Mom Burnout: Tips for Coping: Ask-Us-Anything Minisode #8
March 2, 2023
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Laura and Shanna answer listener questions about how to handle mom burnout, what Laura has been up to now that her kids are in full-time childcare and whether they receive free products from their sponsors.
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Big Fat Positive: A Pregnancy and Parenting Journey is produced by Laura Birek, Shanna Micko and Steve Yager.
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Episode Transcript
Laura
Welcome to Big Fat Positive with Shanna and Laura. This is another special Ask Us Anything mini-sode where we answer questions about burnout, crafting, and freebies. Let's get started. Hi, Shanna. Welcome to another mini-sode.
Shanna
Hi, Laura. I'm so excited by all the questions we receive from our listeners. This is awesome.
Laura
We received so many amazing questions. And I think in order to do them justice, we need to jump right in and waste no time and just get to these questions, Shanna. Mm-hmm. Let's do it. Okay, so the first question is from Whitney. Whitney asks, what do you do to help with mom burnout? Husbands suggest a night at a hotel, but I don't think I could fully relax to enjoy a night away. Shanna, burnout?
Shanna
Have you ever experienced such a thing?
Yes, yes, definitely. So much during the pandemic. I remember at one point I was like complaining to my therapist about all this stuff and he was just like, Shanna, you're burned out. I was like, what? Oh yeah, I guess I am. So I recognize it now. Definitely feel it. And it can be overwhelming to think, oh, I just need a night away to fix it all because that's such a big, hard thing to do anyway, right? It's not all that achievable, especially if you feel worried or have some anxiety about leaving your kids behind. So I think there's things you can do on a daily basis that are small that can help you overcome that burnout. The first is to just get away from your kids. We all love our kids, but even if it's just for a 10 minute walk around the neighborhood, right?
someone, your partner, a babysitter, a grandma, someone, just watch the kids for a little while so you can go and have some me time. For me personally, walking around the neighborhood, I love that. That really, really helps me. And reading books, even just like playing Wordle on my phone alone in the bathroom for a few minutes, like locking that bathroom door and just stepping away from all of that chaos and just being alone for a little bit, I find to be really helpful. What do you think, Laura?
Laura
Yeah, I mean, Whitney, I'm right there with you. Like, Sebastian's at this age where he is just so freaking clingy. Like, I mean, I guess he has been his whole life. But like, This is a Velcro baby and he does not even like me leaving the room right now. Like he's at this separation anxiety phase where like last night I had to go in the kitchen to just like put some pasta in some boiling water and he stood at the baby gate we have in like the entryway to our kitchen and just sobbed at the top of his lungs while holding onto the bars of the baby gate like we had locked him up in jail. Oh no. Cory is literally standing right next to him, like touching his back and his arms saying, honey, I'm right here, mommy. I know you don't want to be away from mommy, but mommy loves you, mommy will be back. And I like, I can see him. I'm like, hi, baby. I'm just, I'm at the stove.
Like I just don't want to drop a bunch of pasta into a boiling pot of water with you, like within arms reach. Like that was just where I was drawing the line. But because of that, it does feel like I can't really get away properly, right? Luckily, my kids are both in preschool, right? So that does give me a bit of a respite or a lot of a respite, I should say. But it is intense. And I don't know if I'm that good at figuring out the solution to the burnout yet. But I will tell you something I did last night that was a revelation. What? Okay. So last night after the screaming because I was a few steps away from him and just so much cleanness, I was like feeling super like amped up like so dinner happened, dinner was kind of chaotic as it always is.
went up to do bath time and both boys were just like chasing each other and playing really rough before bath time and it was just like getting me on edge. Like I was starting to feel very overstimulated and stressed and Cory was downstairs cleaning up the kitchen and I got the kids in the bath and when he came up I said, I need to take a break. Like I need to step away. So he watched the kids in the bath while I stepped away And I had this revelation, which was, you know, I talk about Auggie's sensory issues sometimes on the show, like he's a sensory seeker, right? And when I figured that out, I did all this reading on like sensory issues with kids, right? Or not even issues. Issues makes it sound like it's a problem, but like sensory awareness, sensory differences awareness, right?
And one of the things that they would say is kids with sensory aversions, you need to make sure they're in comfortable clothing. A lot of kids, if they're in uncomfortable clothing, they maybe won't tell you it's uncomfortable, but their behavior will get messed up. Their behavior will be off the wall. And I walked into my bedroom, took a moment to calm down, and I did a little bit of a body scan, and I was like, I'm uncomfortable. Like I'm not just emotionally uncomfortable. I am like physically uncomfortable. I was wearing like kind of tight jeans. I was wearing a thermal because it was super fucking cold but like this thermal has really tight arms so I couldn't like push them up to my elbows. Yeah, that's no fun. It was driving me crazy. And so I just, like, stripped down and got into super comfy, very soft, very loose clothes.
And I will tell you, that improved my mood and my, like, anxiety. Like, 50%. Just doing it. Nice. So that is my suggestion not that you. Need to be in like sweatpants all day but like do an assessment of your own sensory needs like are you getting extra burnt out because there's always noise right like if so maybe you need some of those loop ear plugs or whatever that cut down on the noise or are you like me who. Like I was spiraling out of control and I didn't realize that my like body discomfort was contributing to it So that's my that's my current hack Try to do stuff like that
Shanna
I love that idea, checking in with your body to see how it's feeling. Another thing that I think you can check in with is your mind. Like my mind is actually a source of a lot of my overwhelm because I'm constantly juggling so many thoughts and to-dos. Like I've got to do this and oh my gosh, and I've got to do this by this time. And I'm like keeping this log in my brain at all times. And when I'm able to be like, Hey, I should just put this on a piece of paper on a list. And I just literally write down the things that I need to do. That helps me a lot, because then there's like something tangible I can work through them and cross it off. And I don't panic that I'm going to forget about it, you know? Because if you're keeping all this stuff in your brain at all times, that is so exhausting. And I worry and get anxious.
But if I don't think about it, think about it, I'm going to forget about it. And then I'll, you know, I'll fail as a mom, blah, blah, blah. So just getting out of my head and putting stuff on paper, I find really helpful too.
Laura
It's the RAM versus ROM problem, which I'm going to guess you need me to elaborate on. No idea what you're talking about. Is this like such a my dad thing that he taught me when I was tiny? So RAM is like the working memory on your computer and ROM is like the sort of core memory, right? And this is these are kind of old fashioned terms. I mean, RAM is still there, but like ROM isn't You're so much anymore. Yeah. But I'm sure you remember, or maybe you still have this problem where on older computers, if you had too many apps going at once, they would all start crashing and collapsing and your computer would get frozen. And it was because you didn't have enough RAM. Your working memory on your computer was depleted. And you had to shut down the apps in order to get your computer to working.
Shanna
Okay, I'm seeing the parallel here. Totally.
Laura
Like our brains work similarly. You have your working memory, all this stuff you have to keep on your brain at all times. And we are so overwhelmed with that as parents, especially as moms, right? So what you were doing was you were taking your working memory and you were offloading it to your CPU. I'm starting to really mix my metaphors and probably really annoy some people who actually know like the real back end of how computers work, but you're offloading that working memory. That's awesome. I love it to do this.
Shanna
Yeah, I feel so good to check stuff off. I don't make lists enough. Yeah, but I did recently and it helped. It really did help.
Laura
What's the funniest thing you've put on a to-do list recently?
Shanna
Hmm. Okay. I just went and grabbed my to-do list because I put it all out of my brain, Laura. It's not living there anymore, right? So I had to actually go get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see. I don't know if there's anything that funny because everything I have to do is so just mundane, finished budget, mop, laundry. Like, half of these have not checked off yet, trust. But here's one that will be interesting for our listeners, I'm sure. Way down on my list is embryos! I gotta take care of those embryos!
That's just a constant like stress that lives in the back of my mind, like call about those embryos. So yeah, I don't have a lot. There's not a lot of gold there to mine. What about you?
Laura
I regularly put eat breakfast or eat lunch on mine like regularly.
Shanna
Maybe I should because I forget to eat lunch all the time.
Laura
Yes, you do. Well, like sit down to record and you'll be like, oh, I hope my stomach, you can't hear my stomach during this recording. I'm like, why aren't you why? And you're like, oh, I just forgot to eat. I know it's one o'clock right now and I have not eaten lunch. Oh my gosh. And then the other thing I did today, I checked it off this morning, was fix I love you stinky face because Sebastian tore the cover off of one of the board books and I like needed to tape it back on because like for days he kept finding it and be like, oh no. Oh no. Oh honey, I'm going to fix that. And then last night I literally was like, I'm gonna put this on my to-do list. I'm like Sebastian, should I put this on my to-do list? And he goes, yeah. I go, okay, I'm gonna put it on my to-do list.
And today, and it totally worked because today I was sitting around waiting for something to finish, like water to boil or something. And I was like, oh, you know what I can do in this time? Go fix, I love you stinky face. And now it's back to its stinky glory.
Shanna
Yes, and now you feel accomplished because you did something. The last piece of advice I have is have a chat with somebody, a friend, a fellow mom. Laura, you and I are lucky because we chat constantly about our parenting lives and our personal lives. And we get to unload a lot of frustration and stuff that we're going through. And it always helps me. And if you don't have someone near you that you can chat to about that, a therapist, Just talking and getting stuff off your chest is so helpful. I mean, that's probably the most like beneficial thing for me to do.
Laura
Yeah. And I'd say like go to our Facebook group and like put something out there. Just be like, hey, I need to talk to some people who has who else has like a 18 month old and you will get people to talk to. I promise like there's a lot of really thoughtful people in there who are willing to chat.
Shanna
Yes. All right, that was a great question. Thank you so much, Whitney. I hope you're not feeling too burnout. Hope our advice helps a little bit. Laura, we do have a couple more questions, so why don't we take a break and come back with those? OK, sounds like a plan.
We are back and Laura. Brianna has a question for you. For me? Yes. She says, has Laura started working or crafting again with her free time now that both kids are in care full time? Good question, Laura. What have you been doing with all that time?
Laura
All my free time it doesn't feel like that much you know it goes by so fast so yeah during the day I am working I'm trying to get more web development clients so I can drum up some money and I'm trying to work more on the podcast and develop this so that's my like work during the day. And then, yeah, I've actually found some more time to craft. This cold weather we've been having in LA has been very inspiring to try to make some things. So I actually have some photos of some projects I've recently completed to send to you, Shanna.
Shanna
Ooh, okay. I didn't even know you were working on anything. This is exciting. Let me check.
Laura
So the first thing I'm sending you is a picture. There's like a brown sweater. And that is a sweater I've been knitting for Augie for like nine months. But this weather has inspired me to finish it. And thankfully I was knitting it kind of large so it still fits him.
Shanna
Oh, good. I was worried it was like something you started when he was like, I don't know, 12 months old or something.
Laura
I do. He had just gotten into three T probably when I started it. And now he's like into four T, but luckily knits are stretchy. Indeed. Oh, that's really cute. Ooh, that's a nice sweater. Okay. Yeah. It's actually a pattern called flax light from tin can knits. It's a free pattern. And it's really, really simple. That's why I picked it. Cause I was like, I can't, I can't do anything that takes a lot of focus. So I made that. What about this light blue one above it? Well, okay. So that was knit on very bulky yarn very quickly, like over the last, I want to say like four days, because I finally finished Augie's sweater and gave it to him. And Sebastian walks up and goes, mine, mine. Oh, no, but I'll make you a sweater, honey. Like I'll do it. So I whipped this up. I mean, it's on size 10 needles, so it goes really fast. And he's smaller, right? He's in 2T still.
So I whipped that up very fast with no pattern. Actually, I just did like I've been knitting long enough that I can make like a raglan sweater just based off of a formula, basically. So yeah, but I just washed that today. It's like literally drying right now. And then I'm going to weave the ends in and try to give it to him tomorrow. But oh my gosh, cute. I also knit a hat out of that same yarn. So he has that right now to keep him warm.
Shanna
Good. Much better than I would have done, which is like, oh, sure, I'll go get you a sweater and then promptly gone to target.
Laura
Well, I enjoy it. It also gives me a good excuse to watch TV at night with Cory. So I've been watching the last of us and knitting. So that's been good.
Shanna
Oh, this hat. Okay. Oh, that's really cute little fuzzy ball at the top of the hat. I love it. Did you knit the yellow hat too that's on Augie?
Laura
Yeah. But ages ago, like that hat, I think during the pandemic, like early days of the pandemic is when I made it. That is also a tin can knits design called Beloved, which is like one of my favorite hat designs. It's super easy. So I've made a bunch of them. And yeah, he just like found it and he's like, oh, I want to wear this. And it surprisingly still fits because, you know, I guess kids' heads don't grow that fast after they're like two. I don't know.
Shanna
Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, and here he is in his little brown sweater. He looks awesome, super stylish and very happy.
Laura
He loves it. I was, you know, I was kind of surprised because I thought he might be like, it's itchy or not wanting to wear it because he's, I don't know, it's four. They're weird. But he's so excited about it. And he wants to wear it every day. And then he was taking it off the other night. And I was like, oh, just careful. Don't stretch it. And like last night out of the blue, he was just sitting there quietly. And then he goes, mama, I'm sorry. I stretched out the sweater you made me. And I was like, oh, honey, were you worried about it? And he's like, uh-huh. I was like, oh, sweetie, it's OK. It goes right back. Like, it'll go right back to shape. I'm sorry. Like, he was like worried about it. Poor little sweetheart.
Shanna
Aw, so sensitive. Did he ever see you working on it?
Laura
Oh, yeah, he did. Not much, because honestly, like, they're too interested, right? And then they want to do it too. And I was like, you're going to lose my place. But yeah, he saw me work on it a little bit. Over the past nine months.
Shanna
He's like, gosh, my mom worked so long on this sweater.
Laura
I can't dare stretch it out. Oh, I feel so bad. It's so interesting. You make these comments you think are just throw away, and then they mull on them, you know?
Shanna
Mm-hmm.
Laura
Anyway. So yeah, I have been crafting again. And honestly, to go back to our first question, that has been helping me with my burnout a lot.
Shanna
Yeah. That's great. That's great. Yeah. Find a little hobby that you can do that fills your cup.
Laura
Yeah. Okay. We have one more quick question before we wrap up this mini-sode. And this one is kind of a behind-the-scenes kind of question from Maria. Maria wrote in and said, hi, I'm curious if you guys get freebies from your sponsors. I sure hope so.
Shanna
Oh, good question. The short answer is yes, we do. Not always, but a lot of sponsors do offer us free products, and that's an awesome perk of being a podcast host. Laura, what's one of your favorites that we've received?
Laura
Honestly, our current sponsor, Aloe Yoga right now, and this sounds like more of an ad, but it's not. You probably heard their ad if you listened to this the day it came out. Anyway, Aloe gave us a full year of free access to all their videos, all their video courses on their platform. I'm just so stoked about it because I was going through their course catalog and I was like, I want to take this, I want to take this, I want to do this. We were just talking about the fact that like after we stop recording, we're gonna go try to listen to one of their like meditation.
Shanna
classes. Sounds awesome.
Laura
And I should add to that like part of the ad buy, like that they send us or like the contract that they send us a lot of times, it like will require what they call PE or personal experience. So it's like kind of part of the deal, right? Is that they send us a sample of their product so we can talk honestly about it because like we actually do take it pretty seriously that we like we don't want to advertise things we don't like. We're not just out here lying to you guys so we can make a buck. We're really trying to provide our listeners with services they might actually really want and could actually help them. So that's really why we get the samples and stuff because we have to give personal experience. But I love free shit, so I love it.
Shanna
One of my favorites is meal kits. I love when we book a meal kit because they send us free food and it's just like, it's so fun. I love to cook and try the recipes. I think every plate recently sent us some stuff that was really delicious. I was like, oh, yes, more meal kits.
Laura
Yes, Corey loves those too, because he can actually cook following the recipes on those. So when we got them, I was just like, here, you get to do the meal kit. Maybe we should have had him do the PE read on our ads.
Shanna
Yeah, definitely.
Laura
And we'd be curious to hear from our listeners if there are any advertisers that you found through us that you actually are grateful to have learned about. Because we really do want it to be a useful situation, like a mutually useful situation. Obviously, we need money to keep the podcast going because we have all these costs associated with it, but we try to do it as thoughtfully as possible. So let us know if there's anything you're like, oh my gosh. better help save my life or something. We'd love to hear that. So, yeah. But with that said, I do think it's time to wrap up this episode and go listen to our meditation courses on Aloe Yoga or maybe some restorative yoga.
Shanna
That sounds good. Yes. Yes. Something peaceful. Well, thank you, everyone, for sending in those questions. If you have any other questions that you want to ask us for an upcoming mini-sode, send them our way. Laura, where can everyone reach us?
Laura
We are on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok at BFBpodcast. We have a website, BigFatPositivePodcast.com. If you want to send us an email, you can send it to contact at BigFatPositivePodcast.com. Or if you want to join our Facebook community, as I mentioned, just search Facebook for BigFatPositiveCommunity.
Shanna
Our show is produced by Laura Birek, Shanna Micko, and Steve Yager. Thanks for listening, everyone. Bye. Bye.