not believe that sentence came out of my mouth and that it was also true, you know? Yes. Okay. Wow. No, never thought I'd say something like that. But yeah, you are. But yeah, we probably won't be watching Schindler's List anytime soon. Not till they're a little older. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. But did it give me an opportunity to talk to them about their grandparents? And like, I've, you know, give them just a little overview of like their, you know, experience during World War Two. So, you know, like, I'm, and, you know, obviously age appropriate, but you know, it was an interesting gateway into talking about, you know, their heritage and stuff. So yeah, it was an interesting, interesting moment on that short car ride. I think we were just going to Trader Joe's, which is like five minutes away.

Shanna

We are back when we wrap up every episode with our big fat positives or big fat negatives of the week. Laura, you're up first. What you got? I have a BFP.

Laura

Woo woo. So on Friday, I had a genius idea to ask my mom if she would do bedtime with the kids and hang out with them. So Corey and I could go out to dinner together, just the two of us. Oh, nice. And she was very happy to watch them. And I had a little bit of trouble picking a place because Portland has a great food scene, but I am so out of like the loop of what is good anymore there.

Shanna

Ooh, you sent me a picture of the interior with the bar and the, oh, this is so cute. The tile is very colorful. I see some aqua turquoise wallpaper. I would a hundred percent like to eat here. Did you enjoy it?

Laura

It was so good. It was so good. We got what they call their rice table, which was like their fixed price. They just bring out whatever they want menu. Cause we just couldn't decide. Right. And we're like, let's try a little bit of everything. I threw a photo of that in our shared folder, but I like, I can't even describe all the stuff that we've got a bunch of like little sauces and then like, just like eight absolutely delicious dishes. It was so good. I like, I can't even explain it, but it was like so full of flavor. It's exactly what I wanted that night. Cause I felt like, you know, I eat a lot of pizza. I eat a lot of leftover chicken strips, you know, like I wanted something that the kids would never in a million years touch. And I got it.

Shanna

Yeah. Oh, that sounds delicious. And so fun to just have some one-on-one time with your hubby.

Laura

It was great. The only thing I would probably do next time is something that my friend Kate told me that she and her husband do, which is they have a rule that they're not allowed to talk about their son or like parenting when they go on their date nights. Cause you know, that's of course where the conversation was going, uh, for Corey and I, I'm like, maybe we should do that. Like just pretend we're child free for a night. But, uh, either way it was fun. Uh, we got home and the kids were still awake. So we ended up having to do bedtime after all, but they had a fun movie night with grandma and everyone was happy. So yeah, that's my BFB. That's so great. How about you Shanna BFP or BFN? I have a BFP. Yay. This weekend,

Shanna

Steve and I took the girls to their very first concert. Oh, exciting. Yeah. Heavy metal.

Laura

That's so great. I know that a lot of musicians and bands that play Coachella will often like go to Pomona and play like secret shows or like surprise shows the week between the two Coachella weekends.

Shanna

Oh.

Laura

So I knew that there was a whole music scene out there. I've never gone because, as you say, it's a trek. Although I've trekked to Coachella, which is even further. So I don't know why Pomona is harder. It's just like, it's close enough that it feels local, but far enough away that it's like too much of a trek, you know? But I gotta go check out the Fox Theater. You've

Shanna

inspired me. Yeah, for sure. I wished we were able to get there earlier to kind of walk around the arts district first and like check out some shops and galleries and stuff. But traffic did us no favor. So we missed all of that. But it was a late night and we had thought Beach Bunny was headlining the show.

Laura

No, no. We listened to like Beach Bunny music.

Shanna

Oh man. Oh, they're funny. Um, but yeah, so we took them to their first concert and it was a delight. That's my BFP. So fun. Yay. Ah, and I think that's it for our show. Listeners, thank you as always for all of your support, whether you're a Patreon member, you leave us a five-star review, you spread the word about our show. We really appreciate all of that. If you want to become a Patreon member and get our episodes ad free, plus all the fun extras, go to patreon.com slash BFP podcast and sign up today. Hey, and if you have any, they said, what you want to share with us, you know, we'd love to hear

Laura

them. Laura, where can everyone find us? We would love it. If you send us a voice memo on speakpipe.com slash BFP podcast, you can also find us on all the social medias at BFP podcast. You can go to our website, bigfatpositivepodcast.com or send us an email contact at bigfatpositivepodcast.com. And finally, if you want to join our super cool group on Facebook, just search on Facebook BFP community. It's a private group. You got to request to join. Answer the two membership questions so we know you're not a robot. You know the drill. We'll send you straight through to all the wonderful conversations we're having

Shanna

in there. Our show is produced by Laura Birek, Shanna Micko, and Steve Yager. Thanks for listening, everyone. Have a big, fat, positive week. Bye. Bye.