Raising Kids in Today’s World: Ask-Us-Anything Minisode #7
February 24, 2023
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Laura and Shanna answer a listener’s question about how to manage kids’ strong desires for toys when out shopping, and they share their thoughts on raising children in the current state of the world.
If you have a question for an upcoming Ask Us Anything mini-sode, email us at [email protected], or reach out on Instagram, Facebook or TikTok at @bfppodcast.
This episode’s show notes can be found here.
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Big Fat Positive: A Pregnancy and Parenting Journey is produced by Laura Birek, Shanna Micko and Steve Yager.
Show Notes:
- Gretchen Rubin's Emergency Kit for Anxiety, Worry, and Stress Laura mentions Gretchen Rubin's advice on anxiety in the episode. This post outlines more of her tips for dealing with anxiety and worry.
- "Your Kids Are Not Doomed" by Ezra Klein. Not mentioned on the episode, but Shanna likes the perspective that Klein has about bringing kids into the world with the current climate crisis.
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Episode Transcript
Shanna
Hi everyone and welcome to another Ask Us Anything mini-sode! We're back! Laura, we're back with our mini-sodes! Hi!
Laura
Yes, we actually got a few questions from people saying, what happened to the mini-sodes? Why don't you bring them back? And surprise! Here we are!
Shanna
Yeah, it was so fun to do the first time around. We are going to do it again. Okay, let's dive right in. We've got a question from Laura. Not you, a different Laura.
Laura
Yes, my fellow Laura asks, how do you go to a place like Target without buying toys or the kids having meltdowns?
Shanna
That's a great question because that is so hard. These stores are like wonderlands. for our children. I even went to the grocery store with them yesterday to buy a cake mix. And like, CECE was like, I want this can of sprinkles and like begging for me to buy like this giant jug of sprinkles. And I'm just like, no, we're not doing that. So here's my strategy that works a lot, but not always. I use the power of the wish list. They're very aware that they both have wish lists for things like birthdays and, you know, special occasions. And anytime they really beg for something in a store, I acknowledge, first of all, that they really want it. Oh, you really want that? Yeah. Oh gosh, that's such a cool jug of sprinkles. Wow. And I say, I don't think we're going to get it right now, but let's put it on your wish list so we can remember.
And they'll be like, oh, OK. And then if they don't really go along with that, I say, let me take a picture of it so we can remember to put it on your wish list. This worked the other day at Ralph's with these sprinkles. Cece was really on the verge of melting down about this. And I said, how about we take a picture? And she's like, OK. And held it up. Here, I'll send it to you. Laura, I'll send you the picture as proof of what I'm talking about. Okay. Just send it over.
Laura
All right. Let's see. Oh, okay. Well, I see why it's a super cool thing of sprinkles. It's like multiple different types. I'm guessing six different kinds of sprinkles in one. Of course she wanted this.
Shanna
Of course. Of course. They love sprinkles. And it was on a shelf that was like perfectly at her height. It was at one of the lower levels. Of course it was.
So I managed to get around that one. We put it back on the shelf and now I just need to remember to put it on our wish list. Often, they just forget about it, to be honest. It's really an in-the-moment thing. They really, really want it at that moment. And if you just acknowledge it, acknowledge how much they want it and do a little token of showing that like this, I think can be helpful. That's my strategy. What about you, Laura? Do you have any ideas on this?
Laura
Well, we use a lot of those strategies and I've taken so many pictures of things and sometimes it works. Sometimes it works. Great. But I think we've discussed this on the show, but maybe more off air. But Aki is like toy obsessed. Like, he's so laser focused. Like, I think you mentioned that when he went to Elle's birthday party, I wasn't there because I was home with a sick Sebastian, but he like wanted to see her toys and then was like disappointed when they weren't up to his standard. or expectations.
Shanna
Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was yes. It was very cute though. He really loves, you know, his toys.
Laura
He does. He really does. So sometimes the wish list and the photos just do not cut it. And I have had to like carry him out of stores basically kicking and screaming. And I have also bought toys because I'm like, I can't deal with this. I just have to get him something. Costco is really bad for this. Like I'll have to go to Costco and I'll have to drag him along. And around the holidays, especially they have a lot of toys right up front. One time I tried to like go the other direction. You know, like we went in the door and I tried to like skirt around the TVs and he was like, no, go over there to the toys. I was like, oh fuck. So yeah, but one thing that is surprising to me that has been working lately is giving him like an allowance. So we don't give him like a regular allowance, but he has gotten some like birthday money from uncles and grandmas and stuff.
And that amazingly kind of rains him in. So he'll have $10 right as a gift. And I'll be like, oh, you have your $10 of your birthday money. You can spend it on anything that's $10 and under. And he suddenly gets a very discerning. And that's when he's like, no, I don't want to use my $10. I want to save it for something better. Like the promise of something better on the horizon apparently stops him from buying the transformer he sees right in front of him. So That's been working surprisingly well for us.
Shanna
But that's remarkable that he has that kind of foresight to be like, no, no, no, I could save this up and get something better. Because whenever I introduce like a budget for something at the store, the girls work it like they're just like, okay, this, nope, that's too much, honey. This, this, this, until they find something that's like one cent away from the budget and they take it and run.
Laura
See, the thing is I think it's not so much like foresight and future planning as it is like a grasses greener situation. Like he's always worried that there's going to be a better toy and he's going to have regret. You know, I think that's where it comes from. Yeah. I'm saying it comes from a place of fear, not a place of planning.
Shanna
I guess that makes more sense for a four year old.
Laura
Yes. But yeah, I have had my fair share of meltdowns. There have definitely been days where I just won't take them to a store because I know they're just not in a mood. They're dysregulated. They're tired. They're hungry where it's just not going to go well. So I'll just like have to either leave them with Corey or just figure out what's for dinner from what's in our pantry, you know.
Shanna
Yeah. Yeah. Or do that target drive up, which is great because you avoid the store altogether.
Laura
Never have to get out of the car seat. Yes, so But yeah, good luck Laura I did send Laura a little photo of Augie having a bit of a moping session in Target from before Christmas Yeah, I'll send it to you too here.
Shanna
Okay. Let me see Oh boy, arms crossed, head down right in the middle of Target or wherever you are. He's not happy.
Laura
Oh yeah, that was Target. That was because I told him we couldn't buy roller skates right then. We were on our way to a friend's birthday party trying to buy a present for the friend, and he wanted roller skates. And I told him, this is before Christmas, so I told him I would tell Santa that he wanted roller skates. Well, that was not good enough. He was so upset. Oh my God. So that was one of those like I had to physically pick him up and walk him out of the store situations. And it's possible I bought him a hot wheel as a consolation because I just needed to get him out the door, you know.
Shanna
Yeah. Yeah. The low priced items come in handy when they can't get what they really want.
Laura
Yeah. But yeah. Good luck, Laura. I hope you figure out a way to navigate this. And I do think it's just unavoidable sometimes.
Shanna
All right, so should we take a break and come back with another question? I think we should.
We're back and we have one more question from listener Lakshmi. Lakshmi says, this is existential, but like me, do you worry about the world we're leaving behind for kids? Ooh, Laura, that's deep, that's heavy. I have some unformed, just all over the place thoughts on this. So luckily you get to go first.
Laura
What do you think do I ever worry about the world? We're leaving for our kids all the time every day Yeah, yeah constantly all the time so like I have a little bit of an anxious brain maybe more than a little bit so like I'm really good at coming up with all the worst case scenarios and I have played them out in my head, you know like Any number of things natural disasters political uprisings violent behavior from people in our community I mean just like there's any number of things climate the climate just completely crumbling around us. And yeah, so yes, I am always worried about that. I try to remember that I am just one person and I can only do so much. So I try to focus on the things that are most important for me as far as like leaving a better world for my kids and put my money and activism and time there.
But I do have one thing to say, which has really, really helped me, which is all parents throughout time have had this worry. It's easy to think that right now we are at a unique point in time. And maybe we are with the climate. It's pretty bleak, right? There's a lot of bleak things out there. But then I think about my grandparents. who had children shortly after World War II in Romania as Jews post-holocaust. Like my grandmother had survived the Bergen-Belsen camp, right? Like my grandfather was in forced labor camps in the Ukraine. They found themselves post-war having kids. a feeling they had similar thoughts, right? Like, oh, fascism and then communism, like my dad grew up in communist Romania, he had to escape in the 70s. As much as that sucks, and it's awful and probably way worse than anything I've experienced,
There's something reassuring in knowing that every generation faces apocalypse basically or faces some really, really bad situations and it's nothing new, right? There's always going to be something to make us worry and worry is not necessarily the most helpful. Emotion so I like to remind myself of that like I like to think about my grandmother as a 20-something woman Surviving the Holocaust and still choosing to have kids and I do believe she chose like I think she had access to some forms of birth control and education there so she chose to have kids and Bring two children into the world, you know, so yeah, she still did it and I'm here because of that so Yeah, I don't know those are my thoughts Shanna
Shanna
Wow, that was a hard act to follow. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on that.
Laura
It's almost like I have experience thinking about this sort of thing.
Shanna
Maybe that's why it's a little trickier for me. I think that I really lean into optimism, even if it's forced optimism sometimes, like put on a rose-colored glasses, you know, and like pass by a lot of articles in the news that are doom and gloom. tend to avoid a lot of hard topics and hard realities. That's just kind of how I function best. But it's not that I like deny what's going on in the world. And I know there is a lot of tough stuff that can make people feel really anxious and really worried. I just try to step away from it at times. But another part of my optimism is that I really think that We are raising our kids to be very resilient, very independent, very like aware and knowledgeable and ready to tackle problems that come up. And that gives me a lot of comfort. I don't think we're just like going to put off our vulnerable little babies out into this big scary world.
Like we're really preparing them to Handle it and so I feel good about that and then my other thought is like just with raising babies and children oftentimes You go through really hard phases with your child really tough sleep really tough Meltdowns or whatever you're going through and it kind of like you get through that darkest hardest part and you come out on the other side and it's you know, there's more light and there's more ease and stuff and I I kind of feel the same way about the world in our society. Like there are things that are going to be really tough and stuff, but then they kind of resolve themselves or we move on from them. And there's some light there too. So I don't know. That's kind of where I stand on all of it.
Laura
Yeah. I mean, also, I think it's a valid choice if people are like, I don't want to bring kids into this world because I don't like where it's heading. Like, I think I know people who've done that. And that's also a valid choice. But for those of us who already have kids, that doesn't really work out. So we got to find ways to live with the world. And I do think that like Gretchen Rubin always uses this phrase, action is the antidote to anxiety. And I think about that a lot like when I'm spiraling about like, oh my gosh, the planet's warming up. I try to think about like what can I do to help and like, you know, getting rid of my water sucking lawn. Like I will say that I feel like my anxiety level has reduced so much because I've been doing this lawn replacement process out front. Just knowing that I'm just doing something to reduce water consumption and I know
my consumption is a literal drop in the bucket compared to corporate consumption and agriculture use and stuff. But at least I can say I did my part, right? And that helps. So action is the antidote to anxiety. If you're really, really feeling bad, teach your kids how to try to make the world better. They're super smart and they're gonna have access to technology we can't even imagine. So get them prepared to help us in the future. Listen to Whitney Houston. She believes the children are our future.
Shanna
Yes.
Laura
Or do stuff yourself or volunteer locally or just do, you don't have to like solve these problems yourself. You can just find something manageable you can do and do it. And that should help. That's my guess. Yeah.
Shanna
So much of our life experience, and especially as children, is based on the community that we're in and the community they're experiencing around them. And they're not so aware of what's going on in the world. So I think it's very possible for them to still have a very happy, loving upbringing based on the community that you build around yourself to.
Laura
Yeah, absolutely. So, yeah, I think that's it.
Shanna
Is that it for our question and answer? It is for this mini-soad. We will be back with another one very soon, so stay tuned. Thanks for sending in your questions. And if anyone has any more questions for us, for our upcoming Ask Us Anything mini-soads, please send them our way. Laura, where can everyone reach us?
Laura
We are on Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram at BFP Podcast. You can send us an email at contact at bigfatpositivepodcast.com, or you can find us on our Facebook group. Just search Big Fat Positive Community on Facebook, and you'll find us.
Shanna
Our show is produced by Laura Birek, Shanna Micko, and Steve Yager. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. Bye. Bye.